{"id":2211,"date":"2011-11-21T12:01:06","date_gmt":"2011-11-21T17:01:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=2211"},"modified":"2011-09-24T16:46:35","modified_gmt":"2011-09-24T20:46:35","slug":"healthy-arguments","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/11\/healthy-arguments.html","title":{"rendered":"Healthy Arguments"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>I hear people brag that they never fight with loved ones. There seems to be a special pride about never fighting with a romantic partner. Unfortunately, that\u2019s nothing to be proud of. Just because you keep things on an even keel, your relationship isn\u2019t necessarily good. I avoided all arguments when I was a DoorMat. But I wasn\u2019t happy about it, since it meant I kept things all pent up inside.<\/p>\n

Not expressing your anger or disappointment or frustration or any other negative emotions doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re not feeling them.<\/p>\n

Holding in negative emotions hurts you. Physical symptoms arise from them according to research from the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor. The more you get anger and other emotions out, the less they can affect you and your health. I used to walk around with tummy aches and other physical discomfort when I was angry with someone but I kept my mouth shut. I thought it was a good thing. But it wasn\u2019t. It kept me stuck.<\/p>\n

Speaking up is good for a relationship, whether it\u2019s with a romantic partner, a friend, or even your mom. When you avoid letting the person know how you feel, resentment builds because the issue doesn\u2019t get resolved. And it stays with you. And does damage. That\u2019s why it\u2019s important to engage in healthy arguments. Not yelling and screaming. Not being nasty. Just state what you feel. Disagree without attacking the person. Share how you feel.<\/p>\n

An argument won\u2019t ruin your relationship. In fact, it would probably make it stronger.<\/p>\n

A good relationship includes arguments\/fighting over issues\/disagreeing about things. When you trust your romantic partner, friend, colleague, family member, etc., that trust should include having your own take on a situation or having a negative response to something they do, and being able to air it without negative drama or fear that it will end the good relationship. If you\u2019re too scared, work on building the trust. And keep in mind some rules for fighting in healthy ways:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Fight fair.<\/strong> Don\u2019t hit below the belt by bringing up past issues that were already dealt with and are painful to the other person.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Pick a peaceful time to talk.<\/strong> Don\u2019t bring up issues when you or the other person is rushed or in a bad\/stressed mood.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Don\u2019t attack the person with anger.<\/strong> Stay calm so the disagreement doesn\u2019t escalate to something much bigger than necessary.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Don\u2019t get loud.<\/strong> Raising your voice will also raise tension. Force yourself to sound as friendly as possible to keep your disagreement from becoming a nasty fight.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Use kind words.<\/strong> Don\u2019t put the person down or say they\u2019re bad or wrong. Just state your side and let them state theirs. Nicely explain why it bothers you.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Be willing to listen with an open mind.<\/strong> Often we\u2019re thinking about our next comeback or point instead of really hearing what the person says. People feel better just knowing they were heard. Make a point of paying real attention to what’s said.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Acknowledge the person\u2019s feelings and point of view.<\/strong> \u201cI understand and respect how you feel. Here\u2019s why I feel differently.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0End with a caring statement.<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m glad we could clear the air on this, even if we don\u2019t agree on everything. I respect how you feel and appreciate you as a person.\u201d<\/p>\n

Healthy disagreements strengthen relationships. Don\u2019t avoid them! Just make them productive and caring, not nasty and hostile. Getting how you feel out leaves you feeling better physically and strengthens a trusting relationship.
\n*********************<\/p>\n

Take the self-love challenge<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a>. And you can post your loving acts HERE<\/a><\/strong> to reinforce your intention to love yourself. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I hear people brag that they never fight with loved ones. There seems to be a special pride about never fighting with a romantic partner. Unfortunately, that\u2019s nothing to be proud of. Just because you keep things on an even keel, your relationship isn\u2019t necessarily good. I avoided all arguments when I was a DoorMat.…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14,2],"tags":[185,184],"class_list":["post-2211","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-positive-mental-attitude","category-self-empowerment-confidence","tag-fighting-fair","tag-healthy-arguments"],"yoast_head":"\nHealthy Arguments - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/11\/healthy-arguments.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Healthy Arguments - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I hear people brag that they never fight with loved ones. There seems to be a special pride about never fighting with a romantic partner. Unfortunately, that\u2019s nothing to be proud of. Just because you keep things on an even keel, your relationship isn\u2019t necessarily good. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2211","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2211"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2211\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2214,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2211\/revisions\/2214"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2211"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2211"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2211"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}