{"id":216,"date":"2008-06-23T21:22:00","date_gmt":"2008-06-23T21:22:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/06\/when-obligations-are-plain-old-dumb.html"},"modified":"2008-06-23T21:22:00","modified_gmt":"2008-06-23T21:22:00","slug":"when-obligations-are-plain-old-dumb","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/06\/when-obligations-are-plain-old-dumb.html","title":{"rendered":"When Obligations Are Plain Old Dumb!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>
A guy recently told me he\u2019s miserable because his ex-wife and her kid are living with him until she can afford to move out. She wanted the divorce, moved on and dates other men. Yet he feels an obligation to take care of her and her kid. After all, he\u2019s the man! And men are supposed to take care of women, aren\u2019t they?<\/p>\n

NO! Men are not the protectors of the world, just as women aren\u2019t the nurturers. <\/span><\/p>\n

This guy still loves his ex-wife and is losing his sanity from her indifference toward him and his feelings. Yet he felt\u2014as a man\u2014an obligation to let her stay with him. He\u2019d hurt when she left for a date. He cried if she stayed out all night. It\u2019s hard enough to end a relationship with someone you love. But watching the one you love get on with their life while you suffer is intolerable.<\/p>\n

Many guys take a \u201cbe a man\u201d approach to situations that need fixing or women who need rescuing. <\/span>It\u2019s culturally instinctive\u2014one of those stereotypes that many men still adopt.<\/p>\n

I dated a guy who told me from the get-go that he was a boy scout. He made a big point of telling me that. Many times. His dad brought him up to help others. Make everyone happy when he could. His emphasis on being a boy scout alerted me that he had problems. He offered to do all sorts of favors for me, to the point of seeming abnormal. Yet he was a nice looking guy, VERY financially stable, in a VERY powerful business with a company he owned.<\/p>\n

But his identity revolved around being Mr. Boy Scout. <\/span><\/p>\n

I think we ended because he got frustrated that I didn\u2019t need him to rush to my aid if something went wrong. Or try to find things to do for me when things were going right. Heaven forbid I tried to do something nice for him! That wasn\u2019t part of his agenda. He had to be the one doing all the giving. It made him feel more like a man!<\/p>\n

Often the need to take care of a woman becomes a need to be in control at all times. <\/span><\/p>\n

It eventually became obvious that Mr. Boy Scout with all that power had a very low self-image and needed to do things and care for others to feel good about himself, often at his own expense. We stopped seeing each other after I gave him some guidance on how to be more self-loving. He was determined to learn how to love himself. I had so much compassion for him and his programmed need to be Mr. Boy Scout.<\/p>\n

The cavalier guy I mentioned first sacrifices his comfort and dignity to \u201cbe a man.\u201d Meanwhile, Wifey happily takes advantage of \u201cthe man\u201d and does what she pleases while his heart breaks and his self-esteem crumbles. I told him to get her out as an act of self-love and sent him chapters from the manuscript of my book, How Do I love Me? Let me Count the Ways<\/span>. He\u2019s now focusing on getting stronger by being more loving to himself and trusting in his spiritual faith.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s important to nurture your own needs and provide yourself with happiness\u2014first. When you\u2019re more self-loving, you begin to love yourself more. Stereotypes that push you to make other people\u2019s need more important than your own well being are ones that need to be broken \u2013 fast!<\/span><\/p>\n

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and\/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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A guy recently told me he\u2019s miserable because his ex-wife and her kid are living with him until she can afford to move out. She wanted the divorce, moved on and dates other men. Yet he feels an obligation to take care of her and her kid. After all, he\u2019s the man! 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Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. 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