{"id":258,"date":"2008-02-29T23:30:00","date_gmt":"2008-02-29T23:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/02\/lightening-guiltpart-1.html"},"modified":"2008-02-29T23:30:00","modified_gmt":"2008-02-29T23:30:00","slug":"lightening-guiltpart-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/02\/lightening-guiltpart-1.html","title":{"rendered":"Lightening Guilt\u2014Part 1"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/a>
A reader wrote to ask me about guilt. She told me the story of how when her husband began to drink too much, she lost her desire for sex. He continued drinking heavily and she withdrew more. Then she discovered his \u201cfriendship\u201d with another woman and demanded he end it. He refused and it eventually ended their marriage. <\/p>\n

Now remember the sequence\u2014he drinks too much<\/span>, she withdraws because of the drinking, he cheats and blames her for him turning to another woman, static leads to divorce. And she\u2019s guilty!<\/span><\/p>\n

Hello! His drinking was the first thing that initiated the sequence.<\/span> She took the blame because he\u2019d complained about not having enough sex, while his escalating drinking caused her lack of interest. Now she\u2019s divorced and struggling with mounting debt as she tries to raise her two kids alone. Guilt made her assume responsibility for debts that her ex-husband was responsible for. <\/p>\n

As she tries to take control of her life, he continues to hurl guilt bombs at her.<\/span><\/p>\n

Guilt is a big happiness buster.<\/span> We all feel it at least sometimes. Your mom or romantic partner may be especially good at making you take responsibility for what they don\u2019t like. But if you accept it, guilt can eat at you like rust on metal.<\/span> At first, rust discolors but eventually it breaks down the surface. If it\u2019s allowed to continue, it spreads and makes holes. Guilt does that to your happiness and self-esteem when you let others control what\u2019s right or wrong with you or your behavior. Then you feel unworthy to receive all of life\u2019s goodies. <\/p>\n

Yet most guilt is unnecessary and unfair to you! Let\u2019s put it into perspective.<\/span> <\/p>\n

There\u2019s no need to let guilt pervade your life! Happiness can\u2019t thrive amidst guilty feelings. In my DoorMat days, saying \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d was more frequent than saying hello. I rarely knew what I\u2019d done wrong but if something didn\u2019t go right or someone didn\u2019t like my choice or behavior, I figured it was my fault. Many of us are conditioned to feel responsible for the displeasure of others. <\/p>\n

If we don\u2019t live up to standards that are often too high, we beat ourselves up with guilt.<\/span><\/p>\n

Women are \u201csupposed to\u201d nurture everyone and fix problems in a relationship. If your guy treats you wrong, do you believe you must deserve it? NOT! Guys are \u201csupposed to\u201d be providers and earn enough money for his family\u2019s needs. Do feel it\u2019s expected that you protect your family, know how to fix things and handle every situation well? If you don\u2019t make enough money or you make a mistake, does guilt make you feel like a failure? NOT!<\/p>\n

Being human, which you are, makes you imperfect<\/span>. And not being able to live up to roles or making a mistake (or three) isn\u2019t a good reason to beat yourself with guilt. Yes, just accepting responsibility for something gone badly hurts you. Feeling wrong never feels good. If you purposely hurt someone, it might be warranted for a limited time. But some of us live guilty as a lifestyle.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s hard to be happy if you live in a constant state of doing wrong.<\/span> <\/p>\n

Be careful. Guilt is often used to manipulate. Someone wants something and blames you for her unhappiness or his failure so you\u2019ll do what they want. Some moms are pros at laying on the guilt to keep us jumping. But friends, co-workers and lovers also use it for their benefit. If you\u2019re not enlightened, you may give in to soothe bad feelings as you wonder what you did wrong. <\/p>\n

If you want to be self-empowered, and happy, be fair about whether guilt is necessary.<\/span> <\/p>\n

Feeling it often reflects that what someone else thinks is more important than your own perception. Why let her make you guilty for saying \u201cno\u201d because you\u2019re busy? Why allow guilt to be dumped on you for doing something reasonable that he doesn\u2019t like? You don\u2019t have to accept what someone decides you should or shouldn\u2019t do. You\u2019re responsible for you just as others are responsible for their choices.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s your choice to accept guilt if you did nothing wrong or said \u201cno\u201d to something not right for you. Why let other people\u2019s opinions override yours? Why punish yourself for not being perfect? Why let guilt dilute your happiness if it\u2019s not your fault? Reframe the thought that creates guilt into a fair perspective about your role in what makes you feel guilty.<\/span> For example:<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cI feel guilty not helping her.\u201d can be<\/span> \u201cI\u2019m sorry I couldn\u2019t help but I have no time.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cI let my buddy down\u201d can be<\/span> \u201cI can only be in one place at a time and while I wanted to be there for my buddy, I had to be there for myself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cI wasn\u2019t able to give him what he needed\u201d can be<\/span> \u201cI can only do my best.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cI broke her heart\u201d can be<\/span> \u201cThere\u2019s no easy way to break up with someone but I had to do it and wish I didn\u2019t have to hurt her in the process but that\u2019s life.\u201d<\/p>\n

