{"id":3715,"date":"2012-12-28T12:01:33","date_gmt":"2012-12-28T17:01:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=3715"},"modified":"2012-12-26T16:21:09","modified_gmt":"2012-12-26T21:21:09","slug":"why-guilt-can-be-the-best-revenge","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/why-guilt-can-be-the-best-revenge.html","title":{"rendered":"Why Guilt Can Be the Best Revenge"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Revenge is usually considered a negative quality. Getting even often hurts you because what goes around, comes back to you. Plus, it keeps you immersed in the negative energy of what the person did. Depending on the circumstances, the best way to get even is to stoke the person\u2019s guilt about what they did. Most people know when they do something wrong or that you won\u2019t like. Often you respond with a tongue-lashing\u2014letting them know over and over what they did to you and how you feel about it.<\/p>\n

That doesn\u2019t usually get you the response you want. I recently wrote about how to Turn Confrontation into Communicatio<\/strong><\/a>n and discussed how people don\u2019t hear you objectively if you\u2019re jumping down their throats. Besides them not wanting to hear it, this approach backfires for another reason. Often people convince themselves that what they did wasn\u2019t so terrible but do know it wasn\u2019t right. But when you yell and accuse and get nasty, the person uses that as a distorted backwards justification of their actions. \u201cI know I was wrong to do that but\u2014after the way she just yelled at me, she deserved it!\u201d<\/p>\n

When someone does you wrong, he\/she wants to be told off, even if they don’t like it. Then they can apologize and feel better. Often people feel resolved once they make excuses and apologize. Once that happens they let go of their guilt about what they did. So don\u2019t let them! If you want to get back at those who did you wrong, dodge their apologies. Instead of acknowledging them, say something that shows it means nothing to you, like \u201cwhatever.\u201d Don\u2019t say \u201cOkay\u201d or anything else that indicates acceptance of the excuse or forgiveness. Be nice, friendly, and courteous but don\u2019t show you accept what their excuses. \u201cWhatever!\u201d<\/p>\n

Then they still know they\u2019re wrong and feel no absolution since you didn\u2019t yell, or accept their apologies or excuses.<\/p>\n

For example, I had a client, Trina, whose husband often stayed late at work but never called to let her know. When she began working with me she was a consummate DoorMat and would keep his dinner warm and serve it to him whenever he arrived. Sometimes he got in fairly late. She\u2019d beg him to call and alert her to the time he\u2019d get home but he\u2019d shrug her off and say he was too busy to remember. He\u2019d always arrive saying his was sorry and give her reasons for his delay.<\/p>\n

Trina knew they were legit but just asked for a call, especially since their kids got upset when daddy didn\u2019t show up without warning. And it interfered with her getting to bed early. I told her the next time he did it she should put his dinner in the fridge and go to bed. Even if she was up when she heard his car, shut the light and fake being asleep. And, refuse to accept apologies and excuses the next day.<\/p>\n

Trina was excited at our next session. She made believe she was sleeping when his car pulled in. Hubby looked in and made a little noise as if to get her attention but she laid there with her eyes closed. The next morning he immediately began his apologies and excuses. She cut him off before he could get them out and said she had to get the kids ready for school. He followed her around, trying to get his excuses in. When he said he wanted to apologize for not calling, she just said in an even tone, \u201cI don\u2019t\u2019 want to hear anything I\u2019ve heard many times.\u201d When he continued trying to justify not calling, she kept saying \u201cWhatever.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hubby kept trying to explain and apologize. He even emailed Trina but she didn\u2019t respond. He needed her forgiveness, or a scolding like he usually got so he could let go of his guilt and move on. She gave him neither. When he got home on time the next day, he again tried to explain. This time Trina just said, with a smile, \u201cSame old, same old.\u201d Because she was still sweet he couldn\u2019t read her. The next night he called to say he wouldn\u2019t be home till 9. She thanked him for letting her know. Now he does it whenever he’ll be late. She feels like she has some control for the first time!<\/p>\n

Try this technique when someone does something you don\u2019t like, that they\u2019ve done before and you feel like you can\u2019t get good resolution. If he explains why he didn\u2019t call. \u201cWhatever!\u201d She apologizes for not returning your hair dryer\u2014again. \u201cWhatever!\u201d Shrug off excuses. Not letting them apologize turns the guilt inward. Accepting apologies helps them move on. Why help them? I nicely cut people off when I\u2019m hearing the same old, same old. Whatever! It shows you\u2019re not buying lame words and many will shape up from that message much sooner than from nagging or getting angry. And it keeps you from getting too aggravated.<\/p>\n

Letting someone feel guilty about what they did (even if you don\u2019t know it, they are!) is a much healthier way to get even and puts you in the driver\u2019s seat. Trust me, people know when they\u2019ve done wrong. Your lack of a response is the best way to get them back.
\n***************<\/p>\n

Join the Self-Love Movement\u2122<\/strong><\/a>! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 31 Days of 2012 Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Revenge is usually considered a negative quality. Getting even often hurts you because what goes around, comes back to you. Plus, it keeps you immersed in the negative energy of what the person did. Depending on the circumstances, the best way to get even is to stoke the person\u2019s guilt about what they did. Most…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,14,2],"tags":[536,315],"class_list":["post-3715","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-positive-mental-attitude","category-self-empowerment-confidence","tag-positive-revenge","tag-self-control"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy Guilt Can Be the Best Revenge - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/why-guilt-can-be-the-best-revenge.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Why Guilt Can Be the Best Revenge - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Revenge is usually considered a negative quality. Getting even often hurts you because what goes around, comes back to you. Plus, it keeps you immersed in the negative energy of what the person did. Depending on the circumstances, the best way to get even is to stoke the person\u2019s guilt about what they did. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3715","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3715"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3715\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3724,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3715\/revisions\/3724"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3715"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3715"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3715"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}