{"id":3659,"date":"2012-11-23T12:01:40","date_gmt":"2012-11-23T17:01:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=3659"},"modified":"2012-11-12T12:27:31","modified_gmt":"2012-11-12T17:27:31","slug":"guidance-vs-trying-to-control","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/11\/guidance-vs-trying-to-control.html","title":{"rendered":"Guidance vs. Trying to Control"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Many people like to consider themselves helpful, and that can be a good thing. It feels good to help others when you can. But sometimes people mistake trying to control what someone else does as guidance, which it\u2019s not. It\u2019s important to watch out for those types and not let them push their ways on you if it\u2019s not what you want. And it\u2019s also important not to be one of them. Sometimes we call them know-it-alls. But when these know-it-alls push their beliefs and know-how onto you as the only way to think or do something, you need to stop them.<\/p>\n

Too often controlling people come across under the guise of \u201cI\u2019m just trying to help you.\u201d When I was a DoorMat, some of those types would pick me apart, telling me what was wrong with my looks, how I did things, etc. It hurt, not helped. I couldn\u2019t even listen to what they said except to hear criticism. It’s important to stop them in their tracks so you don’t become hostage to their ways as they try to treat you like their puppet by saying things like:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cYou\u2019d look much better if you\u2019d_______ and I\u2019ll help you do it.\u201d That\u2019s basically saying there\u2019s something wrong with how you look now, and the person it determined to renovate you. It can hurt your self-esteem and change your appearance in a way you don\u2019t like because you feel pressured.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cYou have to do that this way instead.\u201d That\u2019s more of a demand but if you complain, you\u2019ll probably hear, \u201cbut I was just trying to help you.\u201d But it\u2019s not being helpful, it\u2019s insisting on their way<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI\u2019ve done this many times and know best so just follow my lead.\u201d Again, the person isn\u2019t trying to give you a choice. They’re not asking, they’re telling you what to do.<\/p>\n

The best way to guide is through your own example. I can\u2019t force anyone to love her\/himself but when people see that I was able to do it and how happy it makes me, they\u2019re motivated to try. Guidance is also letting someone know what worked for you and offering to show them, IF they\u2019d like you to. But if someone insists you do it their way, that\u2019s trying to control you, which you shouldn\u2019t tolerate, or do to someone else.<\/p>\n

Beware of controlling people. They\u2019re everywhere I\u2019ve learned. And they love to find the people pleasers who\u2019ll allow themselves to be controlled. As I said, I used to bristle from controlling people but I didn\u2019t know how to stop them or go against them. No more!\u00a0 If you\u2019re with someone who takes helping to a controlling level, speak up!<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI appreciate your wanting to help me but I\u2019m fine doing it my way. Please respect that.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cThat may work for you but I prefer to do what\u2019s worked for me.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI\u2019d appreciate your taking no for an answer. I don\u2019t want to argue.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI\u2019m smart enough to figure it out for myself.\u2019<\/p>\n

And so on. Be friendly and polite but also firm about them not butting into your life. You can be a nice person who doesn\u2019t allow people to tell you what to do or not do. It\u2019s very empowering to disconnect their control buttons!
\n***************<\/p>\n

Join the Self-Love Movement<\/strong><\/a>! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Many people like to consider themselves helpful, and that can be a good thing. It feels good to help others when you can. But sometimes people mistake trying to control what someone else does as guidance, which it\u2019s not. It\u2019s important to watch out for those types and not let them push their ways on…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,2,15],"tags":[520,521,153],"class_list":["post-3659","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-controlling-people","tag-express-yourself","tag-speaking-up"],"yoast_head":"\nGuidance vs. Trying to Control - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/11\/guidance-vs-trying-to-control.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Guidance vs. Trying to Control - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Many people like to consider themselves helpful, and that can be a good thing. It feels good to help others when you can. But sometimes people mistake trying to control what someone else does as guidance, which it\u2019s not. It\u2019s important to watch out for those types and not let them push their ways on…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/11\/guidance-vs-trying-to-control.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2012-11-23T17:01:40+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2012-11-12T17:27:31+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2012\/11\/puppet-225x300.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Daylle Deanna Schwartz\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Guidance vs. Trying to Control - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/11\/guidance-vs-trying-to-control.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Guidance vs. Trying to Control - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","og_description":"Many people like to consider themselves helpful, and that can be a good thing. It feels good to help others when you can. But sometimes people mistake trying to control what someone else does as guidance, which it\u2019s not. It\u2019s important to watch out for those types and not let them push their ways on…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/11\/guidance-vs-trying-to-control.html","og_site_name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","article_published_time":"2012-11-23T17:01:40+00:00","article_modified_time":"2012-11-12T17:27:31+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2012\/11\/puppet-225x300.jpg"}],"author":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/11\/guidance-vs-trying-to-control.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/11\/guidance-vs-trying-to-control.html","name":"Guidance vs. Trying to Control - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/11\/guidance-vs-trying-to-control.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/11\/guidance-vs-trying-to-control.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2012\/11\/puppet-225x300.jpg","datePublished":"2012-11-23T17:01:40+00:00","dateModified":"2012-11-12T17:27:31+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/11\/guidance-vs-trying-to-control.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/11\/guidance-vs-trying-to-control.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/11\/guidance-vs-trying-to-control.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2012\/11\/puppet-225x300.jpg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2012\/11\/puppet-225x300.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/11\/guidance-vs-trying-to-control.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Guidance vs. Trying to Control"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/","name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","description":"Beliefnet Voices - Daylle Deanna Schwartz","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35","name":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","caption":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz"},"description":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz is a speaker, self-empowerment counselor, best-selling author of 15 books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill), All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise and founder of The Self-Love Movement\u2122 where she's giving away her 13th book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3659","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3659"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3659\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3662,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3659\/revisions\/3662"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3659"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3659"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3659"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}