{"id":267,"date":"2008-01-18T19:05:00","date_gmt":"2008-01-18T19:05:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/01\/i-insist-you-understand.html"},"modified":"2008-01-18T19:05:00","modified_gmt":"2008-01-18T19:05:00","slug":"i-insist-you-understand","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/01\/i-insist-you-understand.html","title":{"rendered":"I Insist You Understand!"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/a>
<\/a>
I got a large response for my post that addressed how compassion can help you temper the buckets of anger we often have when someone does us wrong. It\u2019s<\/span> a great anger-buster! But developing it also manifests many more blessings. It also helps you to be tolerant of others. As I said earlier, compassion allows you to deal with someone by understanding and acknowledging the person is hurting him or herself more. Situations that create anger are usually very emotional. <\/p>\n

But compassion can also serve you well in situations that make you frustrated or at times when someone you care about is doing annoying things you don\u2019t understand.<\/span> <\/p>\n

Developing it can help you refrain from being judgmental about what someone is saying or doing or asking. Have you ever tried to get someone to see your way and they just don\u2019t? Do you try again and again to no avail? You KNOW you\u2019re being clear, yet you also know the person isn\u2019t getting it. That can be very frustrating. Often the problem is someone\u2019s inability to see any way but their own. You might do that too. Believing you\u2019re right about something closes you off to being objective about someone else\u2019s response or needs. <\/p>\n

We often only see one way\u2014our own. Frustration with not getting your point across is often also a need to make YOUR view the RIGHT one or to change the person\u2019s view to YOURS.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m very guilty of this. I admit to sometimes being a know-it-all about some topics and at times have gotten crazy when I try to help someone by telling them what to do and they refuse to see I\u2019m right. It seems so obvious that my suggestion would solve their problem! I used to get aggravated in these situations. Now I accept\u2014with compassion\u2014that they have issues that keep them from taking healthier action<\/span>. I no longer want to wring necks or shake people up. Instead, I try to understand.<\/p>\n

The history that often gets you into bad situations can also keep you from taking appropriate action.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I was a DoorMat, I was refused to take advice. Friends pushed me to say no to what ended up annoying me, and to blow off guys who didn\u2019t treat me properly. I endured sarcasm, broken promises, punishment for all sorts of issues that I wasn\u2019t responsible for. But I\u2019d hang in, making excuses because I was scared of being alone.<\/span> Friends insisted I take action. But I ignored them. I did know what they said was true, just as the person you might be trying to help knows, at least deep down. <\/p>\n

But when you\u2019re hurting, you look for the easiest way to momentarily ease the pain instead of taking long-term action<\/span>. <\/p>\n

People stay in abusive relationships, making excuses for their physical beatings or verbal tongue-lashings, while friends scratch their heads trying to figure out why. When you feel unworthy of love, you stay in unloving situations and don\u2019t speak up to people that hurt you. It sounds lame but many people (I was one) are scared to take action and lose the person who hurts them.<\/span> Since I\u2019ve walked in those shoes, I can now show compassion instead of trying to push others to do what I accept they\u2019re not ready to. <\/p>\n

You can give love and support while stepping back from someone doing what you know they shouldn\u2019t.<\/span> You can\u2019t convince them you\u2019re right if their minds are closed by their limitations.<\/p>\n

Understanding the other person\u2019s situation is a key to developing compassion. You don\u2019t need to agree with the person to have it. But it helps to temper anger or frustration at someone\u2019s actions or reactions to you. This works especially well in romantic relationships. Men and women tend to think, communicate and respond to situations differently. That doesn\u2019t make either right or wrong but it does cause problems if we treat the other person like he or she is wrong. <\/p>\n

When you recognize where behavior comes from, you can step into the other person\u2019s shoes and feel compassion for their annoying behavior, instead of getting angry or frustrated.<\/span> This understanding and compassion can allow you to tolerate more and have less negative emotions about it. You still may not like it but it won\u2019t irritate you so much. That helps you find the compassion to develop alternative responses.<\/p>\n

Compassion and understanding can create peace instead of always feeling at war with a family member, romantic partner, friend, colleague\u2019s, etc. with expectations, responses, and style that seems counterproductive, silly, or irrational.<\/span><\/p>\n

For example, in my book How to Please a Woman In & Out of Bed<\/a><\/span>, I try to provide men with the reasons behind some behavior they find so annoying in women. Then can respond with compassion instead of annoyance or labeling a chick with a negative term.<\/span> I\u2019ve heard from many men who thanked me for explaining how much pressure we have to look or act perfect, which leads to needing so much positive reinforcement or asking those dumb\u2014\u201cDo I look fat?\u201d questions\u2014for which there seem to be no right answer. <\/p>\n

