{"id":253,"date":"2008-03-04T12:19:00","date_gmt":"2008-03-04T12:19:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/03\/lightening-guiltpart-2.html"},"modified":"2008-03-04T12:19:00","modified_gmt":"2008-03-04T12:19:00","slug":"lightening-guiltpart-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/03\/lightening-guiltpart-2.html","title":{"rendered":"Lightening Guilt\u2014Part 2"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/a>
On Friday I posted a response to a reader who asked for help with managing her guilt. She\u2019s feeling guilty about the fallout from her divorce. Yet her husband drank heavily and refused to give up his contact with a woman he\u2019d become very close to. When I was a DoorMat I lived with lots of guilt. The few times I turned down requests for my help, guilty feelings pervaded my existence. <\/p>\n

After my divorce I had a boyfriend who blamed me for all the wrong HE did. It was MY fault<\/span> when he misinterpreted things I said that were clear and full of loving intentions. It was MY fault<\/span> that he didn\u2019t show up when he said he would. He had many problems that were beyond my control and were there long before he met me. I knew that on a rational level. But insecurity makes the nicest of us irrational. <\/p>\n

I\u2019d apologize profusely while a voice in the back of my head asked why? I\u2019d done nothing wrong!<\/span><\/p>\n

In retrospect, I see that my insecurity pushed me to be perfect, which is impossible to be. Yet I gave it the ol\u2019 DoorMat shot, especially with my guy. I was afraid to lose the good stuff I thought we had. He was hot! Cute, great body, and amazing under the sheets. My need to please and be perfect made me try to fix situations that I didn\u2019t break.<\/span> Perhaps my guilty reader feels the same way. Developing better self-esteem woke me up. <\/p>\n

Stomping out guilt requires assessing what you did that makes you guilty\u2014in a way that\u2019s fair to you!<\/span> It also requires ACCEPTING that you can only be responsible for your own behavior. <\/p>\n

That\u2019s hard for many of us! The ingrained desire to please creates guilt habits.<\/span> People like to blame their bad behavior or troubles on others. Some ACT as if they like you better if you accept the guilt they throw on you! But their behavior is NOT your fault. Some men blame their abusive conduct on the women they hurt. \u201cIf YOU hadn\u2019t done this or that, I wouldn\u2019t have to hit you.\u201d NO ONE has the right to abuse anyone, physically or mentally! Or blame you for what is really their fault.

So what\u2019s a guilty girl or guy to do?? Stop accepting guilt carte blanche!<\/span> <\/p>\n

It\u2019s hard to break guilt habits, but you can. It\u2019s YOUR choice to let guilt ruin your day so practice choosing not to!<\/span> If someone blames their troubles or unhappiness on you, do you reassure yourself or wallow in bad feelings, even if you don\u2019t understand how you\u2019re responsible? Consciously evaluate whatever makes you feel guilty, let go of thinking about what you get for taking blame or how the person will like you more, and objectively decide if you realistically deserve it. <\/p>\n

Not giving someone their way when you have no obligation to isn\u2019t wrong, unless what they think is more important to you than your view.<\/span> <\/p>\n

Be honest about whether or not guilt is warranted. Pay attention to what triggers it and change your perception of the situation. If someone tries to instill guilt, remember that you\u2019re a good person who can\u2019t do it all. Guilt is self-punishment. Love yourself enough to skip that! If you feel guilt brewing, ask yourself<\/span>:<\/p>\n

\u2022 Did I purposely hurt them?<\/span> If the answer is no, assess why you feel so guilty. Not jumping when someone wants something from you doesn\u2019t make you wrong or bad. <\/p>\n

\u2022 Was what I did in my best interest?<\/span> Often people would prefer you do what\u2019s in their best interest. But that doesn\u2019t make you wrong when you take care of you.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Did I try my best? If that wasn\u2019t enough to satisfy someone, oh well!<\/span> That\u2019s all you can do. And you shouldn\u2019t feel guilty if you can\u2019t be what others would like you to be.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Was I truly wrong or is someone trying to make me feel that way?<\/span> I\u2019ve found selfish people are first to call others selfish \u2013 to guilt them into giving in to their requests. Be objective instead of worrying so much. Not doing it his\/her way doesn\u2019t call for guilt. <\/p>\n

\u2022 Have I done something that warrants ruining my day with guilt?<\/span> Did you commit a crime? Screw someone over? If your intentions were good and you accept you can\u2019t be everything to everyone, there\u2019s no need to suffer for not being perfect in someone else\u2019s eyes. Guilt won\u2019t make the person more satisfied or undo a situation, so move on from it!<\/p>\n

