{"id":3598,"date":"2012-11-05T12:01:07","date_gmt":"2012-11-05T17:01:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=3598"},"modified":"2012-09-28T23:22:07","modified_gmt":"2012-09-29T03:22:07","slug":"stop-playing-defense-with-people","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/11\/stop-playing-defense-with-people.html","title":{"rendered":"Stop Playing Defense with People"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>When I began to say \u201cno\u201d to people or changed my habits in my DoorMat days, I found myself having defend what I did. People were used to me one way\u2014always agreeable\u2014and some didn\u2019t like the new more empowered Daylle. I often found myself defending what I did or having to make excuses for not doing favors. Looking back, I know I did nothing that needed defending. I had a right to put myself first and live my way, just like you do. But when you want everyone to like you, the need to defend yourself is great.<\/p>\n

When you let go of your people pleasing ways, there will be people who try to guilt you back by making accusations of your being selfish, or worse. That\u2019s just a ploy to manipulate you back to more pleasing ways. I learned the hard way that pleasing yourself is most important. In my DoorMat days I\u2019d be defending or apologizing for being too sick to give someone a lift. It was okay for people to say \u201cno\u201d to me and leave me without support. But if I tried to put me first, I was all kinds of nasty names.<\/p>\n

Then there are the people who question your lifestyle or choices. When you do something risky or out of the norm, people will question it. I defended my decision to go to Europe on my own with a backpack. \u201cI don\u2019t think it\u2019s safe.\u201d Why don\u2019t you go with a tour group?\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re not a kid and shouldn\u2019t be traveling that way.\u201d I explained over and over why I was doing it MY way but got pummeled with doubting comments. I was stronger then and chose to just say I\u2019d do it my way. Period. I didn\u2019t defend my choices, which felt really good!<\/p>\n

People will sometimes put you on the spot for something. It\u2019s your choice how to handle it. Get defensive and you give them power over you. Make light of their comments, however annoying they are or stinging they sound. Once you start defending things that you don\u2019t see anything wrong with, you add a negative spin to them. If you believe in yourself and what you\u2019re doing, don\u2019t make excuses or try to explain to people who have no right to challenge your decisions. In sports, the defense is important but the offense gets the points. That’s why it’s so important to switch to playing offense. That’s what get you more!<\/p>\n

Often those people either want to push you back into DoorMatville by making you feel bad about putting you first, or, they\u2019re jealous of you. It\u2019s hard to stand up for yourself and say \u201cno\u201d to people you care about. If the person who makes the comments can\u2019t do it, you may push their envy buttons. Or you may be about to do something they\u2019d love to do but don\u2019t have the nerve to. So they put you down and try to crush your efforts because they may feel like their desires will never be realized.<\/p>\n

Thank people for their concern but say that you\u2019re fine with your decision and would rather not discuss it. Take the offense. Ask why it bothers them so much or why they think turning down a request is selfish. Put the person on the defensive. As long as you know you\u2019re doing nothing wrong, remind yourself of that and refuse to get into a debate about what you\u2019ve chosen to do. Go into offensive mode and score. That\u2019s empowerment!
\n***************<\/p>\n

Join The Self-Love Movement! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Challenge<\/strong><\/a>–a pledge to do something loving for yourself for the next 31 days–and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts from 2012 HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When I began to say \u201cno\u201d to people or changed my habits in my DoorMat days, I found myself having defend what I did. People were used to me one way\u2014always agreeable\u2014and some didn\u2019t like the new more empowered Daylle. I often found myself defending what I did or having to make excuses for not…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,14,2,15],"tags":[43,88],"class_list":["post-3598","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-positive-mental-attitude","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-people-pleasing","tag-self-empowerment"],"yoast_head":"\nStop Playing Defense with People - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/11\/stop-playing-defense-with-people.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Stop Playing Defense with People - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When I began to say \u201cno\u201d to people or changed my habits in my DoorMat days, I found myself having defend what I did. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3598","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3598"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3598\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3601,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3598\/revisions\/3601"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3598"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3598"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3598"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}