{"id":38,"date":"2010-01-15T18:38:00","date_gmt":"2010-01-15T18:38:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2010\/01\/money-pigs.html"},"modified":"2010-01-15T18:38:00","modified_gmt":"2010-01-15T18:38:00","slug":"money-pigs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2010\/01\/money-pigs.html","title":{"rendered":"Money Pigs"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a> I was recently interviewed for Cosmopolitan magazine in the UK. The writer asked about how to deal with people who often put you in the position of paying for them or paying more than your fair share of a check. Some people take advantage of \u201cnicer\u201d friends. It\u2019s a universal problem.<\/p>\n

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Do you loan money and don\u2019t get it back but you feel funny asking for it?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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We\u2019ve been made to believe it\u2019s uncomfortable and yucky to ask someone to repay borrowed money. Yet it\u2019s the other person who should feel that way! Then there are people who let you pay for the cab in full, or put you on the spot to split an unbalanced dinner check or many other things where you end up paying way too much. When I was DoorMat, that was my M.O. I treated people to dinner and <\/span>movies to avoid being alone. I loaned money to the same people who never paid me back.<\/span><\/p>\n

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People Pleasers think that they have to shell out money so people will like them. They\u2019re afraid to alienate by saying no or setting money boundaries.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Money issues can create sticky problems. I had a few friends who hit me up for money regularly and made me feel bad when I asked for it later, acting like I was being cheap. What I realize now is they were just manipulating me to avoid repaying the loan. Because I was so insecure, I\u2019d stop asking for a while. And, I\u2019d loan more when asked. Money pigs know what to say to stop you from standing up to them. They use sweet talk and innuendos of you being cheap to diffuse any boundaries you try to set.<\/span><\/p>\n

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The need to please gives money pigs more opportunity to take advantage. <\/span>
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Do you know someone who always seems to be a little short on cash when you go out? Are you expected to kick in something for her dinner, movie, or cab and she forgets to return it. Do you get angry but still lend money. Eventually you\u2019ll have so much resentment that it will take a toll on your health, your happiness and your relationship with the money pig.
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Setting solid boundaries begins with deciding you\u2019ve had enough of being someone\u2019s human ATM. <\/span>
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People Pleasers worry about being unaccommodating. Accommodate you<\/u>. Protect your money, unless you\u2019re so rich you don\u2019t mind subsidizing others. I told a client with this problem to bring just enough for herself when she went out with her money pig friend and advise her to find a cash machine or wash dishes if necessary! Nina * (not her real name) was nervous to do it but promised to try.
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Ask yourself what scares you about not loaning money or kicking in for a friend in a one-sided subsidy.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Nina called to say that the money pig used the emergency money in her wallet when refused to give her financial aid. She couldn’t believe her friend would let her pay to keep from spending that money. It’s not your responsibility if someone doesn’t bring enough. Warn a friend in advance that you know she runs short but you won’t have extra, or you two can go somewhere cheaper. Be nice about it. Don\u2019t complain about them making you pay. Just make it clear you want to only pay for yourself.
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Explain that if your friend\u2019s budget won\u2019t cover where you plan to go, you\u2019re happy to go somewhere less expensive.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Do you have money pig friends who always order extras yet expect to split the check equally? These oinkers manipulate friends to afford lots of drinks or appetizers. People Pleasers are embarrassed to speak up and end up paying too much. Nice Girls & Guys on Top<\/span> won’t subsidize them. I\u2019d rather spend MY money on ME now!<\/span><\/span><\/span> Ask yourself, “is it fair to expect me to pay for someone else\u2019s food\/drinks\/cab fare on a regular basis? Without having it reciprocated\u2014EVER!”<\/span><\/p>\n

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It is fabulously, deliciously, wonderfully empowering to stop money pigs in their tracks!<\/span><\/p>\n

