{"id":218,"date":"2008-06-27T17:20:00","date_gmt":"2008-06-27T17:20:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/06\/can-i-get.html"},"modified":"2008-06-27T17:20:00","modified_gmt":"2008-06-27T17:20:00","slug":"can-i-get","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/06\/can-i-get.html","title":{"rendered":"Can I Get\u2026?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>
I went out for lunch today to a diner. A guy came in, also by himself. He knew what he wanted. But, instead of just saying what it was, he asked, \u201cMay I have eggs, over easy?\u201d I\u2019ve heard this many times before when people were in a place that they paid for a good or service, yet asked for it, instead of just saying what they want. \u201cI\u2019d like 2 eggs, over easy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Many people ask for what they have a right to expect.<\/span><\/p>\n

Yet it\u2019s so common. I did it all the time when I was a DoorMat. It reinforced how powerless I felt. I couldn\u2019t just receive anything, even if I was paying for it! So I\u2019d ask like the person was doing me a favor instead of giving me what I was entitled to. And each time I did was a reminder that I wasn\u2019t worthy.<\/p>\n

\u201cCould I trouble you for some more coffee?\u201d Why is it trouble? The waiter\u2019s job is to get you what you want.<\/span> Then you pay for it.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan you fix my broken toilet?\u201d to the maintenance person. Do you really want to give him a choice?<\/span> What if his answer is \u201cno?\u201d Do you live without a working toilet? Besides hurting your self-image, asking for what you definitely should get sets a tone for the person to take you less seriously. A waiter may not rush to refill your water if you speak like everything he does is a favor, instead of his job. Your plumber may save you for the last stop. The bartender may ignore you if it\u2019s very busy. \u201cMy I have a glass of wine?\u201d can leave you thirsty. \u201cOne glass of Chianti please\u201d gets taken more seriously.<\/p>\n

Yet both men and women often ask apologetically, instead of just stating what they want<\/span>. Your choice of words sets a strong tone for your self-esteem, and your confidence. Pay attention to how you ask for things. It\u2019s one thing to ask for a favor. Getting acquiescence for one isn\u2019t a given. But when it\u2019s something you pay for, you should state your needs and sound like you expect to get what you want.<\/p>\n

When I say this in a workshop, often I\u2019m challenged with arguments that it\u2019s not polite to just tell someone what you want. But it is. You can still be polite.<\/span> \u201cI\u2019d like 2 eggs, over easy. Thanks.\u201d I always say thank you when someone brings me what I want. I express my appreciation to waiters, service people and anyone else I buy something from or use the services of. But it\u2019s because I do appreciate the job they do. It feels a lot better than acting like a child asking mommy for something.<\/p>\n

I think the tendency to ask instead of stating it comes from childhood.<\/span> Kids ask for everything. Some learn they have to wheedle to get what they want. When your self-esteem grows as you grow into an adult, you might just naturally switch into a different way to say what you want. But if you\u2019re like I was, I still felt like a child who was afraid of being turned down for everything I asked for. So I\u2019d ask apologetically or like I was afraid they\u2019d say \u201cno.\u201d<\/p>\n

I had to consciously battle my old DoorMat ways for a while; listen to how I put my needs out. I realized when I just stated, I felt better about me. That was good motivation to continue expressing what I wanted in ways that showed I expected results. Be more definite in your expectations of what you ask for. When done with a smile and appreciation, it\u2019s usually a win\/win experience.<\/p>\n

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and\/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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I went out for lunch today to a diner. A guy came in, also by himself. He knew what he wanted. 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Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/218","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=218"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/218\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=218"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=218"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=218"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}