{"id":3678,"date":"2012-12-07T12:01:37","date_gmt":"2012-12-07T17:01:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=3678"},"modified":"2012-11-16T23:04:00","modified_gmt":"2012-11-17T04:04:00","slug":"being-nice-vs-being-a-victim","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/being-nice-vs-being-a-victim.html","title":{"rendered":"Being Nice vs. Being a Victim"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>People who consider themselves nice moan, \u201cWhy do people use me?\u201d And groan, \u201cWhy me?\u201d And whine, \u201cI\u2019ll never get what I want because_____.\u201d\u00a0 Fill in that blank with, \u201cbecause I allow myself to be a victim.\u201d But this isn\u2019t nice! Or satisfying.<\/p>\n

Victims blame other people for being unhappy. People pleasers who call themselves nice usually see themselves as victims of people who take advantage of them. They suffer like it\u2019s their penance and complain about those who did them wrong. But you don\u2019t have to! We all have the choice to accept behavior we don\u2019t like, or not accept it. People don\u2019t make you a victim. You volunteer.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re taught that confronting or changing your response to people who don\u2019t treat you right isn\u2019t nice, you hold the negative emotions in and allow yourself to be a victim. This is poison! You all deserve happiness! Asking \u201cWhy me?\u201d when life isn\u2019t good reinforces victimhood. Empowered nice people focus their energy on how to change situations. Many people allow themselves to be a victim of poor treatment as punishment if they believe they\u2019re not \u201cbeing good enough.\u201d That destroys self-esteem and isn\u2019t nice!<\/p>\n

People pleasers are often a victim of their insecurities, such as: \u201cI\u2019m not thin enough so I\u2019d better be agreeable, even if I don\u2019t like it.\u201d Or \u201cOther people seem better than me at work so I\u2019ll do all the grunt work, even though it\u2019s not my job.\u201d Everyone has their own issues that make them insecure enough to be so \u201cnice\u201d that people walk all over them. Then they blame their unhappiness on how others treat them. But the truth is, your own insecurity makes you a victim. If you feel like a loser in some way, you expect people to treat you like one.<\/p>\n

A key to being a nice person who finishes first is to take responsibility for how people treat you. It\u2019s your choice to adopt a victim mentality or change your response to what you don\u2019t like. Nobody can take advantage of you if you CHOOSE not to let them. Someone can\u2019t take all your time unless you give it. If you do many favors for friends who never help you, stop giving them your time and energy! Being nice should make you feel good, not like an unhappy victim of people who use and abuse your kindness.<\/p>\n

People pleasers who call themselves \u201cnice\u201d give others power over them and their beliefs. \u201cHe makes me feel unattractive.\u201d It\u2019s your choice to feel unattractive! Your response determines whether you\u2019re a victim of hurtful words or a powerful person who doesn\u2019t accept unfair criticism. Deciding to ditch the victim role and stand up for yourself nicely attracts better treatment and increases self-respect.<\/p>\n

People can\u2019t consistently do negative things unless you allow them to. Relinquish self-pity and change your situation! Why stay a victim? Taking a stand makes people less likely to take advantage. YOU control how folks treat you. It\u2019s your choice to agree to what you don\u2019t want to do. It\u2019s your choice to listen when people say hurtful things.<\/p>\n

Nicely tell someone who regularly says things you don\u2019t like that you\u2019ll walk away or hang up the phone if it doesn\u2019t stop, and do it! Politely turn down requests you don\u2019t want to do. Let your response to people show that you\u2019re no longer a victim. Complaining is a cop-out. You don\u2019t have to yell at the person or get nasty. Just gently explain that you\u2019re doing things differently now and you hope they\u2019ll accept it in the spirit you feel. Slowly set stronger boundaries.<\/p>\n

Nobody uses someone who won’t allow it. Stop receiving unacceptable behavior by changing your response to it. You can be a very nice person, giving when you can, when you take responsibility for how people treat you. That gives you the power to change how people treat you and own your life, instead of others owning you.
\n***************<\/p>\n

Join the Self-Love Movement<\/strong><\/a>! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

People who consider themselves nice moan, \u201cWhy do people use me?\u201d And groan, \u201cWhy me?\u201d And whine, \u201cI\u2019ll never get what I want because_____.\u201d\u00a0 Fill in that blank with, \u201cbecause I allow myself to be a victim.\u201d But this isn\u2019t nice! Or satisfying. Victims blame other people for being unhappy. People pleasers who call themselves…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,14,2,15],"tags":[527,526],"class_list":["post-3678","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-positive-mental-attitude","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-being-a-vicitim","tag-nice-bs-doormat"],"yoast_head":"\nBeing Nice vs. Being a Victim - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/12\/being-nice-vs-being-a-victim.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Being Nice vs. Being a Victim - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"People who consider themselves nice moan, \u201cWhy do people use me?\u201d And groan, \u201cWhy me?\u201d And whine, \u201cI\u2019ll never get what I want because_____.\u201d\u00a0 Fill in that blank with, \u201cbecause I allow myself to be a victim.\u201d But this isn\u2019t nice! Or satisfying. Victims blame other people for being unhappy. 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Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3678","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3678"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3678\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3679,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3678\/revisions\/3679"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3678"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3678"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3678"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}