{"id":224,"date":"2008-05-28T13:09:00","date_gmt":"2008-05-28T13:09:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/05\/you-can-say-no.html"},"modified":"2008-05-28T13:09:00","modified_gmt":"2008-05-28T13:09:00","slug":"you-can-say-no","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/05\/you-can-say-no.html","title":{"rendered":"You Can Say NO!"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Last night I was at an event. The speaker asked people in the audience to share something special they\u2019d done this year. One woman said she began to say \u201cno\u201d to people. Everyone applauded this feat. Women are known for being overly agreeable. I\u2019ve encountered many guys who say they also agree to requests much too often.<\/p>\n

Saying that one small word\u2014\u201cno\u201d\u2014turns into a very big deal for many of us!<\/span><\/p>\n

I relate. When I was a DoorMat, I couldn\u2019t get that word out. Turning someone down meant possibly losing a friendship. Or alienating someone. You might not even like the person but if you want to be liked by EVERYONE, agreeable seems to be the course of action.<\/p>\n

Being liked seems much more pleasant than annoying someone by not helping. When I was on Oprah, she asked the audience what they preferred\u2014being liked or being respected?<\/span> Almost everyone chose liked. <\/span>And people like you much more when you\u2019re agreeable! Now I know that real friends like you even if you don\u2019t jump when they need something. And colleagues who respect you will respect when you\u2019re too busy to accept more work.<\/p>\n

We all have ouch moments when we feel we\u2019ve done something to make someone not like us.<\/span> I still do! But they pass fast in the glow of feeling more empowered.<\/p>\n

After being the go-to girl for everyone, I finally began to be more selective about doing favors. As my self-esteem grew, I accepted\u2014joyously\u2014that I was entitled to have a life that includes meeting my needs too. To achieve that, I had to stop putting all my time and energy into others. But, I was accused of becoming a bitch when I turned down requests. I ran back to the \u201csecurity\u201d of being agreeable until I realized the manipulation in their words.<\/p>\n

They were being unfair by labeling me with a nasty word, just for saying I couldn\u2019t help them. It\u2019s okay to say \u201cno\u201d if you have something else to do!<\/span><\/p>\n

I learned how to turn people down more diplomatically. At first, I proudly forced \u201cno\u201d out. It felt uncomfortable and wasn\u2019t well received. So I tried new ways to ease people into understanding that they had to find someone else as their go-to girl. I\u2019d gotten folks in the habit of expecting me to help with everything. Now I had to break that habit! And I did, by using new tactics to slowly wean myself away from requests.<\/p>\n

You can create new habits of responding to what others want from you.<\/span> Their attitude probably won\u2019t change overnight. Long time habits take a while to bereak. But if you\u2019re consistent, you to can give yourself a lot more time by giving less to others. You can stop being on agreeable auto-pilot! Next time you get asked to help with something you know you don\u2019t want to do:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2022 Pause before responding.<\/span> DoorMats feel they must reply instantly. You don\u2019t have to! Even if you may say yes, get into the habit of thinking before you respond. Try to stay as deadpan as possible so they can\u2019t read guilt or dismay. They may try to manipulate you if they sense guilt or a lack of enthusiasm for their needs.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Stall.<\/span> Say you must think about it or check your schedule. If she pushes and says she needs to know fast, nicely explain you can\u2019t respond fast so she may want to find a backup. If she acts like you\u2019re not being a friend, ask, with a smile, why she thinks her schedule is more important than yours.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Stall more.<\/span> A few people may get the message if you stall a bit. Ask him to email you to remind you to check your schedule. It gives you some distance from personal reactions. Turning someone down electronically is easier.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Ponder.<\/span> Ask yourself, \u201cDo I want to do it or prefer not to?\u201d You might want to go the distance for someone who has helped you a lot. Be selective as you turn folks down. Don\u2019t just stop agreeing to everything. But if agreeing to the request will inconvenience you in ways that stress you, and you don\u2019t owe the person that kind of consideration, choose not to do it.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Excuse.<\/span> After you\u2019ve waited a while, say you can\u2019t do it. Waiting helps the person get used to your not always saying \u201cyes.\u201d It forces them to think of alternatives to having you do what they need. Even if you say \u201cyes,\u201d they may begin to see they can\u2019t automatically count on you. As you practice, you can turn off auto-pilot and selectively agree when it works for you.<\/p>\n

I may not be liked by as many people since I started saying \u201cno,\u201d but I\u2019m a lot more respected, and a lot happier with the people in my world who like me for me, not for what I do for them.<\/span> In my next post, I\u2019ll give alternatives to saying \u201cno.\u201d You can turn folks down without that little word ever crossing your lips!<\/p>\n

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and\/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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Last night I was at an event. The speaker asked people in the audience to share something special they\u2019d done this year. One woman said she began to say \u201cno\u201d to people. Everyone applauded this feat. Women are known for being overly agreeable. I\u2019ve encountered many guys who say they also agree to requests much…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-224","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first"],"yoast_head":"\nYou Can Say NO! - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/05\/you-can-say-no.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"You Can Say NO! - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Last night I was at an event. 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Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. 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