{"id":2127,"date":"2012-02-10T12:01:45","date_gmt":"2012-02-10T17:01:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=2127"},"modified":"2012-01-16T12:19:45","modified_gmt":"2012-01-16T17:19:45","slug":"question-how-can-i-stop-lending-money","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/02\/question-how-can-i-stop-lending-money.html","title":{"rendered":"Question: How Can I Stop Lending Money?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>A reader asked how she can stop loaning money to family. They rarely pay her back and always have a rationale about why she needs to help them out. They don\u2019t help her. Yet they act like it\u2019s her responsibility to loan them money. The reader hasn\u2019t been able to do the things she\u2019d like because money is tight, since she\u2019s the family banker. She asked how she can stop this pattern without alienating her family.<\/p>\n

In this kind of situation, don\u2019t worry so much about alienating family. The reader\u2019s family members aren\u2019t in terrible shape. They have jobs. She should be angry that they take great advantage of her. Getting people out of the habit of expecting you to subsidize their lifestyles is your responsibility. It begins with accepting you have a right to spend all your money<\/strong> on what YOU choose and don\u2019t owe anyone more than you\u2019re comfortable giving. No one can take your money if you don\u2019t give it.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Everyone is responsible for their circumstances. It\u2019s your choice how you spend your money. Even if you make a lot more, you don\u2019t need to share, unless you want to!<\/p>\n

Many people will take if they\u2019re allowed to. And you allow them to by not saying \u201cno\u201d or speaking up about how you want it to stop. Few will read your mind so you need to do something if you want to stop it! You stop it by saying no more lending! If the person gets angry, nicely ask why you should give up spending so they can spend more? Explain you have your own bills to pay and don\u2019t have enough extra to lend it. And if you do consider lending it, ask when they plan to pay it back.<\/p>\n

I shudder to think about how much money I lost when I was a DoorMat because I loaned money to please people so they\u2019d like me. Trying to get the money repaid was useless, yet I still loaned more to certain people I thought I needed in my life. Looking back, I\u2019m not angry at myself. I just didn\u2019t know any better. From a spiritual perspective, what they did probably came back to them. Put it in writing!<\/p>\n

Now if I\u2019m asked, my response is usually, \u201cMy new policy is that I don\u2019t loan money to anyone.\u201d<\/p>\n

If people don\u2019t like it, oh well. If I go out with someone I know sometimes doesn\u2019t have a lot of cash, I ask beforehand if where we\u2019re going is in her budget since I don\u2019t have extra. I have loaned money a few times to people I knew were trustworthy and were in a true bind. And each paid it back in the time promised. But in most cases, my no lending policy holds fast.<\/p>\n

While the answer seems simple\u2014just say \u201cno\u201d to loan requests\u2014it can be very hard to say this to people who are used to getting cash from you.<\/p>\n

People will try to shame you into lending. I\u2019ve asked why they think they should be the ones to spend my money instead of me. The person who continuously borrows without repaying the money should be ashamed, not you!<\/strong> In that case, if the person balks, I\u2019d clarify that they don\u2019t want a loan, they just want you to give them money to keep and you\u2019re not rich enough to continue to subsidize their income.<\/p>\n

This all begins with accepting your right to not lend people money. It truly is your right. It\u2019s your money. You earn it. You can spend it.<\/p>\n

Years ago I had a roommate who made a lot less than me because she was pursuing a creative career and had a job that was convenient. It was her choice to leave a lot of time for her art. I was pursuing stuff too, but I had several jobs in order to pay for what I wanted. She often asked for a loan but I didn\u2019t think she\u2019d ever pay it back on her salary and didn\u2019t want to have to bug her for it so I refused each time. Her annoyance was clear. Then she started getting on me when I went out to eat or spent money on fun things.<\/p>\n

When she got sarcastic\u2014\u201cYou go out to eat but won\u2019t loan me the money I need\u201d\u2014I had to put her in her place. I firmly explained that I worked hard to make enough money to enjoy my life. That was my choice. Hers was to work less to do other things and I wasn\u2019t her keeper. I told her to stop looking to me for money. If she wanted more, work more. She didn\u2019t like it but got over her anger.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s your choice to loan money or to say \u201cno.\u201d Loaning brings aggravation, unless it\u2019s someone you really trust. Love yourself enough to set boundaries on what you lend to others. My \u201cI don\u2019t loan money, Period.\u201d policy works well for me. Find your own way but put the brakes on playing banker to those who don\u2019t repay the money. It might be uncomfortable to set boundaries but after you\u2019ll feel so empowered that you\u2019ll get over it!
\n*********************<\/p>\n

Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Challenge<\/strong><\/a>–a pledge to do something loving for yourself for the next 31 days–and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts from 2012\u00a0<\/strong>HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A reader asked how she can stop loaning money to family. They rarely pay her back and always have a rationale about why she needs to help them out. They don\u2019t help her. Yet they act like it\u2019s her responsibility to loan them money. The reader hasn\u2019t been able to do the things she\u2019d like…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,17,2,15],"tags":[165,88,166],"class_list":["post-2127","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-questions-answered","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-lending-money","tag-self-empowerment","tag-stop-lending-money"],"yoast_head":"\nQuestion: How Can I Stop Lending Money? - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/02\/question-how-can-i-stop-lending-money.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Question: How Can I Stop Lending Money? - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"A reader asked how she can stop loaning money to family. They rarely pay her back and always have a rationale about why she needs to help them out. They don\u2019t help her. Yet they act like it\u2019s her responsibility to loan them money. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2127","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2127"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2127\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2403,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2127\/revisions\/2403"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2127"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2127"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2127"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}