{"id":3386,"date":"2012-09-24T12:01:25","date_gmt":"2012-09-24T16:01:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=3386"},"modified":"2012-07-06T16:31:58","modified_gmt":"2012-07-06T20:31:58","slug":"empower-yourself-with-dont-or-wont","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/09\/empower-yourself-with-dont-or-wont.html","title":{"rendered":"Empower Yourself with Don\u2019t or Won\u2019t"},"content":{"rendered":"

There are many things we know aren\u2019t g\"\"<\/a>ood for us but it\u2019s hard to resist. From food to romantic partners, to your job, we often have to use strength to hold fast to a healthier choice or one that in the long run will serve you better or will set boundaries for the future. That can be hard, whether you’re fighting an urge with yourself or standing up to others. If you were brought up to be nice, you\u2019re used to using nicer words and may be focused on \u201cshoulds.\u201c<\/p>\n

So much of how you talk to yourself and to others is from habit, many of them made when you were a people pleaser. Even when you try to stay strong about not doing something, the words you use can make you feel weak, or at least not express good resolve. Pay attention to what you say when you try to resist something and make your words more definite. Being wishy washy or letting your desire still come through will lower your resolve and make you feel like it\u2019s a struggle to resist. It should be an empowering moment. For example:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI know I shouldn\u2019t eat that.\u201d That statement leaves room for a \u201cbut\u2026\u201d which can lead to you making an exception. Saying \u201cI don\u2019t eat desserts during the week\u201d sets a more concrete boundary.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI can\u2019t go back to him.\u201d If you were in a bad relationship and broke it off, that statement indicates you think you can\u2019t but can also reflect a yearning for the good stuff you got. \u201cIt\u2019s over for good.\u201d sets a better tone for staying away from him.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 “I hate when you do that.” So you hate it. That doesn’t mean the person must stop. If you want them to stop, then say, “Stop! Don’t do that anymore.”<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cMy boss is impossible to work for so I should get another job.\u201d It\u2019s impossible yet you\u2019re still there. \u201cI won\u2019t work here anymore and will get a new job\u201d will get you out of there faster and feels more empowering.<\/p>\n

Those first statements can make you feel like you\u2019re trying to resist something you still want and that you feel deprived about not being able to have it. You still want the dessert, the guy or the job but don\u2019t want the negatives that go with it. The most important aspects are those negatives. Using the firmer words\u2014don\u2019t, won\u2019t\u2014keep you focused on why you must resist instead of allowing the longing to keep you from feeling strong about resisting it.<\/p>\n

Watch the words you use, both to yourself and out loud. Make sure you use words that empower you instead of weakening your resolve. You\u2019ll get a lot more positives that way!
\n***************<\/p>\n

Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Challenge<\/strong><\/a>–a pledge to do something loving for yourself for the next 31 days–and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts from 2012 HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There are many things we know aren\u2019t good for us but it\u2019s hard to resist. From food to romantic partners, to your job, we often have to use strength to hold fast to a healthier choice or one that in the long run will serve you better or will set boundaries for the future. That…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[446],"class_list":["post-3386","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-self-empowerment-confidence","tag-empowering-words"],"yoast_head":"\nEmpower Yourself with Don\u2019t or Won\u2019t - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/09\/empower-yourself-with-dont-or-wont.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Empower Yourself with Don\u2019t or Won\u2019t - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"There are many things we know aren\u2019t good for us but it\u2019s hard to resist. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3386","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3386"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3386\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3390,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3386\/revisions\/3390"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3386"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3386"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3386"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}