{"id":310,"date":"2007-10-23T12:48:00","date_gmt":"2007-10-23T12:48:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/what-do-you-really-want.html"},"modified":"2007-10-23T12:48:00","modified_gmt":"2007-10-23T12:48:00","slug":"what-do-you-really-want","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2007\/10\/what-do-you-really-want.html","title":{"rendered":"What Do You Really Want?"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/a>
I was just talking to a music producer who said that when a new client comes in, the first thing he asks is \u201cWhat exactly do you want?\u201d Musicians are often surprised that he asks, and even more surprise when they can\u2019t quite articulate an answer. It\u2019s so easy to lose your own opinion and needs when you\u2019re used to someone guiding you in certain situations.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a pretty outspoken chick these days but realized I do it too. That\u2019s why I call myself a recovering Doormat instead of a recovered one. We all want to be liked and to please those we care about. And it\u2019s fine to do things to please them. But you need to become more aware of not letting it become a habit that sells your needs short. I have to stay conscious of not automatically deferring to someone else. Just like I have to be conscious of what I eat, I must be careful about not letting others influence my decisions in ways I\u2019ll later regret.<\/p>\n

Without being aware, you can get into a habit of not thinking for yourself.<\/span><\/p>\n

It can start innocently\u2014doing things the way mom wants to appease her, deferring to someone who\u2019s more experienced, or getting into patterns in a relationship in situations that your partner takes charge of early on. It\u2019s not necessarily bad. Sometimes other people can make better decisions about something you don\u2019t know enough about. Or care about. <\/p>\n

But it also sells your ability to do, or learn how to do something short!<\/span><\/p>\n

DoorMats rarely think for themselves. They let others dictate their choices and tell them what they should want. Falling into the \u201cwhatever you want\u201d trap is especially common in relationships if you\u2019re insecure. In my DoorMat days, I went along with whatever my guy wanted and lost track of my real preferences as I made his mine. When I took a few steps forward, it was hard to even know what to choose. I had to free my mind in order to figure out what I wanted, without influence from others.

Knowing what you want and asking for it is very empowering!<\/span><\/p>\n

Yet we often don\u2019t realize that we still follow in some situations until we\u2019re asked, \u201cwhat do you really want?\u201d The aforementioned producer said musicians are used to being guided without realizing it<\/span>. Having done recording when I had a record label, I remember how opinionated producers and recording. engineers can be. I worked with some who were downright know-it-alls. They insisted on telling me how to do my recordings. It was hard to hold my own when someone more experienced was resolute that he knew better than me.<\/span> I went along with what they insisted on. And I didn\u2019t get what deep down I knew I wanted. It made me angry!<\/p>\n

Until I took some time to figure out what I did want, and took a firm stand with those who disagreed.<\/span><\/p>\n

Talking to the producer made me realize why I\u2019ve been having such a hard time deciding how I want my new website. When I first started out writing music business books, an industry guy offered to make me a site for free. It was 1997 and I was an Internet newbie, and low on funds. So the offer of a free website was wonderful. He designed it and I was grateful.<\/p>\n

A few years ago, a good friend decided to build me a new site for Christmas. I\u2019d outgrown the first one and needed something better. He was sure he knew what I wanted and implemented it.<\/span> I tried to assert myself more but he\u2019d already done a lot of work. When I tried to tell him what I\u2019d like changed but he got defensive so I let it go and just accepted his vision. Freebies can come with a cost! I do like it. But it wasn\u2019t what I\u2019d have chosen. <\/p>\n

Now, someone else has offered me a new site because he appreciates how much he got out of my recent workshop. He put a template together as a sample to work from and sent it to me. It was okay but wasn\u2019t me. I put off responding for two weeks as I tried to figure out what to say to another person who was building my site as a favor. I felt blocked, knowing I wanted something different but unable to figure out what. I finally told him\u2014gently\u2014that it wasn\u2019t me and I was struggling with it.<\/p>\n

He immediately said it was NO problem if I disagreed and he wanted this to be 1,000% me. Free at last!<\/span><\/p>\n

Once Pat reassured that he wanted it MY way, the floodgates opened. What an amazing feeling. Until then, I hadn\u2019t felt permission to really think outside of what was given to me. I was so used to being told how my website should be that I couldn\u2019t visualize beyond what I saw. Once given permission to say what I liked and didn\u2019t like, my creative juices took over.<\/span> My blocks dissolved as I got excited about having a website that truly represented me and what I do. <\/p>\n

It\u2019s hard to know what you really want. When you\u2019re used to pleasing everyone, thoughts go through your head, sometimes subconsciously\u2014\u201cwhat do I want, or what do I think the person I want to please wants me to want.\u201d It can screw up decision making big-time!<\/span> But you CAN break the habit of thinking in someone else\u2019s box!<\/span><\/p>\n

* Accept that you might have a habit of letting others influence decisions you\u2019d rather make for yourself.<\/span> Awareness is the beginning of any change. Habits, especially those you do subconsciously, need to be identified before they can be broken.<\/p>\n

* Don\u2019t beat yourself up for having that habit.<\/span> It\u2019s normal to do create patterns that allow others to guide you. We all do it. Forgive yourself if necessary and be grateful you learned this. Some never do! <\/p>\n

* Don\u2019t make snap decisions.<\/span> Those are the ones you more likely make out of habit. If you think a little first, you might catch yourself gravitating to someone else\u2019s point of view. <\/p>\n

* Think about past decisions and who might have influenced them.<\/span> Write them down. Ask yourself which ones you completely agreed with and figure out who may really have more knowledge or a better perspective that you can go to for future input. <\/p>\n

* Think in terms of input rather than the final word.<\/span> It\u2019s good to take into consideration what others think. None of us know everything. Practice absorbing what others say and making decisions after reflecting on what others think. Their way might turn out to be the best for you.<\/p>\n

* Ask yourself, \u201cwhat do I want?\u201d<\/span> Turn off decision-making autopilot! Really push the boundaries of thinking to figure out your own heart\u2019s choices. Give yourself time and permission to explore possibilities. <\/p>\n

It\u2019s lovely to realize that all decisions are in your hands. The first time I ignored what I was being strongly advised to do, I felt a rush of joy. MY way. I wanted MY way. And I got it by deciding to have it! Now I can\u2019t wait to see the end result of my new website. MY way! Empower yourself by getting into the habit of thinking for yourself. It\u2019s a loving act that will make you want more!<\/span><\/p>\n

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I was just talking to a music producer who said that when a new client comes in, the first thing he asks is \u201cWhat exactly do you want?\u201d Musicians are often surprised that he asks, and even more surprise when they can\u2019t quite articulate an answer. 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