{"id":223,"date":"2008-06-03T18:34:00","date_gmt":"2008-06-03T18:34:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/06\/saying-no-without-saying-no.html"},"modified":"2008-06-03T18:34:00","modified_gmt":"2008-06-03T18:34:00","slug":"saying-no-without-saying-no","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/06\/saying-no-without-saying-no.html","title":{"rendered":"Saying \u201cNo\u201d Without Saying \u201cNo\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>
In my last post<\/a>, I discussed why saying \u201cno\u201d is important. We\u2019re often afraid that if we turn people down when they ask for something, they won\u2019t like us. Since saying the actual word \u201cno\u201d can feel uncomfortable, but there are alternative that work well.<\/p>\n

Find firm ways to turn folks down without the word ever crossing your lips.<\/span><\/p>\n

Little white lies<\/span> ease you into it. If it\u2019s more comfortable at first, create excuses. Someone calls for a lift \u2013 you just washed your hair. Can you come watch her kids? You\u2019re writing a report. Survival excuses allow you to bow out nicely. Consistent, reasonable excuses can get people out of the habit of always expecting your help. Agree occasionally.<\/p>\n

You really don\u2019t owe anyone elaborate excuses!<\/span> Be careful about letting someone box you into a corner. When I was a DoorMat, I\u2019d be asked if I really had to go to the doctor when they needed me. I\u2019d actually change my appointment rather than argue! People may not take your turning them down well and challenge your excuse, pushing for more details about why you can\u2019t. Watch how others turn you down. If you consistently make excuses, People will begin to look elsewhere.<\/p>\n

Create generic answers instead of saying \u201cno.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Use expressions like, \u201cI can\u2019t do it\u201d or \u201cthis doesn\u2019t work for me.\u201d Flattery can temper refusals. Say you think highly of them but you\u2019re overextended. Tell a neighbor you enjoy talking with her but it\u2019s not a good time to share family barbecues. Turn folks down without \u201cno.\u201d Create pat answers. Find your own version<\/span>:<\/p>\n

\u2022 \u201cThat doesn\u2019t fit my schedule.\u201d
\u2022 \u201cTime won\u2019t allow me to make more commitments.\u201d
\u2022 \u201cFilling in when you\u2019re away is too important for my limited time.\u201d
\u2022 \u201cI barely have time to take a potty break with so much on my plate.\u201d<\/p>\n

Do you get arguments from someone when you turn them down?<\/span> When people are used to getting their way, the less they accept not getting their way. A reader commented on my last post that when she\u2019s asked to do something she doesn\u2019t want to do, she looks in her Day Planner and says she can\u2019t. But a co-worker has actually looked at her schedule after she\u2019s declined! That\u2019s rude!<\/p>\n

If it were me, I\u2019d focus on how inappropriate it is to look through my schedule and question what I said. Maybe seeing the date reminded me I have a dentist appointment I didn\u2019t write down. Only bullies push to get their way when you\u2019ve turned them down. <\/span>Better to avoid them when possible! That\u2019s why I recommended in the last post that you wait and let the person know later. If you email your turn down, they can\u2019t question you as easily!<\/p>\n

NEVER say, \u201cI wish I could,\u201d unless you want them to rearrange their schedule to grant your wish.<\/span><\/p>\n

Segue into just saying you can\u2019t. When I began to baby step out of DoorMatville, I gave elaborate reasons and apologized. Now I firmly say, \u201cI can\u2019t<\/span>,\u201d<\/span> which invites fewer follow-up requests. My conviction indicates, \u201ccase closed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Do friends try to rope you into volunteering for charity or at your kids\u2019 school? Bow out clearly. Don\u2019t be evasive or say you\u2019re sorry you can\u2019t help. That invites more requests. It\u2019s your right to choose how to volunteer. Don\u2019t let people with causes intimidate you. Explain other commitments take all your time\u2014no more details\u2014with a smile! ? A firm attitude reinforces it.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and\/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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In my last post, I discussed why saying \u201cno\u201d is important. We\u2019re often afraid that if we turn people down when they ask for something, they won\u2019t like us. Since saying the actual word \u201cno\u201d can feel uncomfortable, but there are alternative that work well. Find firm ways to turn folks down without the word…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-223","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first"],"yoast_head":"\nSaying \u201cNo\u201d Without Saying \u201cNo\u201d - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/06\/saying-no-without-saying-no.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Saying \u201cNo\u201d Without Saying \u201cNo\u201d - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"In my last post, I discussed why saying \u201cno\u201d is important. We\u2019re often afraid that if we turn people down when they ask for something, they won\u2019t like us. Since saying the actual word \u201cno\u201d can feel uncomfortable, but there are alternative that work well. 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