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I had dinner with a friend who arrived early and had drinks and appetizers before I arrived. I had a salad and water. She had more drinks and side dishes with dinner. The $40 check had many items, so she said it was easier to just split it. I said it wasn\u2019t complicated it was to subtract my $7 salad from the bill since the rest was hers. She was annoyed I didn’t contribute to her tab. She’d done it before and I was prepared to only pay for mine! If a friend gets angry if you don’t subsidize her, stop making plans. That’s what I had to do.
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Don’t succumb to guilt. A friend who tries to mooch off of you should feel guilty.<\/span><\/p>\n

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My friend Joy always complained about her friend Karen. At dinner Karen ordered more drinks and expensive food than anyone\u2014every time\u2014then grabbed the check and divided it so everyone shared her tab. Joy didn’t drink and ate light. Karen had steak. Joy paid over $20 more than her meal most times! She wanted to just pay for her order but hated looking cheap. Karen picked on those who protested, so everyone just paid. Joy wanted to avoid embarrassment. That\u2019s ridiculous!<\/span><\/p>\n

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Money pigs should be embarrassed! <\/span>
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Before Karen joined us for dinner, I warned Joy to spell out in advance that I’d pay for just my own. Karen ordered extravagantly and insisted we split the check. I just gave my share, since I had only one dish and no drinks. She\u2019d ordered $55 more than me! When Karen pulled the “I don’t have enough money” card, I said she shouldn’t order more than she could pay for. The restaurant didn’t take credit cards, but I wouldn’t relent and suggested she find an ATM or wash dishes. Joy covered her. Karen tried to make me feel guilty, but I said she<\/u> should feel guilty.
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If you\u2019re called cheap for not splitting the check, ask what they call themselves for always expecting others to subsidize them.<\/span><\/p>\n

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On the other hand, don’t be cheap and count pennies if it’s a small difference or if sometimes you have more and sometimes the other person does does. I have friends I do split the check with since it isn\u2019t unbalanced and they\u2019re not money pigs. You can win the money pigs’ game with these tips:<\/span><\/p>\n

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* Figure out what your share is before the check arrives<\/span>. Have it ready and put it down saying, “This is what I owe.” This is the BEST way and what I usually do. It puts the money pigs into the position to ask you for more money to cover them. And if they do, it gives you a better opening to question why you should pay for part of their tab.
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* Ask for separate checks<\/span>. I\u2019m not comfortable with doing this but have found it useful when going out in a group. Usually most people are happy with this approach, especially if they want to pay with a credit card. It\u2019s the money pigs that gripe!<\/span><\/p>\n

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* If someone says, “Let’s split the check,” say you’d prefer to just pay your share<\/span>. I\u2019ve ordered light to save money and say that if questioned. You do have that right!
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If you feel uncomfortable standing up to money pigs, remind yourself it\u2019s okay to only pay for what you ordered and you don\u2019t owe the other person money<\/span>. I now have a policy of not loaning money, with a few exceptions for people close to me who I trust (who don\u2019t borrow most of the time). Explain this policy. It really can come between friends so it\u2019s better not to loan money. When you set boundaries and stick to them, the money pigs go elsewhere. Oink to them! <\/span><\/p>\n

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When I was a DoorMat, I loaned and split checks so people would like me. Now I don\u2019t care who doesn\u2019t like me because I don\u2019t share my cash! I like me and that’s what matters most!<\/span> Setting and keeping boundaries is empowering!<\/span><\/p>\n

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If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and\/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!<\/span><\/p>\n

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<a href="http:\/\/www.addthis.com\/bookmark.php" onclick="addthis_url \"AddThis<\/a> var addthis_pub = ‘wryter’; <\/span><\/p>\n

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<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was recently interviewed for Cosmopolitan magazine in the UK. The writer asked about how to deal with people who often put you in the position of paying for them or paying more than your fair share of a check. Some people take advantage of \u201cnicer\u201d friends. It\u2019s a universal problem. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. 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