{"id":2293,"date":"2012-01-16T12:01:15","date_gmt":"2012-01-16T17:01:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=2293"},"modified":"2012-01-07T13:33:28","modified_gmt":"2012-01-07T18:33:28","slug":"favor-vs-obligation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/01\/favor-vs-obligation.html","title":{"rendered":"Favor vs. Obligation"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/em>Today is Day 16 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month<\/a><\/strong> with suggestions for jumpstarting your own self-love.<\/em><\/p>\n

We often confuse doing someone a favor with feeling an obligation to do something for someone. DoorMats see doing favors as an obligation, which is so not what favor means. When I was a DoorMat, any time I got a request I felt obligated to fulfill it, often at my own expense. My need to please everyone made everything my duty. I didn\u2019t recognize I had a choice to say yes or no. Fear of angering someone negated my having one.<\/p>\n

I finally learned that not feeling obligated to help everyone said, “I love me!”. A good friend asked if I could do her a favor and fill in for her at a charity event. She watched as I mulled over how I would do it as I had something else I had to take care of. My stress was visible as I juggled time in my head about how to fit it in. She stopped me in my tracks, or I should say in my thoughts, and said if it was going to make me crazy to do her this favor she could ask someone else. I shouldn\u2019t feel obligated if I was too busy.<\/p>\n

That was the first time I recognized I had a choice about whether I could, or should, do a favor if it inconvenienced me greatly.<\/p>\n

There were no hard feelings or arguing. She made me say no to the favor. It actually felt great to realize I had choices like everyone else. I didn\u2019t always have to do things for others just to make up for what I saw as my shortcomings. My friend said I do too much for others and need to start picking and choosing the favors I did. It was an eye-opening moment that helped me begin to say no to things I didn\u2019t want to do or didn\u2019t have time for.<\/p>\n

The big lesson:<\/strong> Doing a favor is your CHOICE. People ask if you can do it because they know you might not be able to.<\/p>\n

I made every favor into an obligation but didn\u2019t have to. And I learned the difference between favors and obligations. A favor is something you choose to do, or not do. An obligation is something you\u2019ve committed to and must honor that commitment. Paying your rent is an obligation. Loaning money is a favor. Honoring your commitment to do something is an obligation. Watching someone\u2019s kids is a favor. When you understand the difference, you can give yourself permission to turn down favors that you can\u2019t or don\u2019t want to do.<\/p>\n

Your obligation should be to take care of yourself, first and foremost. That means only agreeing to do favors that don\u2019t put you out or stress you out. Next time you\u2019re asked to do something, tell the person you\u2019ll get back to her and then think about whether you feel obligated for real to do it or if you\u2019d just do it to please the person. Choose to only do favors that work for your schedule and overall well-being. Remember, your first obligation is to make yourself happy, which means not doing favors that aren\u2019t in your best interest. That’s says, “I love me!”
\n***************<\/p>\n

Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Challenge<\/strong><\/a>–a pledge to do something loving for yourself for the next 31 days–and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts from 2011 <\/strong>HERE<\/a><\/strong><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Today is Day 16 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month with suggestions for jumpstarting your own self-love. We often confuse doing someone a favor with feeling an obligation to do something for someone. DoorMats see doing favors as an obligation, which is so not what favor means. When I was…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,2,15],"tags":[198,199],"class_list":["post-2293","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-favors","tag-oblgiation"],"yoast_head":"\nFavor vs. Obligation - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/01\/favor-vs-obligation.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Favor vs. Obligation - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Today is Day 16 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month with suggestions for jumpstarting your own self-love. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2293","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2293"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2293\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2672,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2293\/revisions\/2672"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2293"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2293"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2293"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}