{"id":199,"date":"2008-08-06T16:08:00","date_gmt":"2008-08-06T16:08:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/08\/staying-in-the-present-at-work.html"},"modified":"2008-08-06T16:08:00","modified_gmt":"2008-08-06T16:08:00","slug":"staying-in-the-present-at-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/08\/staying-in-the-present-at-work.html","title":{"rendered":"Staying in the Present at Work"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>
I\u2019ve been writing about how to live more in the NOW and not let past issues influence your present mood, decisions and view of your life in general. We often carry old baggage into work. If you develop workplace relationships based on things that happened with others in the past, it can adversely affect your job.<\/p>\n

Today I have an article by Debra Mandel, Ph.D.<\/span><\/a>, renowned psychologist, columnist, speaker, media expert is the author of several books, including Your Boss Is Not Your Mother: Eight Steps to Eliminating Office Drama and Creating Positive Relationships and Work<\/span><\/a>, Healing the Sensitive Heart<\/span> and two CDs, Creating Healthy Boundaries in the Workplace<\/span> and The Abuser Friendly Syndrome<\/span>. She has appeared on multiple national television and radio programs, and has hosted her own radio show. Dr. Debra’s suggestions can apply to other areas of your life too!<\/p>\n

Workplace Relationships<\/span>
By Debra Mandel, Ph.D<\/a><\/p>\n

According to CareerWomen.com, 66 percent of women who are unhappy at work attribute it to their relationships with coworkers. People like these suffer because they continually get sucked into needless workplace drama\u2014with coworkers, bosses, subordinates, and clients. In doing so, they\u2019re usually replicating problems they had with parents, siblings, or others in childhood.<\/span> Once ensnarled, they don\u2019t have the knowledge or tools necessary to escape these traps.<\/p>\n

As a clinical psychologist with more than twenty years of experience, I\u2019ve worked with hundreds of people whose unhealed childhood bruises have caused them problems in the workplace. Although most of us understand that \u201cold stuff\u201d can affect intimate relationships, we\u2019re caught off guard when they affect workplace interactions.<\/p>\n

Nevertheless, once those familiar buttons get pushed, we may transform our overbearing boss into a bullying older brother, or respond to the judgmental coworker as though she is the parent who failed to applaud us for our achievements.<\/span><\/p>\n

Mind you, unhealed hurts don\u2019t have to be the result of blatantly abusive experiences. Millions of people walk around unaware that events from childhood might still affect them today. For instance, Jenny had grown up realizing that her parents loved her, even though they weren\u2019t demonstratively affectionate toward her or generous in their praise. She hadn\u2019t realized until she was in her thirties that she ached for approval from others because she had never been given enough strokes as a youth. In the workplace, she unknowingly played out this emotional lack by being an excessive people-pleaser, which caused her to lose the respect of her coworkers. Yes, her parents did love her, but they missed the boat when it came to fulfilling this very important developmental need. In fact, most people\u2019s emotional \u201cbruises\u201d come from well-intended caregivers who did the best they could in raising.<\/p>\n

As a result, it\u2019s often very difficult for people to acknowledge their old hurts\u2014let alone understand how these affect them in the present.<\/span><\/p>\n

Regardless of how a wound came about, if it\u2019s still sore\u2014consciously or unconsciously\u2014it\u2019s bound to wreak havoc in the workplace. Ask yourself the following questions to see whether you have old bruises manifesting in the workplace<\/span>:<\/p>\n

1. Do you expect coworkers, bosses, or employees to be your friends?
2. Do you expect or wish that coworkers, bosses, or employees would grant you special favors when you perform below standard, such as when you\u2019ve been out sick, shown up late, or missed a deadline?
3. Do you wish that your boss or coworkers appreciated you more?
4. Do you take responsibility for the workload of others who are slacking off?
5. Do you have a fear of conflict that keeps you from speaking up about unfairness?
6. Do you censor yourself because you fear being fired or hurting someone\u2019s feelings?
7. Do you go out of your way to befriend people in the workplace whom you would not want to be friends with outside of the workplace?
8. Do you envy other people\u2019s success?
9. Do you have trouble keeping boundaries with your coworkers (e.g., you let them know things about your personal life that have nothing to do with your work situation)?
10. Do you feel hurt or become defensive when you receive criticism about your work performance?
11. Do you ever feel that others in your field judge you harshly even when no one has voiced criticism?
12. Do you have difficulty not thinking about your work or the workplace when you are supposed to be enjoying free time?
13. Do you have difficulty evaluating your own job performance?
14. Do you become argumentative with coworkers, bosses, or employees?
15. Do you believe you are not living up to your full potential?
16. Do you keep yourself from excelling in the presence of others for fear of their envy or jealousy?
17. Do you let others make decisions for you, even when your gut tells you it\u2019s the wrong choice for you?
18. Do you have difficulty saying \u201cno\u201d to unreasonable requests from coworkers, bosses, or employees?
19. Do you withhold your honest opinions about work-related issues for fear that you\u2019ll be disliked?<\/p>\n

If you answered \u201cyes\u201d to any of the above, you most likely have old stuff interfering with your ability to thrive in the workplace. But don\u2019t despair! You can heal your bruises and eliminate drama by applying the following tips.<\/span><\/p>\n

1. Identify and acknowledge how your bruises affect you in the workplace, eliminating shame and judgment.<\/p>\n

2. Transform adversity into a resource by recognizing that whatever you\u2019ve endured has made you a stronger person.<\/p>\n

3. Take responsibility for your life in the present by becoming your own good caregiver rather than wait for others to fill in the gaps. Don\u2019t blame others for what you didn\u2019t get in childhood.<\/p>\n

4. Create healthy boundaries. Learn how to say \u201cno,\u201d \u201cyes,\u201d or \u201cmaybe\u201d as is appropriate to the requests of others.<\/p>\n

5. Empower yourself by embracing the notion that you are in charge of your own choices. Acknowledge that very rarely are we true victims in adulthood.<\/p>\n

6. Recognize that you are only responsible for your own feelings and actions. Don\u2019t burden yourself with trying to control what others do, say, or think.<\/p>\n

7. Practice ongoing self-care. Be kind to yourself, create balance between work, play and rest, and regularly acknowledge the value of your contributions.<\/p>\n

By practicing these tips you can create better relationships in the workplace. Granted, others whom you encounter may not be repairing their wounds as you are, but you can still keep the energy more positive by having a good handle on your own behavior. And, should you find yourself getting stuck, don\u2019t be afraid to seek professional help. Thrivers use all possible resources!<\/p>\n

Visit Dr. Debra<\/span><\/a> at drdebraonline.com<\/a>. Her next book, Don\u2019t Call Me a Drama Queen: A Guide For the Overly Sensitive and Their Significant Others Who Need to Learn to Lighten Up and Go With the Flow!<\/span> will be published in October. She practices out of Thousand Oaks and Encino CA.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve been writing about how to live more in the NOW and not let past issues influence your present mood, decisions and view of your life in general. We often carry old baggage into work. If you develop workplace relationships based on things that happened with others in the past, it can adversely affect your…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-199","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first"],"yoast_head":"\nStaying in the Present at Work - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/08\/staying-in-the-present-at-work.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Staying in the Present at Work - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I\u2019ve been writing about how to live more in the NOW and not let past issues influence your present mood, decisions and view of your life in general. 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Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. 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