{"id":3373,"date":"2012-07-16T12:01:31","date_gmt":"2012-07-16T16:01:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=3373"},"modified":"2012-07-05T23:21:06","modified_gmt":"2012-07-06T03:21:06","slug":"question-how-do-i-set-boundaries-on-buying-what-my-neighbor-sells","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/07\/question-how-do-i-set-boundaries-on-buying-what-my-neighbor-sells.html","title":{"rendered":"Question: How Do I Set Boundaries on Buying What My Neighbor Sells?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Isabel wrote that she had a dilemma. Her neighbor seemed to always be selling something. She has four kids and it often feels like at least one is selling candy or cookies to raise money for school projects or the girl scouts. And she always feels obligated to buy something. Isabel has no children so there\u2019s no reciprocation. Plus, she\u2019s not allowed to eat sugar because of health issues and just gives what she buys away.<\/p>\n

In addition, the neighbor likes to have parties where things are for sale. From makeup to housewares and everything in between, Isabel is often buying things she doesn\u2019t want, just to be a \u201cgood neighbor.\u201d She\u2019s tired of buying jewelry she won\u2019t wear and all the rest of the stuff she won\u2019t use, especially since her budget is tight and she has to give up other things to do it. Meanwhile, her friend gets lots of free things for having the party. She wants to be a nice person but doesn’t want to keep being put on the spot to buy–buy–buy.<\/p>\n

Most people encounter this kind of problem. It might be your co-worker selling things for her kids, or getting pledges to raise money for a walking\/running marathon for a charity or a friend into having parties where you have to buy merchandise. Once a year isn\u2019t terrible, but people tend to overdo it. And if you don\u2019t set boundaries, your budget can take a beating. Plus, you\u2019ll build resentment for the person who puts you on the spot.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been put on the spot many times, especially when I lived in DoorMatvile. DoorMats stand out as people who can be suckered into making a purchase or donation. And it\u2019s true! When you want to please everyone, you will feel obligated to fork over money for things you don\u2019t want, or believe in. It feels uncomfortable to turn someone down. But, you can do it without alienating people if you\u2019re careful, and firm.<\/p>\n

The next time one of her neighbors kids come selling sweets, she needs to say she can\u2019t use them. She can explain to her neighbor that she isn\u2019t allowed to eat sugar and would rather not buy those things anymore since it\u2019s a temptation and waste of money for her. Maybe she can buy something once in a while to bring to someone she visits but only when she can. For the bigger picture with the parties included, Isabel needs to have a friendly talk with her neighbor to explain that all these purchases are hurting her budget and she\u2019s not in a position to buy more.<\/p>\n

Whether it\u2019s merchandise parties or kids selling to raise money or people running for a cause, you shouldn\u2019t automatically hand over your money. Keep it on an individual basis. If it\u2019s someone you care about and it\u2019s a once in a while thing, then do it in moderation. If everyone else in your office is buying something, you can buy the cheapest thing. But in most cases, saying the right thing will get you off the hook. Try:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI\u2019m not in a position to buy anything right now.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cThis is not a good time to ask me.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I already bought some\/donated to the cause so I can\u2019t do more right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

End with, \u201cI\u2019m sure you understand my position.\u201d Little white lies won\u2019t hurt you. I do donate money to my own causes and prefer that over someone else\u2019s. Most people will understand. If they don\u2019t, oh well! Don\u2019t succumb. I\u2019ve said things like \u201cI do what I can and if you can\u2019t understand that, there\u2019s nothing more I can say.” I don\u2019t try to justify or explain. Your real friends will accept your position. You don\u2019t owe anyone, unless you\u2019ve taken collections for your own kids or causes or had parties. Otherwise, do what you can and stop doing what you don\u2019t want, guilt free. That\u2019s self-empowerment!
\n***************<\/p>\n

Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Challenge<\/strong><\/a>–a pledge to do something loving for yourself for the next 31 days–and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts from 2012 HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Isabel wrote that she had a dilemma. Her neighbor seemed to always be selling something. She has four kids and it often feels like at least one is selling candy or cookies to raise money for school projects or the girl scouts. And she always feels obligated to buy something. 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Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. 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