{"id":3716,"date":"2012-12-21T12:01:52","date_gmt":"2012-12-21T17:01:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=3716"},"modified":"2012-12-14T22:40:36","modified_gmt":"2012-12-15T03:40:36","slug":"turn-confrontation-into-communication","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/turn-confrontation-into-communication.html","title":{"rendered":"Turn Confrontation into Communication"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>When you get angry enough, it’s common to consider having a confrontation with the person who annoys you. It\u2019s natural to want to tell the other person off, or emotionally blurt out how they made you feel. Don\u2019t! Often when you do that you can lose control of yourself as you rant to the person who will usually go on the defensive and not give you the response you want. I used to do that as I transitioned out of DoorMatville. I felt that in order to be empowered I had to speak my mind. So boy did I!\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

But in reality, I didn\u2019t speak. I went on and on with a critical or whiny tone that put the person off. When you let your emotions take over\u2014all the anger, frustration, disappointment, etc. that you feel because of this person\u2014you turn communications into a confrontation. And nobody likes to hear words spoken with those emotions. Then you get more frustrated because the person makes excuses, or worse, tries to blame you for their actions. If you\u2019re already emotional, your response may be blown way out of proportion, and then you\u2019re even less likely to get resolution. Obviously, that kind of speaking up for yourself isn\u2019t satisfying, or empowering. You\u2019re never empowered when you lose control of you.<\/p>\n

Thoughtful communication is MUCH more effective. Thinking in terms of having a confrontation gets you riled. Setting boundaries calmly while communicating a serious intention gets much better results. Most situations can be resolved with clear words spoken in a friendly manner. Nice people who finish first state their objectives, nicely, in a tone indicating they expect it. Your approach and choice of words show you mean business.<\/p>\n

My operative words are \u201cnot appropriate\u201d and \u201cunacceptable.\u201d Depending on circumstances, one or the other can get the point across. Name-calling and blame doesn\u2019t. Nor does nastiness or accusations, even if you think the person deserves it. Include how you expect a situation to be remedied. For example, if your hotel room smells don\u2019t go to the front desk ready for a fight. Instead of complaining and demanding another room, say, \u201cMy room is unacceptable. How soon can I move?\u201d Presenting expectations gives no other options! For any kind of service related issue, use versions of:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI\u2019m not happy with my service. How can you make me happy?
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI was inconvenienced. What compensation will I get?\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cThat\u2019s unacceptable and I expect a quick satisfactory resolution.\u201d<\/p>\n

And if it\u2019s trouble with someone on a personal level, use versions of,<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cThat was unacceptable and if you do something like that again, I\u2019ll have to stop seeing you or it will change how we interact.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cIt\u2019s inappropriate to speak to me in that tone so please don\u2019t use it in the future.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cBorrowing my things without asking is unacceptable and I expect it not to happen again.\u201d<\/p>\n

The key to getting your way is staying calm. Once emotions show, you\u2019re taken less seriously. Yelling, crying or whining alienates people. Speaking slowly, in a rational, calm\u00a0 but firm tone, creates advocates. Explain what you expect and thank them for their cooperation.\u00a0 That shows that you\u2019re expecting cooperation! The nicer you say it, the more people respond positively.<\/p>\n

In the past, something would go wrong and I\u2019d feel a battle coming. I\u2019d attack whomever seemed responsible. On a busy day, an annoying\u00a0 person interrupted with a problem she should have handled. I chewed her out and got problems from it. So I adopted nicer skills. I remind myself the person isn\u2019t an enemy, which helps me calmly and nicely point out what is and isn\u2019t inappropriate.<\/p>\n

Clear, concise, unemotional communication goes a long way to resolve problems. Step back from your anger and just state what bothers you, guilt and blame free. You\u2019re more like to get your point across in a way that the person actually hears you when you speak softly but also let them know you\u2019re serious about what you say.
\n***************<\/p>\n

Join the Self-Love Movement<\/strong><\/a>! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When you get angry enough, it’s common to consider having a confrontation with the person who annoys you. It\u2019s natural to want to tell the other person off, or emotionally blurt out how they made you feel. Don\u2019t! Often when you do that you can lose control of yourself as you rant to the person…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,14,2],"tags":[23,537],"class_list":["post-3716","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-positive-mental-attitude","category-self-empowerment-confidence","tag-communication","tag-confrontation"],"yoast_head":"\nTurn Confrontation into Communication - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/turn-confrontation-into-communication.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Turn Confrontation into Communication - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When you get angry enough, it’s common to consider having a confrontation with the person who annoys you. It\u2019s natural to want to tell the other person off, or emotionally blurt out how they made you feel. Don\u2019t! Often when you do that you can lose control of yourself as you rant to the person…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/turn-confrontation-into-communication.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2012-12-21T17:01:52+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2012-12-15T03:40:36+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2012\/12\/mouth-snarling-300x208.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Daylle Deanna Schwartz\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Turn Confrontation into Communication - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/turn-confrontation-into-communication.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Turn Confrontation into Communication - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","og_description":"When you get angry enough, it’s common to consider having a confrontation with the person who annoys you. It\u2019s natural to want to tell the other person off, or emotionally blurt out how they made you feel. Don\u2019t! Often when you do that you can lose control of yourself as you rant to the person…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/turn-confrontation-into-communication.html","og_site_name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","article_published_time":"2012-12-21T17:01:52+00:00","article_modified_time":"2012-12-15T03:40:36+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2012\/12\/mouth-snarling-300x208.jpg"}],"author":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/turn-confrontation-into-communication.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/turn-confrontation-into-communication.html","name":"Turn Confrontation into Communication - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/turn-confrontation-into-communication.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/turn-confrontation-into-communication.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2012\/12\/mouth-snarling-300x208.jpg","datePublished":"2012-12-21T17:01:52+00:00","dateModified":"2012-12-15T03:40:36+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/turn-confrontation-into-communication.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/turn-confrontation-into-communication.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/turn-confrontation-into-communication.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2012\/12\/mouth-snarling-300x208.jpg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2012\/12\/mouth-snarling-300x208.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/turn-confrontation-into-communication.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Turn Confrontation into Communication"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/","name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","description":"Beliefnet Voices - Daylle Deanna Schwartz","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35","name":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","caption":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz"},"description":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz is a speaker, self-empowerment counselor, best-selling author of 15 books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill), All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise and founder of The Self-Love Movement\u2122 where she's giving away her 13th book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3716","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3716"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3716\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3737,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3716\/revisions\/3737"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3716"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3716"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3716"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}