{"id":3134,"date":"2012-06-07T12:01:24","date_gmt":"2012-06-07T16:01:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=3134"},"modified":"2012-05-01T11:49:35","modified_gmt":"2012-05-01T15:49:35","slug":"handling-the-green-eyed-monster-envy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/06\/handling-the-green-eyed-monster-envy.html","title":{"rendered":"Handling the Green-Eyed Monster\u2014Envy"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Envy really can be a deterrent to your happiness. It can suck the life out of your joy if you let it rule your perspective. Envy can minimize your own blessings if you compare what you have to other people and allow that to influence your mood and how you view your life. That\u2019s why I\u2019m happy to have Todd Patkin<\/strong><\/a>, as my guest today. Todd is the author of Finding Happiness: One Man\u2019s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and\u2014Finally\u2014Let the Sunshine In<\/a><\/strong>. After selling his business in 2005, he was free to focus on his main passions: philanthropy and giving back to the community, spending time with family and friends, and helping more people learn how to be happy.<\/p>\n

Todd says that \u2019Keeping up with the Joneses\u2019 is a major driving force for many Americans and that letting yourself envy what others have is more likely to sabotage your happiness than to help you build a better life. Here are some of his strategies to help you leave jealousy behind and allow more happiness.<\/p>\n

Forget the Joneses: Why Envy Is the Enemy of Happiness<\/strong>
\nand What You Can Do to Get Rid of the Green-Eyed Monster Now<\/strong>
\nBy Todd Patkin<\/strong><\/p>\n

It can happen without you even realizing what\u2019s going on. You\u2019re driving home from work and see a shiny new SUV in your neighbor\u2019s driveway. Gee, you think, I\u2019d really like to upgrade our vehicle too. I wish we had enough money on hand for a down payment. Or maybe you\u2019re scrolling through your Facebook newsfeed and see a newly posted album of your friend\u2019s kids. It seems like they\u2019re always so well behaved, you sigh. I\u2019m lucky if my boys will stay still long enough to take a picture\u2014forget having clean faces and combed hair!<\/p>\n

It\u2019s true: Most of us compare ourselves to\u2014and try to keep up with\u2014the proverbial \u201cJoneses\u201d on a near-constant basis. And that\u2019s definitely not a good thing. Being in the clutches of the green-eyed monster can really sabotage your overall happiness. That\u2019s because envy makes you focus on what you don\u2019t have instead of all of the great things you do have.<\/p>\n

Social media has really exacerbated the extent to which envy affects our lives. Think about it: Sites like Twitter and Facebook allow people to live their lives in full view of others\u2026and sugarcoat every aspect of them. When you log on, you\u2019re bound to see pictures and posts that read, \u201cMost beautiful wedding ever!\u201d \u201cThis was a dream vacation in paradise!\u201d or \u201cDrinks on me\u2014I just got a promotion!\u201d As you\u2019re scrolling through this never-ending list of good news, it\u2019s all too easy to feel like you\u2019ve gotten the short end of the stick and say, \u201cWoe is me!\u201d And, of course, it doesn\u2019t help that your Facebook newsfeed doesn\u2019t ever go away. You can always torture yourself by taking a look at how much \u201cbetter\u201d everybody else has it.<\/p>\n

But here\u2019s the thing: While you\u2019re living your life in a constant haze of jealousy, you don\u2019t see the other side of the coin. What social media might not tell you is that the friend who got a promotion might also have just had a huge fight with her spouse. But unless she is one of those people who thrive on drama, she isn\u2019t going to post those details of her personal life\u2026and you won\u2019t know that things aren\u2019t as perfect as they seem. The bottom line is, jealousy doesn\u2019t do anybody any good. It makes you feel needlessly unhappy, and it can negatively affect your relationship with others. Here are six tips to help you banish envy the next time it starts to rear its ugly head:\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Admit that envy is a problem<\/strong>. To some extent, envy is natural. You can\u2019t go through your life without feeling jealous from time to time. So first, simply take note of when and why the green-eyed monster makes an appearance. (You may not even have consciously realized what you\u2019re feeling!) Specifically, be aware of how strong your emotions are and what effect they have on your attitude and behavior.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t have to take your emotional temperature every five minutes, but being generally aware of the role envy plays in your life can really make a difference in your behavior. For instance, if you\u2019re carrying around a lot of anger toward a coworker because the boss liked his project proposal instead of yours, it could be making you unnecessarily snarky, critical, and negative. That means that you\u2019re ruining your own day and hurting your performance\u2026and you might also be burning some office bridges you\u2019ll regret later.<\/p>\n

Remember that \u201chappiness\u201d looks different for everyone<\/strong>. When you\u2019re constantly comparing yourself to the Joneses, you\u2019ll suffer several unintended consequences. First, worrying about how you don\u2019t measure up robs you of your present happiness. Plus, it leaves you unable to think about how you really want your own life to look.<\/p>\n

