{"id":3396,"date":"2012-09-14T12:01:45","date_gmt":"2012-09-14T16:01:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=3396"},"modified":"2012-07-30T12:34:16","modified_gmt":"2012-07-30T16:34:16","slug":"question-how-do-i-stop-unwanted-advice","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/09\/question-how-do-i-stop-unwanted-advice.html","title":{"rendered":"QUESTION: How Do I Stop Unwanted Advice?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Leila asked: \u201cMy cousin is always giving me advice that I disagree with, which feels more like telling me what I should do. It feels condescending in that she says it, like I\u2019m doing something wrong and she needs to tell me the right way. When I told her I\u2019m going for an interview for a new job, she immediately began to tell me what to wear and what not to say, like I\u2019m too stupid to figure it out myself. And she always tells me how to handle my kids. No matter what I do, she\u2019s got a better way to deal with them.<\/p>\n

How do I stop this barrage of unasked for advice without alienating her? Since she\u2019s my cousin, it could also become a family issue, which is why I\u2019ve just nodded up to now.\u201d<\/p>\n

There are people who like to give advice and the extreme of that\u2014the buttinskis. They can be very annoying because they think they\u2019re always right and try to shove their suggestions onto you. Getting annoyed with them does no good. And it\u2019s probably not even personal. These types need to feel useful and look for ways to tell people what they should do. I\u2019d bet most truly think they\u2019re helping you and that belief helps them to shrug off or get annoyed at indications that you don\u2019t want their advice. They\u2019re often so full of themselves and their belief that they know best, that it\u2019s hard to get through.<\/p>\n

If it\u2019s someone you\u2019re close to, have a talk with the person. Don\u2019t get angry oro accuse them of being too pushy. Say you know she means well but you\u2019d rather not get so much input. Explain that while you appreciate their trying to help you, you\u2019d rather stick to your way. You can even add that it comes across like they don\u2019t think you\u2019re smart enough to know what to do or that you can\u2019t handle yourself, which makes you uncomfortable. And the main thing is, you value her and don\u2019t won\u2019t to have negative feelings. Can she please respect your preference for letting you find your own way?<\/p>\n

If you can\u2019t talk to the person like that or it\u2019s someone you don\u2019t need a relationship with but want to remain on good terms, have some pat answers ready for when advice come. Say \u201cthanks\u201d followed by:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cBut I\u2019m happy with doing it my way.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI\u2019ve done pretty well so far and will stick to it.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 “I\u2019ve got it covered.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI\u2019m good the way I do it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t defend what you do or try to explain why your way is better. It\u2019s not necessary! If you want to stick to your way, that\u2019s how it should be. \u201cI won\u2019t argue with you but I intend to do it my way.\u201d Eventually, if you give the advice no credence and change the subject as soon as you\u2019ve let her know you\u2019re sticking to your way, she might get the message or get bored with giving advice you don\u2019t acknowledge. No matter what her response, cut the conversation as soon as you can. Then continue with your way.
\n***************<\/p>\n

Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Challenge<\/strong><\/a>–a pledge to do something loving for yourself for the next 31 days–and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts from 2012 HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Leila asked: \u201cMy cousin is always giving me advice that I disagree with, which feels more like telling me what I should do. It feels condescending in that she says it, like I\u2019m doing something wrong and she needs to tell me the right way. When I told her I\u2019m going for an interview for…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,2],"tags":[447],"class_list":["post-3396","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-self-empowerment-confidence","tag-unwanted-advice"],"yoast_head":"\nQUESTION: How Do I Stop Unwanted Advice? - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/09\/question-how-do-i-stop-unwanted-advice.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"QUESTION: How Do I Stop Unwanted Advice? - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Leila asked: \u201cMy cousin is always giving me advice that I disagree with, which feels more like telling me what I should do. It feels condescending in that she says it, like I\u2019m doing something wrong and she needs to tell me the right way. When I told her I\u2019m going for an interview for…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/09\/question-how-do-i-stop-unwanted-advice.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2012-09-14T16:01:45+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2012-07-30T16:34:16+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2011\/07\/Question-Mark-fuschia-thumb-good.thumb-199x199-15011-thumb-199x199-15012-thumb-199x199-15084-thumb-199x199-20019-thumb-199x199-21153.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Daylle Deanna Schwartz\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"QUESTION: How Do I Stop Unwanted Advice? - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/09\/question-how-do-i-stop-unwanted-advice.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"QUESTION: How Do I Stop Unwanted Advice? - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","og_description":"Leila asked: \u201cMy cousin is always giving me advice that I disagree with, which feels more like telling me what I should do. It feels condescending in that she says it, like I\u2019m doing something wrong and she needs to tell me the right way. When I told her I\u2019m going for an interview for…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/09\/question-how-do-i-stop-unwanted-advice.html","og_site_name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","article_published_time":"2012-09-14T16:01:45+00:00","article_modified_time":"2012-07-30T16:34:16+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2011\/07\/Question-Mark-fuschia-thumb-good.thumb-199x199-15011-thumb-199x199-15012-thumb-199x199-15084-thumb-199x199-20019-thumb-199x199-21153.jpg"}],"author":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/09\/question-how-do-i-stop-unwanted-advice.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/09\/question-how-do-i-stop-unwanted-advice.html","name":"QUESTION: How Do I Stop Unwanted Advice? - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/09\/question-how-do-i-stop-unwanted-advice.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/09\/question-how-do-i-stop-unwanted-advice.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2011\/07\/Question-Mark-fuschia-thumb-good.thumb-199x199-15011-thumb-199x199-15012-thumb-199x199-15084-thumb-199x199-20019-thumb-199x199-21153.jpg","datePublished":"2012-09-14T16:01:45+00:00","dateModified":"2012-07-30T16:34:16+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/09\/question-how-do-i-stop-unwanted-advice.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/09\/question-how-do-i-stop-unwanted-advice.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/09\/question-how-do-i-stop-unwanted-advice.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2011\/07\/Question-Mark-fuschia-thumb-good.thumb-199x199-15011-thumb-199x199-15012-thumb-199x199-15084-thumb-199x199-20019-thumb-199x199-21153.jpg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2011\/07\/Question-Mark-fuschia-thumb-good.thumb-199x199-15011-thumb-199x199-15012-thumb-199x199-15084-thumb-199x199-20019-thumb-199x199-21153.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/09\/question-how-do-i-stop-unwanted-advice.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"QUESTION: How Do I Stop Unwanted Advice?"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/","name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","description":"Beliefnet Voices - Daylle Deanna Schwartz","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35","name":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","caption":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz"},"description":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz is a speaker, self-empowerment counselor, best-selling author of 15 books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill), All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise and founder of The Self-Love Movement\u2122 where she's giving away her 13th book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3396","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3396"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3396\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3435,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3396\/revisions\/3435"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3396"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3396"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3396"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}