In my reader\u2019s case, she allowed her guilt about not giving into her drunken husband\u2019s need for more sex to color her perception about everything else. She ended her email with:<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, I guess the guilt stemmed from 2 issues really. 1) The guilt from not having the money to pay the (OUR) bills. and 2) Having made the kids fatherless (his words). I still don’t understand why if we are not married (or together) they have no daddy.\u201d<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t believe that! I think the original source of guilt comes from not giving him enough sex. Then she carried it over to feeling guilty about her marriage ending, not crediting his drinking or infidelity. Mind you, I don\u2019t know every detail. But I do know how guilt can skew our outlook and make us take on other things to be guilty about<\/span>. As she said:<\/p>\n

\u201c1) The guilt from not having the money to pay the (OUR) bills.\u201d<\/p>\n

She took on bills that he should have contributed money to and now is guilty about not paying them. Hello! Guilt is a seed that sprouts into more guilt and clouds your view.<\/span> My reader chose to pay the bills, I believe, out of guilt. Now she\u2019s guilty that she can\u2019t keep up with them. More guilt! It can stop by facing that your guilt is NOT warranted!<\/p>\n

And \u201c2) Having made the kids fatherless (his words). I still don’t understand why if we are not married (or together) they have no daddy.\u201d<\/p>\n

She doesn\u2019t understand why he considers his kids fatherless just because they\u2019re divorced, yet she feels guilty about it. This is all guilt by acceptance. The reader is accepting blame for what her husband claims is the reality, which it isn\u2019t. Her kids have a father. HE has chosen to see them as fatherless. Again, letting this make you guilty is letting someone else choose your perception of what\u2019s your fault and what\u2019s not<\/span>. <\/p>\n

No one MAKES you feel guilty. You make yourself feel gu
\nilt.<\/span> It\u2019s YOUR choice to accept the view of someone else, or trust your own instincts. And it\u2019s YOUR choice to say NO MORE<\/span>. Personally, I would get turned off if my guy came home every night sloshed. Drinking too much indicates a problem, which I bet my reader didn\u2019t cause. So to me, the guilt should rest with him, as that\u2019s where the problem began. To my reader, and anyone else carrying around guilt that hurts your lives\u2014–go to the mirror and say, \u201cNO MORE GUILT!\u201d and then add, \u201cI love you and will take better care of you.\u201d And do your best to be good to yourself.
<\/span>
On Monday I\u2019ll post more about how to deal with guilt. Stay tuned! <\/p>\n

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and\/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon. Thanks!

\"AddThis<\/a> var addthis_pub = ‘wryter’;
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A reader wrote to ask me about guilt. She told me the story of how when her husband began to drink too much, she lost her desire for sex. He continued drinking heavily and she withdrew more. Then she discovered his \u201cfriendship\u201d with another woman and demanded he end it. He refused and it eventually…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-258","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first"],"yoast_head":"\nLightening Guilt\u2014Part 1 - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/02\/lightening-guiltpart-1.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Lightening Guilt\u2014Part 1 - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"A reader wrote to ask me about guilt. She told me the story of how when her husband began to drink too much, she lost her desire for sex. He continued drinking heavily and she withdrew more. Then she discovered his \u201cfriendship\u201d with another woman and demanded he end it. He refused and it eventually…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/02\/lightening-guiltpart-1.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2008-02-29T23:30:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/R8jcKUtpmUI\/AAAAAAAAAN0\/ERQA8t90WZE\/s200\/guilt.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Daylle Deanna Schwartz\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Lightening Guilt\u2014Part 1 - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/02\/lightening-guiltpart-1.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Lightening Guilt\u2014Part 1 - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","og_description":"A reader wrote to ask me about guilt. She told me the story of how when her husband began to drink too much, she lost her desire for sex. He continued drinking heavily and she withdrew more. Then she discovered his \u201cfriendship\u201d with another woman and demanded he end it. He refused and it eventually…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/02\/lightening-guiltpart-1.html","og_site_name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","article_published_time":"2008-02-29T23:30:00+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/R8jcKUtpmUI\/AAAAAAAAAN0\/ERQA8t90WZE\/s200\/guilt.jpg"}],"author":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/02\/lightening-guiltpart-1.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/02\/lightening-guiltpart-1.html","name":"Lightening Guilt\u2014Part 1 - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/02\/lightening-guiltpart-1.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/02\/lightening-guiltpart-1.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/R8jcKUtpmUI\/AAAAAAAAAN0\/ERQA8t90WZE\/s200\/guilt.jpg","datePublished":"2008-02-29T23:30:00+00:00","dateModified":"2008-02-29T23:30:00+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/02\/lightening-guiltpart-1.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/02\/lightening-guiltpart-1.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/02\/lightening-guiltpart-1.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/R8jcKUtpmUI\/AAAAAAAAAN0\/ERQA8t90WZE\/s200\/guilt.jpg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/1.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/R8jcKUtpmUI\/AAAAAAAAAN0\/ERQA8t90WZE\/s200\/guilt.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/02\/lightening-guiltpart-1.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Lightening Guilt\u2014Part 1"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/","name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","description":"Beliefnet Voices - Daylle Deanna Schwartz","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35","name":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","caption":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz"},"description":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz is a speaker, self-empowerment counselor, best-selling author of 15 books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill), All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise and founder of The Self-Love Movement\u2122 where she's giving away her 13th book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/258","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=258"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/258\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=258"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=258"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=258"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}