When you forget to do something, don\u2019t have time to help a friend, say something inappropriate, or do anything that brings on the ol\u2019 guilt vibes, put it into perspective<\/span>:<\/p>\n

\u2022 Feel bad it happened for the moment.
\u2022 Apologize if necessary.
\u2022 Forgive yourself for being human.
\u2022 Let it go. <\/p>\n

When I left DoorMatville, I also cut back dramatically on guilt. If I do something I think was wrong, I apologize and it\u2019s over. I know I\u2019m a good person who doesn\u2019t purposely try to hurt others. Sometimes we goof or have less than stellar judgment. That doesn\u2019t make you a bad person. Now when someone tries to put blame on me for something I know I wasn\u2019t responsible for, I refuse to feel guilty. I\u2019ve actually asked, \u201cWhy do you think I should feel guilty when you\u2026.?\u201d If I accidentally do something wrong, I apologize but refuse further punishment. <\/p>\n

I won\u2019t give someone the power over my joy anymore.<\/span> DoorMat days are over! <\/p>\n

You can\u2019t be everything for everyone, including yourself. Stopping guilt in its tracks is a loving act that makes your perception most important.<\/span> If you can\u2019t see how you\u2019re at fault, affirm, \u201cI did nothing wrong and shouldn\u2019t feel guilty.\u201d As you trust your judgment more, you\u2019ll have fewer reasons to go there. Accept that you\u2019re a good person and don\u2019t owe everybody what they\u2019d like. Forgive your mistakes. <\/p>\n

Let guilt take a back seat to self-love.<\/span> That keeps you keeps your happiness factor at a smiling kind of level.<\/p>\n

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and\/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

\"AddThis<\/a> var addthis_pub = ‘wryter’;
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On Friday I posted a response to a reader who asked for help with managing her guilt. She\u2019s feeling guilty about the fallout from her divorce. Yet her husband drank heavily and refused to give up his contact with a woman he\u2019d become very close to. When I was a DoorMat I lived with lots…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-253","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first"],"yoast_head":"\nLightening Guilt\u2014Part 2 - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/03\/lightening-guiltpart-2.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Lightening Guilt\u2014Part 2 - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"On Friday I posted a response to a reader who asked for help with managing her guilt. She\u2019s feeling guilty about the fallout from her divorce. Yet her husband drank heavily and refused to give up his contact with a woman he\u2019d become very close to. When I was a DoorMat I lived with lots…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/03\/lightening-guiltpart-2.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2008-03-04T12:19:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/R82GbVBpcUI\/AAAAAAAAAN8\/neh5GQvipRk\/s200\/MF_6132.JPG\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Daylle Deanna Schwartz\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Lightening Guilt\u2014Part 2 - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/03\/lightening-guiltpart-2.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Lightening Guilt\u2014Part 2 - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","og_description":"On Friday I posted a response to a reader who asked for help with managing her guilt. She\u2019s feeling guilty about the fallout from her divorce. Yet her husband drank heavily and refused to give up his contact with a woman he\u2019d become very close to. When I was a DoorMat I lived with lots…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/03\/lightening-guiltpart-2.html","og_site_name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","article_published_time":"2008-03-04T12:19:00+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/R82GbVBpcUI\/AAAAAAAAAN8\/neh5GQvipRk\/s200\/MF_6132.JPG"}],"author":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/03\/lightening-guiltpart-2.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/03\/lightening-guiltpart-2.html","name":"Lightening Guilt\u2014Part 2 - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/03\/lightening-guiltpart-2.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/03\/lightening-guiltpart-2.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/R82GbVBpcUI\/AAAAAAAAAN8\/neh5GQvipRk\/s200\/MF_6132.JPG","datePublished":"2008-03-04T12:19:00+00:00","dateModified":"2008-03-04T12:19:00+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/03\/lightening-guiltpart-2.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/03\/lightening-guiltpart-2.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/03\/lightening-guiltpart-2.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/R82GbVBpcUI\/AAAAAAAAAN8\/neh5GQvipRk\/s200\/MF_6132.JPG","contentUrl":"http:\/\/2.bp.blogspot.com\/_W3h59OgJIAA\/R82GbVBpcUI\/AAAAAAAAAN8\/neh5GQvipRk\/s200\/MF_6132.JPG"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/03\/lightening-guiltpart-2.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Lightening Guilt\u2014Part 2"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/","name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","description":"Beliefnet Voices - Daylle Deanna Schwartz","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35","name":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","caption":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz"},"description":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz is a speaker, self-empowerment counselor, best-selling author of 15 books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill), All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise and founder of The Self-Love Movement\u2122 where she's giving away her 13th book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/253","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=253"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/253\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=253"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=253"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=253"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}