{"id":311,"date":"2007-10-25T16:32:00","date_gmt":"2007-10-25T16:32:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/more-on-expressing-what-you-want.html"},"modified":"2007-10-25T16:32:00","modified_gmt":"2007-10-25T16:32:00","slug":"more-on-expressing-what-you-want","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/more-on-expressing-what-you-want.html","title":{"rendered":"More on Expressing What You Want"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/a>
I seemed to strike a nerve with my post on Tuesday about separating your thoughts from what you think others want, or what you\u2019ve been in the habit of agreeing to. DoorMats are especially vulnerable to being acquiescent in a subservient way. \u201cWhatever you want\u201d is always on the tips of compulsive People Pleasers\u2019 tongues.<\/span> I wanted to eat where others wanted and see t films they chose.<\/p>\n

Men do it too! In my How to Please a Woman In & Out of Bed<\/a><\/span><\/span> book, I advise that when on a date, don\u2019t tell a woman dating \u201cI\u2019ll go to or do whatever you want.\u201d Even DoorMats get turned off by other DoorMats!<\/span> When I\u2019d date someone who wouldn\u2019t tell me what he liked, always deferring to whatever I wanted, I had to end it. It made him seem too insecure. <\/p>\n

There I was\u2014Ms. Insecurity dumping a guy who smelled of insecurity! How funny is that?!?<\/span><\/p>\n

A person who makes his or her own decisions is attractive. At work it reflects confidence and makes you seem smart. Both sexes like this quality in a romantic partner. I\u2019m not talking about being demanding. Sometimes recovering DoorMats go in the other direction once they feel more empowered, and get aggressive in their approach.<\/span> <\/p>\n

Cheryl came to me for counseling. She\u2019d been taken advantage of for much of her life. After workshops and therapy, she wasn\u2019t going to let anyone every take advantage of her again and expected everyone to give her what she wanted. Cheryl had a sense of entitlement from her growth, which I told her wasn\u2019t fair to others. NO ONE has to give you what you want!<\/span> After recovering from being a DoorMat, she had to recover from being the Anti-DoorMat. <\/p>\n

A middle ground between expressing your preferences and being considerate of what others need works best.<\/span> <\/p>\n

Don\u2019t go to extremes! You don\u2019t ALWAYS have to get your way. Compromise is crucial to have a good relationship with anyone.<\/span> Go where you prefer one time and where your friend prefers the next. Once you get in touch with what would be your first choice if you took no one else into consideration, express your preference and hear the other person\u2019s. Then go with what\u2019s fair to you both. For those folks who make you feel you must always do it their way, find ways to not deal with them! <\/p>\n

A romantic partner isn\u2019t your master. Don\u2019t lose yourself with one! Parents must sometimes be taught that you\u2019re an adult and entitled to do things your way. If friends act like you\u2019ll lose them if you don\u2019t give in to what they want, lose them! People prefer having their way but if they value you in their lives, they can be trained to break the habits of always expecting you to go along with them.<\/span><\/p>\n

You train them by communicating what you want, and showing with actions that your interactions should be a two-way street!<\/span><\/p>\n

Someone commented that she used to always go along with what her boyfriend wanted. He didn\u2019t force her to. She just made his preferences her own. As she stepped out of DoorMatville, she was pleasantly surprised that her guy was happy to hear her express what she preferred. Often we go along with someone when we\u2019re scared of the unknown\u2014the possibility of losing someone by wanting something different than they do.<\/span> In most cases, those who care about you want you to have your desires met too!<\/p>\n

As my confidence got stronger, I began to answer \u201cWhat would YOU like?\u201d questions more honestly. I still clearly remember the first time I told a guy I\u2019d just begun dating that I wasn\u2019t in the mood for Mexican when he suggested we go for it. I said it tentatively, nervous about his reaction. He LOVED it! Said I was the first woman he\u2019d ever dated who expressed a real opinion about what she\u2019d like. He hated always feeling responsible for it and happily suggested we go somewhere else\u2014a restaurant I loved! <\/p>\n

DoorMats learn to eat what others want and do what others like. Empowered people learn that their preferences are worthy of getting satisfied, once they allow themselves to decide what they are. So think before you make choices.<\/span> \u201cWhat do I really want?\u201d And don\u2019t be afraid to express them! The worst that can happen is the other person disagrees. Then you can try to find a compromise.

\"AddThis<\/a> var addthis_pub = ‘wryter’;
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I seemed to strike a nerve with my post on Tuesday about separating your thoughts from what you think others want, or what you\u2019ve been in the habit of agreeing to. DoorMats are especially vulnerable to being acquiescent in a subservient way. \u201cWhatever you want\u201d is always on the tips of compulsive People Pleasers\u2019 tongues.…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-311","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first"],"yoast_head":"\nMore on Expressing What You Want - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/more-on-expressing-what-you-want.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"More on Expressing What You Want - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I seemed to strike a nerve with my post on Tuesday about separating your thoughts from what you think others want, or what you\u2019ve been in the habit of agreeing to. DoorMats are especially vulnerable to being acquiescent in a subservient way. \u201cWhatever you want\u201d is always on the tips of compulsive People Pleasers\u2019 tongues.…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/more-on-expressing-what-you-want.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2007-10-25T16:32:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/RyECfCeflhI\/AAAAAAAAAEo\/5dGwo3Dw4dE\/s200\/mannequinCN_6114.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Daylle Deanna Schwartz\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"More on Expressing What You Want - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/more-on-expressing-what-you-want.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"More on Expressing What You Want - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","og_description":"I seemed to strike a nerve with my post on Tuesday about separating your thoughts from what you think others want, or what you\u2019ve been in the habit of agreeing to. DoorMats are especially vulnerable to being acquiescent in a subservient way. \u201cWhatever you want\u201d is always on the tips of compulsive People Pleasers\u2019 tongues.…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/more-on-expressing-what-you-want.html","og_site_name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","article_published_time":"2007-10-25T16:32:00+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/RyECfCeflhI\/AAAAAAAAAEo\/5dGwo3Dw4dE\/s200\/mannequinCN_6114.jpg"}],"author":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/more-on-expressing-what-you-want.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/more-on-expressing-what-you-want.html","name":"More on Expressing What You Want - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/more-on-expressing-what-you-want.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/more-on-expressing-what-you-want.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/RyECfCeflhI\/AAAAAAAAAEo\/5dGwo3Dw4dE\/s200\/mannequinCN_6114.jpg","datePublished":"2007-10-25T16:32:00+00:00","dateModified":"2007-10-25T16:32:00+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/more-on-expressing-what-you-want.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/more-on-expressing-what-you-want.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/more-on-expressing-what-you-want.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/RyECfCeflhI\/AAAAAAAAAEo\/5dGwo3Dw4dE\/s200\/mannequinCN_6114.jpg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/RyECfCeflhI\/AAAAAAAAAEo\/5dGwo3Dw4dE\/s200\/mannequinCN_6114.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/more-on-expressing-what-you-want.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"More on Expressing What You Want"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/","name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","description":"Beliefnet Voices - Daylle Deanna Schwartz","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35","name":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","caption":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz"},"description":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz is a speaker, self-empowerment counselor, best-selling author of 15 books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill), All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise and founder of The Self-Love Movement\u2122 where she's giving away her 13th book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/311","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=311"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/311\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=311"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=311"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=311"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}