MANY people don\u2019t know how to express their needs so they do a little dance around it, hoping you\u2019ll figure it out. Women get insecure over the messages given about our bodies. Yet it\u2019s hard to directly ask for positive reinforcement so they may come across as being too needy. Many men need to feel needed, useful, which may come across as being controlling. EVERYONE has reasons for their behavior.<\/span> When you try to find them, you might be able to have the compassion to find more effective ways to get along.<\/p>\n

In my book I ask men to step into a woman\u2019s shoes to grasp how body image in the media and expectations for looking very good can make women a woman question whether she\u2019s good enough.<\/span><\/p>\n

The biggest factor that kept me living as a DoorMat was feeling that my body was never good enough. I went to the extremes that women commonly go to\u2014if you\u2019re not perfectly thin, you\u2019re fat. Yet there are reasons why we feel this way. Spelling them out in my book helped many men understand what women need, and why. That helps them do what will get the most mileage with their chickies. The key is having compassion for why women need certain things.
<\/span>
Sometimes you may refuse to cooperate with someone because you just don\u2019t understand why they need certain things. Having compassion allows you to satisfy some of the needs you don\u2019t understand but can do without a big effort. It\u2019s better than fighting or walking around angry.<\/span> Co
\nmpassion for a woman\u2019s insecurity allows for kinder responses that actually work. Compassion for a man\u2019s needs to feel in control allows you to let him take the reins a little without an argument.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t insist someone understand your point. Okay, you can try but it will probably make them even less receptive to what you think. It\u2019s better to try to understand why he or she is stuck in old ways or negative patterns and accept it.<\/span> You don\u2019t have to like it but it\u2019s the way it is. When a woman insists that her guy think or act a certain way, it often turns him in the other direction and the invisible cotton goes in his ears for future discussions. Instead, have compassion for the person\u2019s inability to change right now. <\/p>\n

Compassion allows to you agree to disagree. I highly recommend it!<\/span><\/p>\n

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and\/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon. Thanks!

\"AddThis<\/a> var addthis_pub = ‘wryter’;
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I got a large response for my post that addressed how compassion can help you temper the buckets of anger we often have when someone does us wrong. It\u2019s a great anger-buster! But developing it also manifests many more blessings. It also helps you to be tolerant of others. As I said earlier, compassion allows…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-267","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first"],"yoast_head":"\nI Insist You Understand! - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/01\/i-insist-you-understand.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"I Insist You Understand! - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I got a large response for my post that addressed how compassion can help you temper the buckets of anger we often have when someone does us wrong. It\u2019s a great anger-buster! But developing it also manifests many more blessings. It also helps you to be tolerant of others. As I said earlier, compassion allows…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/01\/i-insist-you-understand.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2008-01-18T19:05:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/R5FG_l0xevI\/AAAAAAAAALA\/zj-kzp-_JAg\/s200\/screaming_mouth_open.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Daylle Deanna Schwartz\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"I Insist You Understand! - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/01\/i-insist-you-understand.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"I Insist You Understand! - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","og_description":"I got a large response for my post that addressed how compassion can help you temper the buckets of anger we often have when someone does us wrong. It\u2019s a great anger-buster! But developing it also manifests many more blessings. It also helps you to be tolerant of others. As I said earlier, compassion allows…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/01\/i-insist-you-understand.html","og_site_name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","article_published_time":"2008-01-18T19:05:00+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/R5FG_l0xevI\/AAAAAAAAALA\/zj-kzp-_JAg\/s200\/screaming_mouth_open.jpg"}],"author":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/01\/i-insist-you-understand.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/01\/i-insist-you-understand.html","name":"I Insist You Understand! - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/01\/i-insist-you-understand.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/01\/i-insist-you-understand.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/R5FG_l0xevI\/AAAAAAAAALA\/zj-kzp-_JAg\/s200\/screaming_mouth_open.jpg","datePublished":"2008-01-18T19:05:00+00:00","dateModified":"2008-01-18T19:05:00+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/01\/i-insist-you-understand.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/01\/i-insist-you-understand.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/01\/i-insist-you-understand.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/R5FG_l0xevI\/AAAAAAAAALA\/zj-kzp-_JAg\/s200\/screaming_mouth_open.jpg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/3.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/R5FG_l0xevI\/AAAAAAAAALA\/zj-kzp-_JAg\/s200\/screaming_mouth_open.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/01\/i-insist-you-understand.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"I Insist You Understand!"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/","name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","description":"Beliefnet Voices - Daylle Deanna Schwartz","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35","name":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","caption":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz"},"description":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz is a speaker, self-empowerment counselor, best-selling author of 15 books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill), All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise and founder of The Self-Love Movement\u2122 where she's giving away her 13th book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/267","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=267"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/267\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=267"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=267"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=267"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}