{"id":3823,"date":"2013-01-07T12:01:44","date_gmt":"2013-01-07T17:01:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=3823"},"modified":"2013-01-01T23:05:54","modified_gmt":"2013-01-02T04:05:54","slug":"i-cant-do-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/01\/i-cant-do-it.html","title":{"rendered":"\u201cI Can\u2019t Do It\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Today is Day 7 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month<\/a><\/strong> with suggestions for jump-starting your own self-love and joining The Self-Love Movement<\/strong><\/a>\u2122.<\/em><\/p>\n

A great way to show yourself love is to get comfortable saying those four little words: \u201cI can\u2019t do it.\u201d Too often we feel uncomfortable turning people down when they ask us to do something. When I was a DoorMat I was the queen of favors.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t imagine saying \u201cno\u201d to anyone. But what I really was doing was saying \u201cno\u201d to me. I\u2019d cancel plans to help friends or do something that I had an aversion to doing because I wanted everyone to like me.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s \u201cfunny\u201d how when you\u2019re immersed in people pleasing that pleasing everyone leaves YOU out, which is not loving! I didn\u2019t see it back in my DoorMat days. Nor did I recognize that the only one I wasn\u2019t concerned about liking me was me! Often in our intentions to please everyone, we leave ourselves out. I learned the hard way that putting your efforts into taking care of everyone else but you can leave you with many negative emotions, all of which negate self-love, including:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Feeling a lot of disappointment when people don\u2019t make any effort to please you in return
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Frustration about never having help when you need it, despite all the help you give others
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Resentment about feeling taken for granted or used.
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Anger at the people who take without reciprocation
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Anger at yourself for allowing people to take advantage of you<\/p>\n

I went through a range of these emotions, wondering what the solution was. With all the security I thought pleasing others would bring me, I felt very insecure, and unhappy. One day I was complaining about this to a relative and she asked what I thought would happen if I stopped saying \u201cyes\u201d to everyone. I said I was afraid of losing them. She practically shook me while she asked what I\u2019d be losing. Friends who only wanted my favors? Who made me feel bad? Who really weren\u2019t my friends? It opened my eyes in a way that I\u2019d never seen my actions before.<\/p>\n

Then I asked how I could turn people down? She pointed out that nobody forced me to do all favors. It was my choice. Since just saying \u201cno\u201d felt too harsh, I went home and practiced saying \u201cI can\u2019t do it\u201d in the mirror. Eventually it felt a bit natural to me. But before I said it to someone, I had to do something very important. Since it was my choice, I gave myself permission to not do every favor asked of me. The next day, a friend asked me to drive her to work. She always counted on me for rides and I heard the surprise in her voice when I said,\u00a0\u201cI can\u2019t do it\u201d and she asked, \u201cWhy not.\u201d<\/p>\n

Normally I\u2019d have felt obligated to make a long excuse. This time I just said, \u201cI\u2019m busy.\u201d The surprise became mine when she accepted that with no argument. There was something very empowering about not justifying why I couldn\u2019t drive her and it showed in my voice. Giving myself permission was one of the most loving things I\u2019d done for me as I continued to just help people selectively. It allowed more time for me and what I wanted to do.<\/p>\n

Saying \u201cYes\u201d to everyone\u2019s needs but your own can make you a DoorMat as it allows people to control your actions. Giving yourself permission to turn people down gives your control over what you do and for whom. Every time you say \u201cI can\u2019t do it\u201d when asked for a favor, you also say \u201cI can\u201d for yourself and your needs. It’s easier than just saying “no.” People are less likely to push when you say you can’t do it, assuming you have a good reason. It also says you deserve to not be everyone\u2019s Doormat. Give yourself permission to say, \u201cI can\u2019t do it\u201d when you don’t want to to say “yes.” That says, \u201cI love me!\u201d
\n***************<\/p>\n

Join The <\/strong>Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 2012 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Today is Day 7 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month with suggestions for jump-starting your own self-love and joining The Self-Love Movement\u2122. A great way to show yourself love is to get comfortable saying those four little words: \u201cI can\u2019t do it.\u201d Too often we feel uncomfortable turning people down…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,2,15],"tags":[193,27],"class_list":["post-3823","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-saying-no","tag-self-love"],"yoast_head":"\n\u201cI Can\u2019t Do It\u201d - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/01\/i-cant-do-it.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"\u201cI Can\u2019t Do It\u201d - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Today is Day 7 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month with suggestions for jump-starting your own self-love and joining The Self-Love Movement\u2122. A great way to show yourself love is to get comfortable saying those four little words: \u201cI can\u2019t do it.\u201d Too often we feel uncomfortable turning people down…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/01\/i-cant-do-it.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2013-01-07T17:01:44+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2013-01-02T04:05:54+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2012\/12\/Self-Love-logo-300x64.png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Daylle Deanna Schwartz\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"\u201cI Can\u2019t Do It\u201d - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/01\/i-cant-do-it.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"\u201cI Can\u2019t Do It\u201d - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","og_description":"Today is Day 7 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month with suggestions for jump-starting your own self-love and joining The Self-Love Movement\u2122. A great way to show yourself love is to get comfortable saying those four little words: \u201cI can\u2019t do it.\u201d Too often we feel uncomfortable turning people down…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/01\/i-cant-do-it.html","og_site_name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","article_published_time":"2013-01-07T17:01:44+00:00","article_modified_time":"2013-01-02T04:05:54+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2012\/12\/Self-Love-logo-300x64.png"}],"author":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/01\/i-cant-do-it.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/01\/i-cant-do-it.html","name":"\u201cI Can\u2019t Do It\u201d - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/01\/i-cant-do-it.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/01\/i-cant-do-it.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2012\/12\/Self-Love-logo-300x64.png","datePublished":"2013-01-07T17:01:44+00:00","dateModified":"2013-01-02T04:05:54+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/01\/i-cant-do-it.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/01\/i-cant-do-it.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/01\/i-cant-do-it.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2012\/12\/Self-Love-logo-300x64.png","contentUrl":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2012\/12\/Self-Love-logo-300x64.png"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2013\/01\/i-cant-do-it.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"\u201cI Can\u2019t Do It\u201d"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/","name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","description":"Beliefnet Voices - Daylle Deanna Schwartz","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35","name":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","caption":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz"},"description":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz is a speaker, self-empowerment counselor, best-selling author of 15 books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill), All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise and founder of The Self-Love Movement\u2122 where she's giving away her 13th book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3823","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3823"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3823\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3826,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3823\/revisions\/3826"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3823"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3823"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3823"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}