{"id":3545,"date":"2012-10-11T09:13:01","date_gmt":"2012-10-11T13:13:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=3545"},"modified":"2012-10-11T21:13:09","modified_gmt":"2012-10-12T01:13:09","slug":"freeing-yourself","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/10\/freeing-yourself.html","title":{"rendered":"Freeing Yourself"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>I’m always happy to have Tina Tessina<\/a><\/strong>, Ph.D. as my guest. Her articles bring a great response as she has such a good take on life’s ups and downs. Tina is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in California and the author of MANY books, including Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage<\/a>.. Today she talks about how people can be scared of hoping for something and how to overcome it. Here’s what she has to say:<\/p>\n

Living Outside the Box<\/strong>
\nBy Tina Tessina<\/strong><\/p>\n

I was speaking with a client today about his burn – out in his career. This is a man who\u201as been very successful, earned a lot of money, and worked hard for a big, national corporation.\u00a0 I told him he was burned out, and on strike, because he had put himself in a box about work.\u00a0 The box consisted of four walls:<\/p>\n

Wall #1: I have to make $$$$ amount of money
\nWall #2: I have to work for a certain kind of company
\nWall #3: I\u201am scared about letting myself be creative (the unknown)
\nWall #4: I hate all of it.<\/p>\n

When he put up these walls, he was out of options, and stuck in a terrible place. If he could take down even one of the walls, he could let himself out of the box. Later in the afternoon, I was speaking with another client about relationships. He wanted to figure out what ebox\u201a (his word) a person in his life would fit in\u2014lover, friend, etc.\u00a0 I told him that he couldn\u2019t put another person in a box. The only one he could put in a box was himself\u2014what he was willing to do in the relationship, and what he wasn\u2019t willing to do. And then make sure he set those boundaries for himself and lived up to it.<\/p>\n

I frequently see people who are unhappy in their relationships, and feel too stuck to do anything about it.\u00a0 Their boxes usually consist of the following walls:<\/p>\n

Wall #1: I\u2019m very unhappy, but I can\u201at do anything about it
\nWall #2: I have to keep this relationship; I won\u2019t find another.
\nWall #3: I can\u2019t tell my partner what\u2019s wrong, because he or she would be angry\/hurt.
\nWall #4: I can\u2019t change what I\u2019m doing without my partner\u2019s consent.<\/p>\n

Again, looking at the walls that have you trapped, and letting down even one wall can give you the power you need to make changes, improve your relationship and create a happier life. There are many possible boxes you can encounter in life.\u00a0 It\u2019s easy to get locked in by shoulds, have \u2013 to\u2019s, can\u2019ts and won\u2019ts to the point that you can\u2019t move at all.\u00a0 We can get stuck in work boxes, family boxes, relationship boxes and health boxes. Other people can try to put us in boxes.\u00a0 Boxes are traps constructed of imaginary walls \u02c6 prohibitions we believe are real, but turn out to be false when examined. How do you tell if you\u201are in a box?<\/p>\n

* When you\u201are boxed in, you\u2019ll feel discouraged and hopeless (people often
\nmistake this for depression), frustrated, blocked and angry.<\/p>\n

* You may shut down and not be able to get yourself to do things you know would be good for you like take care of your health, be loving toward your partner or family, or be motivated in your career.<\/p>\n

* You may feel cranky and out of sorts, and find yourself pushing friends and family away.<\/p>\n

* The pain of being boxed in can also bring on addiction symptoms drinking too much, overeating, overspending, or a drug habit.<\/p>\n

What can you do about it? When one of my clients feels very stressed, stuck and down, I usually
\nsuspect they\u2019ve gotten themselves into a box.\u00a0 After they talk for a while, I can frequently hear them delineate the walls that have them trapped.\u00a0 When you find yourself feeling trapped and discouraged, you can get out of it by following these steps:<\/p>\n

1. Realize that you\u2019ve mentally boxed yourself in with a series of restrictions that feel real, but are actually fiction masquerading as fact.<\/p>\n

2. Become aware of the negative messages you tell yourself. If you\u2019re telling yourself things like\u2014\u201cIt\u2019s too scary.\u201d \u201cI can\u2019t do that because….\u201d \u201cI\u2019m not worth it\u201d \u201cI can\u2019t handle that.\u201d \u201cIt won\u2019t work\u201d\u2014you\u2019re building and reinforcing walls.<\/p>\n

3. Challenge at least one of the walls.\u00a0 Create affirmations\u2014positive statements you repeat to yourself to counter negative thoughts by using a negative thought and turning it around. \u201cIt\u2019s too scary\u201d becomes \u201cI am not afraid.\u201d<\/p>\n

4. Take a step outside the box. Once you see what the mental walls of your box are, and challenge them, you\u2019ll be freed up to try something new, and get out of the box.<\/p>\n

5. Celebrate your accomplishment to create motivation for taking more steps to happiness.<\/p>\n

Once you understand that your box is not as real as it feels, you can make your way to a happier life.\u00a0 May all your dreams come true.<\/p>\n

Adapted from: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction<\/strong><\/p>\n

***************<\/p>\n

Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Challenge<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. And you can post your loving acts HERE<\/a><\/strong> to reinforce your intention to love yourself. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’m always happy to have Tina Tessina, Ph.D. as my guest. Her articles bring a great response as she has such a good take on life’s ups and downs. Tina is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in California and the author of MANY books, including Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14,2,15],"tags":[88,974],"class_list":["post-3545","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-positive-mental-attitude","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-self-empowerment","tag-tina-tessina"],"yoast_head":"\nFreeing Yourself - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/10\/freeing-yourself.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Freeing Yourself - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I’m always happy to have Tina Tessina, Ph.D. as my guest. 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Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. 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