{"id":2428,"date":"2011-12-19T12:01:13","date_gmt":"2011-12-19T17:01:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=2428"},"modified":"2011-12-05T20:12:51","modified_gmt":"2011-12-06T01:12:51","slug":"go-for-the-whole-enchilada","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/12\/go-for-the-whole-enchilada.html","title":{"rendered":"Go for the Whole Enchilada!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>DoorMats settle for crumbs\u2014occasional attention from someone you do a favor for, romantic involvement with someone who is \u201cbetter than nothing,\u201d bits of happy times, etc. I remember clearly how that feels. Back in my Doormat days, I got used to settling for bits and pieces of pleasure. That doesn\u2019t make for a happy or satisfying life! I hear it from friends and clients:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cIt\u2019s better than nothing.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI guess I don\u2019t deserve more.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI\u2019ve accepted that I can never get beyond this level.\u201d
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI don\u2019t want to be alone so I don\u2019t make waves.\u201d<\/p>\n

Settling for what you get may be common but it isn\u2019t loving to you! You may get used to it like I did and try to be grateful for the crumbs of happiness. This is especially prevalent in romantic relationships. When you think you need a partner to be complete, settling can seem like a better option than feeling like half of nothing. But it\u2019s not. People complain about abusive relationships and all that\u2019s missing. It creates negative emotions that feel lousy and can make you physically ill.<\/p>\n

When I felt lousy about me, I never thought about what I did or didn\u2019t deserve. I was just trying to survive. I wanted to keep my world steady, even if it didn\u2019t bring me joy. As my self-esteem got stronger, the word DESERVE entered my vocabulary. I remember the first time it hit me. I had a boyfriend who was cute and fun, when his problems weren\u2019t making him distant and sometimes mean. When I decided to break up with him, friends pushed me to reconsider.<\/p>\n

\u201cAt least you have someone, and he\u2019s cute.\u201d I thought about that. He was cute, and I loved being with him when he was in a good mood. But I didn\u2019t love the underlying feeling of being on edge, wondering if that good mood would last and not wanting to do something to annoy him. In the past I\u2019d have hung in with him, taking the sweet crumbs he threw me and tolerating the other stuff. But this time was different. I loved myself enough to know I didn\u2019t want to settle anymore. I told my friends, \u201cI deserve the whole enchilada and won\u2019t settle for less. i want someone who treats me well all the time.”<\/p>\n

Self-love motivates you to go for the whole enchilada, not just small bites of joy.<\/p>\n

I broke up with the guy and felt empowered, not depressed to be without him. Self-love helps you connect with owning that you deserve the BEST, to not have to settle for anything and to get the whole enchilada in whatever endeavor you go after. Settling for less is unloving. And it makes you unhappy. When your faith is strong and you build your confidence, you\u2019ll be strong enough to wait for circumstances and people who give you the whole enchilada. I never regretted ending my relationship and met someone much better after.<\/p>\n

Maureen Dowd “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”<\/p>\n

Your standards keep going down once you settle. Conversely, your standards go up when you refuse to. Settling is never worth the price you pay. Instead, work on treating yourself with love. The more you love you, the less you\u2019ll allow yourself to settle and the more you\u2019ll insist on having the whole enchilada. Don\u2019t take the first job you\u2019re offered because you\u2019re scared you won\u2019t get another. Wait for the right one. Don\u2019t keep people around who don\u2019t consistently treat you right to avoid being lonely. Don\u2019t settle for anything! Every time you accept you deserve the whole enchilada and go after it, you say, \u201cI love me!\u201d
\n*********************<\/p>\n

Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Challenge<\/strong><\/a> –a pledge to start your year by doing something kind for yourself for the first 31 days of January–and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. And you can post your loving acts HERE<\/a><\/strong> to reinforce your intention to love yourself. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

DoorMats settle for crumbs\u2014occasional attention from someone you do a favor for, romantic involvement with someone who is \u201cbetter than nothing,\u201d bits of happy times, etc. I remember clearly how that feels. Back in my Doormat days, I got used to settling for bits and pieces of pleasure. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2428","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2428"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2428\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2432,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2428\/revisions\/2432"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2428"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2428"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2428"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}