We talk about the American dream of a house, a pool, two cars in the garage, and the proverbial white picket fence. But the truth is, the same cookie-cutter mold doesn\u2019t work for everybody! The lifestyle that makes your neighbor or your cousin or your dentist happy might not work for you. And if that\u2019s the case, who cares if it\u2019s flashier, more glamorous, or \u2018cooler\u2019? Trust me, when you give yourself permission to live your life on your terms instead of letting others set the bar (and feeling jealous as a result), you might be surprised by how good you already have it.<\/p>\n

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude<\/strong>. Yes, living with an \u201cattitude of gratitude\u201d is a clich\u00e9d concept. But infusing it into your life will also totally change your viewpoint\u2026especially if you have a chronic case of \u201cthe envies.\u201d The fact is, it\u2019s very easy to take things for granted: the information your coworker emailed you, the fact that your car is running, and even the food you\u2019re eating for dinner. Most of us have gotten into the habit of ignoring all of the good things in our lives, and instead, we focus our mental energy on being upset about what\u2019s wrong. But I promise that it can be a true game changer when you reverse the time you spend thinking about each.<\/p>\n

Over the course of my life, I have learned that it\u2019s smarter to thank others because of how they make your life better instead of secretly resenting them because they have something you don\u2019t. And yes, it does take a while to make this change in how you habitually think. To start tapping into the power of gratitude, just say \u201cthanks\u201d to the people who help you out during your day. (You might even work up to writing thank-you notes, as I do.) And beyond that, try to notice all of the blessings in your life. For me, my wonderful wife and extraordinary son top the list, as well as the fact that I finally get to do what I love\u2014help others live happier lives. In time, you\u2019ll start to notice that most of your envy has miraculously left the building.<\/p>\n

Focus on others\u2026but in a different way<\/strong>. If you have an hour or so of free time, you could spend it by trawling Facebook (and maybe watching a reality show that highlights the lifestyles of the rich and famous in the background). At the end of that hour, you\u2019ll probably feel dissatisfied with your own lot in life, if you\u2019re not outright angry at how \u201cgood\u201d other people have it. Or, you could spend your free time helping your kids build a fort in the backyard, using your financial know-how to help a friend set up a much-needed budget, or even volunteering at a local organization that needs an extra pair of hands.<\/p>\n

If you choose the second option, you\u2019ll be a lot happier\u2014guaranteed. Instead of focusing on how much you think your life sucks, focus on how you can use your strengths to help others\u2019 lives be better. It will take the same amount of time but will be so much more uplifting and productive. We all have a choice: We can choose to look to the right and see people who have \u2018more,\u2019 or we can choose to look to the left and see others who aren\u2019t as fortunate\u2026and whom we can tangibly help. I firmly believe that the greatest fulfillment in life comes not from satisfying ourselves, but from helping others.<\/p>\n

Be generous.<\/strong> You\u2019ve heard the saying, \u201cThe more you give, the more you receive.\u201d Well, that goes for happiness, gratitude, help, friendship, and more! When you are generous with these things, you\u2019ll invite them back into your life, too. People who are positive, supportive, and loving experience life very differently from those who are jealous and negative.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s an easy example of what I mean. Say your friend just got engaged, and you\u2019re still looking for your own Mr. (or Ms.) Right. It\u2019s okay to feel a twinge of jealousy at first. But instead of feeding the fire by scowling at a newly posted album of engagement photos and wishing that you too could change your relationship status to \u201cengaged,\u201d call your friend and congratulate her! You\u2019ll have to acknowledge that she didn\u2019t say \u201cyes\u201d with the intention of making you feel bad, and you\u2019ll probably also hang up the phone feeling happy for her.<\/p>\n

Pay more attention to the little things.<\/strong> If you think about it, a lot of us experience envy over the \u201cbig\u201d things: relationships, wealth, career opportunities, vacations, houses, etc. But it\u2019s also true that all of our happiness doesn\u2019t come from, say, getting a new car\u2014a lot of it also comes from a variety of little things that add up.<\/p>\n

Take a few minutes and think about what makes you happy on a day-to-day basis. It might be eating a delicious meal, taking a few minutes to read a chapter in your latest book, or taking a walk with your spouse. Then, make an effort to incorporate those things into your life as often as you can. Think about it this way: You can\u2019t give yourself a promotion at work, but you can definitely get yourself a yummy cup of coffee on your way into the office. When you let the little things make you happy more often, there will be less room for envy to creep in.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t underestimate the insidious power of envy. If you allow it to take root in your life, it will bring you only bitterness, isolation, and disappointment. But the good news is, it really is in your power to take charge of the green-eyed monster. Just remember, if you always try to focus on what is going well in your life, you will feel much more balanced and look back on your life with much less regret. I promise, taking gradual steps to banish jealousy will make you happier each and every day!
\n***************<\/p>\n

Check out Todd Patkin<\/strong><\/a>‘s terrific book about appreciating your own life,\u00a0 Finding Happiness: One Man\u2019s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and\u2014Finally\u2014Let the Sunshine In<\/a><\/strong>.
\n***************<\/p>\n

Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Challenge<\/strong><\/a>–a pledge to do something loving for yourself for the next 31 days–and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts from 2012 HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3134","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3134"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3134\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3142,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3134\/revisions\/3142"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3134"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3134"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3134"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}