{"id":1982,"date":"2011-09-23T12:01:42","date_gmt":"2011-09-23T16:01:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=1982"},"modified":"2011-08-18T22:40:38","modified_gmt":"2011-08-19T02:40:38","slug":"putting-criticism-into-perspective","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/putting-criticism-into-perspective.html","title":{"rendered":"Putting Criticism into Perspective"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>No matter what you do, it seems like there\u2019s always someone ready to find fault. Whether it\u2019s a colleague, parent, friend, romantic partner, neighbor or boss, it\u2019s not unusual to experience someone who thinks you could have:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Done it better
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Been smarter about your decisions
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Worn something more appropriate
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Worked harder<\/p>\n

And many more things people like to pick on. Some people are perfectionists and can\u2019t appreciate anything that\u2019s not done exactly as they think it should be. That doesn\u2019t even mean they\u2019re right but they act like they know best and look for things they can correct or show you how to do better. It can be very annoying and put you on the defensive. In my DoorMat days I\u2019d succumb to their words and apologize for not doing something \u201cright\u201d or let them take my already sinking self-esteem down another notch.<\/p>\n

Since perfection is impossible, not doing something as perfectly as someone else wanted does not make me a failure, wrong or a loser. Now I know better.<\/p>\n

The only opinion that truly matters is the one YOU form about YOU. It\u2019s not necessary to live up to someone else\u2019s standards. You can only do your best. I agree that if I really don\u2019t try or my actions were done without thinking and I wish I had thought out my course better, I might take their words more seriously. Sometimes we do need a reminder not to slack off or take things for granted. But I no longer beat myself up because someone\u2019s estimation of me falls short of my view.<\/p>\n

Abraham Lincoln said, “I do the very best I know how – the very best I can; and mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what is said against me won’t amount to anything.”<\/strong><\/p>\n

Everyone makes mistakes or has bad days and can\u2019t do something with 100% precision and that\u2019s okay. It\u2019s part of being human. You can only do your best and if you feel you did, don\u2019t let people make you feel badly.<\/strong> Your best is the only thing you can do. If your boss doesn\u2019t accept your best, it\u2019s time to look for a new job. If your mom or a friend continues to pick apart what you do, limit time with the person and set boundaries. Nicely explain their analysis is unwanted and unacceptable, and you won\u2019t listen any more. See the person less and walk out or hang up the phone.<\/p>\n

Never forget\u2014you can always do your best!<\/p>\n

When I finally changed my perspective about criticism, I also changed my response to people. In the past when someone expressed things they saw as my shortcomings or disappointment that I didn\u2019t do something they felt should be better, I used to just wince and squirm, either saying I was sorry or not saying anything. Now I screen their comments through a filter of self-love. I look them in the eye and say that I did my best and will keep trying to do my best.<\/p>\n

If the criticism has some validity, I ask them for specific suggestions for how I can improve in the future. If they just give me empty criticism, I end the conversation quickly. If someone regularly picks on me, I nicely tell them that I can judge myself and I\u2019d appreciate them keeping their comments to themselves. If they have a constructive suggestion that will benefit me, fine. But if they\u2019re just telling me why I wasn\u2019t good enough, I will no longer listen.<\/p>\n

Set boundaries on what people can tell you. If it hurts, it isn\u2019t acceptable!<\/p>\n

Let the person know in the future you will walk away or hang up the phone if they give you unasked for input. Acknowledge that they might be saying it to help you but you still don\u2019t want it. Since you can only do your best, perfection may not be possible, since it isn\u2019t possible for most people. Don\u2019t get angry. Just inform.<\/strong> And if they don\u2019t like the new rules of the game, it\u2019s THEIR problem, not yours. If necessary, you might have to limit time with the person or cut him or her off completely.<\/p>\n

You deserve to be treated with respect,<\/strong> and that includes not enduring hurtful comments. Be aware of who criticizes you and how it makes you feel. If you feel bad each time, stop the pattern of being a target for people\u2019s judgments. You can nicely set the boundaries to do it. Love yourself enough to protect yourself from words that hurt!
\n***************<\/p>\n

Take the self-love challenge<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a>. And you can post your loving acts HERE<\/a><\/strong> to reinforce your intention to love yourself. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

No matter what you do, it seems like there\u2019s always someone ready to find fault. Whether it\u2019s a colleague, parent, friend, romantic partner, neighbor or boss, it\u2019s not unusual to experience someone who thinks you could have: \u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Done it better \u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Been smarter about your decisions \u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Worn something more appropriate \u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Worked harder…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,2,15],"tags":[99],"class_list":["post-1982","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nice-people-can-finish-first","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-criticism"],"yoast_head":"\nPutting Criticism into Perspective - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/putting-criticism-into-perspective.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Putting Criticism into Perspective - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"No matter what you do, it seems like there\u2019s always someone ready to find fault. Whether it\u2019s a colleague, parent, friend, romantic partner, neighbor or boss, it\u2019s not unusual to experience someone who thinks you could have: \u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Done it better \u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Been smarter about your decisions \u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Worn something more appropriate \u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Worked harder…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/putting-criticism-into-perspective.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2011-09-23T16:01:42+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2011-08-19T02:40:38+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2011\/08\/mouth-criticizing.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Daylle Deanna Schwartz\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Putting Criticism into Perspective - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/putting-criticism-into-perspective.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Putting Criticism into Perspective - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","og_description":"No matter what you do, it seems like there\u2019s always someone ready to find fault. Whether it\u2019s a colleague, parent, friend, romantic partner, neighbor or boss, it\u2019s not unusual to experience someone who thinks you could have: \u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Done it better \u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Been smarter about your decisions \u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Worn something more appropriate \u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Worked harder…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/putting-criticism-into-perspective.html","og_site_name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","article_published_time":"2011-09-23T16:01:42+00:00","article_modified_time":"2011-08-19T02:40:38+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2011\/08\/mouth-criticizing.jpg"}],"author":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/putting-criticism-into-perspective.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/putting-criticism-into-perspective.html","name":"Putting Criticism into Perspective - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/putting-criticism-into-perspective.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/putting-criticism-into-perspective.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2011\/08\/mouth-criticizing.jpg","datePublished":"2011-09-23T16:01:42+00:00","dateModified":"2011-08-19T02:40:38+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/putting-criticism-into-perspective.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/putting-criticism-into-perspective.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/putting-criticism-into-perspective.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2011\/08\/mouth-criticizing.jpg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/files\/2011\/08\/mouth-criticizing.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/putting-criticism-into-perspective.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Putting Criticism into Perspective"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/","name":"Lessons from a Recovering Doormat","description":"Beliefnet Voices - Daylle Deanna Schwartz","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/4250884f68a588907744baa491f9df35","name":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-content\/wphb-cache\/gravatar\/83b\/83ba6e1423377712fe408a5fab971bfax96.jpg","caption":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz"},"description":"Daylle Deanna Schwartz is a speaker, self-empowerment counselor, best-selling author of 15 books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill), All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise and founder of The Self-Love Movement\u2122 where she's giving away her 13th book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1982","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1982"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1982\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1987,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1982\/revisions\/1987"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1982"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1982"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1982"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}