{"id":2518,"date":"2012-02-02T12:01:46","date_gmt":"2012-02-02T17:01:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=2518"},"modified":"2012-01-16T12:16:44","modified_gmt":"2012-01-16T17:16:44","slug":"2518","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/02\/2518.html","title":{"rendered":"Adjusting Your Attitude for More Happiness"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>I’m happy to have Tina Tessina<\/a><\/strong>, Ph.D. back as my guest. Her articles always bring a great response as she has such a great take on life’s ups and downs. Tina is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in California and the author of MANY books. Today she talks about how to do emotional maintenance in order to have a healthy attitude, which is a good way to say, “I love me!”<\/p>\n

Attitude Adjustment<\/strong>
\nby Tina Tessina<\/strong><\/p>\n

I have written in recently about emotional hygiene, and doing the necessary maintenance on feelings as well as your physical body and household. Health reminders tell us to wash our hands frequently to prevent transmittal of diseases. Did you know you can \u201cwash\u201d your mood, too, and give yourself an attitude adjustment whenever you want to? Here are some ideas for how to turn your attitude around in the most common mood-disrupting situations:<\/p>\n

Disappointment and Expectations<\/strong> We all have high hopes and rosy pictures of the future when we enter a new situation or relationship. So when life turns out not to be perfect, things don\u2019t go the way you hoped, or you find out your partner actually is an imperfect human, just like you, it\u2019s disappointing. You may begin by expecting that your partner will always see your point of view, or that as long as you love each other, everything will be OK, but after a while, reality breaks through and you realize your expectations were unrealistic. If you feel you\u2019re constantly disappointed and frequently angry, consider that it may be because your expectations don\u2019t line up with reality.<\/p>\n

No matter how little reality resembles your dreams, there\u2019s no need to squabble about it. We all deal with many disappointments in daily life, at home and at work. In most cases, neither you nor your partner would argue with the boss, colleagues at work, or your child\u2019s teacher the way you argue with each other. In domestic situations, you can choose your behavior in the same way\u2014you don’t have to argue with each other. Instead of bickering like children, use your grownup self-control to pull yourself out of the argument. If you\u2019re fighting over silly little things, remember you’re having symbolic fights\u2014it\u2019s not really about who didn’t put the cap on the toothpaste, it\u2019s about disappointment, who is right, who has the most power, or who deserves to be loved.<\/p>\n

Do\u2019s and Don\u2019ts for Handling Disappointment<\/strong> OK, so you\u2019re disappointed. Your dream has ended in the trashbin. You may want to lay on the floor, kicking your heels, and screaming; or go on a drunken binge, or beat someone up, but if you try it, you\u2019ll find you’re still disappointed, and all that acting out hasn\u2019t fixed anything. Disappointment is a dead-end in your road; so you need to figure out a new direction.<\/p>\n

DO put it in perspective: If you’re disappointed, it hurts, but your life is not over. Look to your future, and see what you can do to make it better.<\/p>\n

DO understand that you had some control, but not total control over this: With an objective look at what went wrong, you can make plans to improve your team effort, your skills, your spirit and then look forward to the next event. Don\u2019t blame yourself for the things you couldn\u2019t control, but change the things you can.<\/p>\n

DON\u2019T give up: You\u2019re not a failure unless you quit; so don\u2019t quit when you\u2019re behind. Instead, get determined to do better.<\/p>\n

DO try to learn from the experience: Every disappointment is an opportunity to learn from whatever went wrong. Replay your mental tapes of the event, and figure out how you can do better.<\/p>\n

DON\u2019T expect anyone to sympathize beyond the first few moments: Sympathy feels good for a short while, but it debilitates you in the long run. You\u2019ll feel better if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game.<\/p>\n

Letting go of Resentment, Discontent and Frustration<\/strong> Discontent and frustration are destructive, because they give rise to hopelessness and despair. If you can\u2019t solve problems, communicate or get along with yourself or someone else, you\u2019ll lose hope that you will ever be able to enjoy life. Resentment and frustration rob your days of the joyous and happy moments. When you\u2019re frustrated and hopeless, you lack patience and the ability to think clearly and creatively. The good news is, you can learn patience and clear thinking.<\/p>\n

Acquiring Patience<\/strong> Learning to be patient and remain calm reduces and relieves stress and worry. Cultivating patience is really learning impulse control\u2014it\u2019s an issue in self-management. You can learn how to do \u201cemotional maintenance\u201d and shake off stress, keep on track of what you want to do, and let go of frustration when something is getting to you. Patience is learning how to wait and think before acting and made sure you understand the options and take control of your own ideas and decisions. It\u2019s a growth process, a transformation of self through awareness and learning.<\/p>\n

To acquire patience, learn not to act on impulse, but change your thinking and attitude, and reach out for support and encouragement. To learn the necessary patience and determination that enhances your communication, these seven steps will help you learn patience<\/strong>:<\/p>\n

1: Wait<\/strong>: The old advice to \u201ccount to 10 before you respond\u201d is a great way to learn patience. Give yourself a chance to give your best response.<\/p>\n

2: Use Perspective<\/strong>: Put your impulses or desires in perspective\u2014will it be important an hour from now\u2014fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won\u2019t be.<\/p>\n

3. Self-understanding:<\/strong> If you are tempted to act or speak on impulse, understand that the impulse is normal, but you don\u2019t have to be run by it. Reactions and impulses are suspect\u2014it’s how thoughtfully we act on them that counts. If your impulsive thoughts or actions ruin moments, they\u2019re not worth it.<\/p>\n

4: Take a longer view<\/strong>: If you\u2019re reacting because someone upset you (e.g.: your partner hurt your feelings) give a little prayer of thanks that it wasn\u2019t worse, say a blessing for your partner, friend or co-worker (who probably needs it) and you\u2019ll feel better. If you are tempted to act impulsively, pause a minute and consider your bigger goal\u2014then decide if the momentary impulse is worth setting back your goal.<\/p>\n

5. Give yourself a break<\/strong>: If you act on an impulse before thinking about it, acknowledge what you did, then forgive yourself and get back on track. If you find yourself acting impulsively a lot, then maybe your goal is too rigid, and you need to allow a little more room for yourself, or to renegotiate the contract with your spouse. Find an outlet for your impulses where they won\u2019t do harm.<\/p>\n

6. Refocus:<\/strong> Impulses are often a reaction to outside circumstances\u2014for example, being annoyed because your partner isn\u2019t available, when you could enjoy using the time you have to yourself. Make sure what you\u2019re doing is what you really want to do.<\/p>\n

7: Celebrate:<\/strong> Remember to celebrate your accomplishments and all the times you do what you intend to, keep your promises, and work things out. Frequent small celebrations are a way to reward yourself for patience, and to increase your motivation to be even more patient. Compliment and encourage yourself and others.<\/p>\n

Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Squabbling About the Three Things That Can Destroy Your Marriage (Adams Media) \u00a9 2011 Tina B. Tessina<\/a><\/strong>
\n***************<\/p>\n

Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Challenge<\/strong><\/a>–a pledge to do something loving for yourself for the next 31 days–and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts from 2012 HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’m happy to have Tina Tessina, Ph.D. back as my guest. Her articles always bring a great response as she has such a great take on life’s ups and downs. Tina is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in California and the author of MANY books. 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