{"id":3129,"date":"2012-05-07T12:01:26","date_gmt":"2012-05-07T16:01:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=3129"},"modified":"2012-09-27T10:22:44","modified_gmt":"2012-09-27T14:22:44","slug":"10-erroneous-beliefs-about-being-a-nice-person","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/05\/10-erroneous-beliefs-about-being-a-nice-person.html","title":{"rendered":"10 Erroneous Beliefs About Being a Nice Person"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>A desire to be nice drives many of us to be people pleasers. It can be hard to know where true nice ends and being a DoorMat begins. Many people have great misconceptions of what nice behavior is or they call themselves nice for the wrong reasons. The people pleasing kind of \u201cnice\u201d behavior often makes you unhappy, angry or frustrated when people aren\u2019t \u201cnice\u201d back. When I was a DoorMat, I made everyone more important than me. Looking back, I was rarely happy inside. I took crumbs people threw at me instead of getting what I really wanted.<\/p>\n

Lately \u201cnice\u201d has taken on a bad connotation in general. People equate it with being seen as weak and unattractive. Those who consider themselves \u201cnice\u201d may feel used, taken for granted or unappreciated. And many believe that nice guys finish last. That\u2019s not true! When I recognized the true meaning of nice, I got a lot more and my happiness blossomed. I want to clear up 10 common erroneous beliefs about what nice is and isn\u2019t so that more nice people can finish first. Then you can redefine \u201cnice\u201d in a way that empowers you. Here are 10 common beliefs about being nice that just aren\u2019t true:<\/p>\n

Nice means helping everyone and being agreeable all the time, whether you want to or not<\/strong>. Wrong! Nice does NOT mean doing favors indiscriminately or always being agreeable. There\u2019s a big difference between being a nice person and being a people pleaser. True nice means considerate, respectful, and helping others selectively when it doesn\u2019t hurt or inconvenience you badly. People pleasers try too hard to please, putting everyone before their own well-being or needs. You can be kind and friendly without giving yourself away to everyone who wants something.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not nice to say \u201cno.\u201d <\/strong>Wrong! What\u2019s not nice is to say \u201cno\u201d to what you want in order to say \u201cyes\u201d to others. It\u2019s nice to do favors when you can, not at the expense of your own needs or sacrificing yourself for the sake of everyone. Empowered nice people understand that saying \u201cno\u201d to what you don\u2019t want to do says \u201cyes\u201d to your preferences. And you have a right to that!<\/p>\n

It\u2019s nice to go along with what others want.<\/strong> Wrong! It\u2019s not nice to put what you want to do on the back burner to please others. I used to cancel plans to accommodate others and tried to ignore that nobody did that for me. Good relationships are built on compromising so everyone has their way sometimes. Empowered nice people make their desires known and expect to get them met at least sometimes. It\u2019s nice to have an equal say in what restaurant or movie to go to or other decisions that affect you.<\/p>\n

Nice people should always do what they can to please everyone<\/strong>. Wrong! Hello! That\u2019s not nice! It\u2019s buying friends with favors. It\u2019s not nice when giving is a one-way street and you\u2019re going the wrong way. Empowered nice people help and do favors on an individual basis, depending on what works for you and who the person is. Pleasing people should feel good, not make you feel used or taken for granted. The more you nourish yourself, the more energy you have to give to others.<\/p>\n

God wants me to be as nice as possible to everyone.<\/strong>\u00a0Yes but….. I have a strong spiritual core and believed God wanted me to please everyone. But, I left out the most important person\u2014me! I believe that when you try to be good to everyone, YOU should be included. We often forget ourselves and neglect our needs in pursuit of pleasing others. Spiritual doesn\u2019t mean sacrificing for anyone who wants something while leaving yourself out. God wants you to be good to YOU too!. Find a balance between giving to others and getting your needs met too. Now that I\u2019m no longer a DoorMat, I love to help when possible to be kind, not to score points or have it returned. But I\u2019m nice to me too!<\/p>\n

It\u2019s important to be liked by everyone<\/strong>. Wrong! There\u2019s nothing nice about you being unhappy, no matter how many are happy as a result of your sacrifice. It\u2019s impossible to make everyone like you. And buying people with favors doesn\u2019t mean they like you. They may just like the perks of keeping you around. Empowered nice people know when you\u2019re kind but set boundaries on what you can do, you find out who likes you for you. Those people are the keepers.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s nice to be modest<\/strong>. Wrong! It\u2019s not nice to belittle yourself or negate compliments or avoid sharing what you\u2019re proud of to build others up. Owning your accomplishments increases self-esteem. That doesn\u2019t mean overtly bragging, which does get annoying. Many of us were taught to downplay our victories and shrug off compliments instead of acknowledging them. Empowered nice people know that when you just say \u201cthank you\u201d and nothing more when receiving praise and express pride about your successes and wonderful qualities, confidence increases.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s nicer to keep the peace than to risk an argument<\/strong>. Wrong! Keeping quiet about things that bother you is not nice because it can stir up anger, frustration and other negative emotions that hurt you. Silence tells people that what they\u2019re doing is okay, when it\u2019s not. Empowered nice people know you should and can be heard by speaking your mind in a considerate, friendly and straightforward manner. If you keep your emotions in check and gently explain how you feel, it shouldn\u2019t erupt into an argument.<\/p>\n

Nice people get passed over for romance<\/strong>. Wrong! People pleasers turn people off. Nice people with confidence don’t. People often try to please because they don\u2019t feel good about themselves. Self-proclaimed \u201cnice guys\u201d say they go out of their way to be nice and it doesn\u2019t work. That says you don\u2019t feel good about yourself and screams insecurity. Being with someone who\u2019s bending over backwards to please creates pressure to reciprocate. You\u2019ll come across as attractive if you live up to the true definition of nice. Don\u2019t try so hard to please. Be courteous and confident and you\u2019ll learn that true nice can be attractive!<\/p>\n

Nice people finish last.<\/strong> Wrong! People pleasers who think they\u2019re nice get upset when they feel they don\u2019t get back for all they give and believe they must do a 180 and become tough and aggressive in order to succeed. Empowered nice people know that people pleasing is not nice and you should give when you want to, not because it\u2019s expected or you want something in return. When you\u2019re courteous, respectful, confident and set boundaries for how much you can give, you can be a nice person who finishes first.<\/p>\n

Let go of those erroneous myths about what nice behavior is and do your best to be considerate, friendly, respectful and giving with boundaries. That helps you become an empowered nice person. People will both like you and take you seriously. That allows you to be the best person you can be! And it allows you to be happier because you\u2019ll like the person you are and people will respect you more.
\n***************<\/p>\n

Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Challenge<\/strong><\/a>–a pledge to do something loving for yourself for the next 31 days–and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts from 2012 HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A desire to be nice drives many of us to be people pleasers. It can be hard to know where true nice ends and being a DoorMat begins. Many people have great misconceptions of what nice behavior is or they call themselves nice for the wrong reasons. The people pleasing kind of \u201cnice\u201d behavior often…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,14,2],"tags":[499,44,500],"class_list":["post-3129","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-positive-mental-attitude","category-self-empowerment-confidence","tag-being-nice","tag-doormat-syndrome","tag-nice-people-finish-last"],"yoast_head":"\n10 Erroneous Beliefs About Being a Nice Person - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/05\/10-erroneous-beliefs-about-being-a-nice-person.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"10 Erroneous Beliefs About Being a Nice Person - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"A desire to be nice drives many of us to be people pleasers. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. 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