{"id":1951,"date":"2011-09-15T12:01:35","date_gmt":"2011-09-15T16:01:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=1951"},"modified":"2011-08-23T11:38:55","modified_gmt":"2011-08-23T15:38:55","slug":"the-price-of-personal-battles","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/the-price-of-personal-battles.html","title":{"rendered":"The Price of Personal Battles"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Often we fight with someone and get our way but it damages the relationship. I’ve always lived by “Choose your battles.” Sometimes it can be hard to determine which battles aren’t worth it. That’s why I\u2019m delighted to have Noelle C. Nelson<\/a>, Ph.D. as my guest today. She is a relationship expert, popular speaker in the U.S. and abroad, and author of nine best-selling books, including her most recent, Your Man is Wonderful<\/a> and Dangerous Relationships<\/a>. Dr. Nelson focuses on how we can all enjoy happy, fulfilling lives while accomplishing great things in love, at home and at work, as we appreciate ourselves, our world and all others. Here’s her take on what can happen if you win the battle:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Win the Battle, Lose the Love
\nBy Noelle C. Nelson<\/a>, Ph.D.<\/strong><\/p>\n

You throw the credit card bill in the middle of the kitchen table with a victorious flourish. Ta-da! You were right. HE\u2019s the one who maxed out the card. HE\u2019s the one who spent needless dollars on some foolish whats-it that wasn\u2019t in the budget. HE\u2019s the one who puts his selfish needs above the good of the family. HE\u2026well, HE walked out of the room. Fine, who cares. You gloat happily.<\/p>\n

Or SHE\u2019s the one who drank all the OJ and didn\u2019t replace it. SHE\u2019s the one who can\u2019t load a dishwasher properly, which even your ten-year old knows how to do. SHE\u2019s the one who forgets to write in appointments on the family calendar. SHE\u2026well, SHE ran crying to the bedroom to call her mother and lament how horrible you are. Fine, who cares. You gloat.<\/p>\n

You won the battle. Good for you. You\u2019re well on your way to losing the love, however. Bad for you.<\/p>\n

Oh, it feels great to be right, gallop into righteousness, and sling a load of blame at your mate. You feel triumphant, the \u201cgood guy\u201d regardless of gender. And indeed, many would take your side and say \u201cYou tell \u2018em.\u201d<\/p>\n

But here\u2019s the problem: you\u2019re a couple, not warring factions. If you want to remain a couple, then issues must be dealt with AS a couple. When you focus on your partner\u2019s shortcomings as something to hit them with, you distance yourself from them in order to blame your spouse: \u201cI\u2019m right, you\u2019re wrong. Nah-nah-ni-nah-nah.\u201d<\/p>\n

The more you distance yourself from your beloved, the harder it is to come back together in tender, loving ways. The more often you distance yourself, the more difficult it becomes for them to even summon up the desire to come back together in love and trust.<\/p>\n

Oh great, you say, so I should just let him\/her get away with all these things they\u2019re doing wrong? Of course not. You\u2019d still have those hurt, angry or irritated feelings which would go unchecked and unresolved \u2013 distancing yourself from the love.<\/p>\n

The solution is to view your issues as an \u201cus\u201d dilemma, not a \u201cyou\u2019re bad\/wrong\u201d attack. He maxed out the cards on what you see as a frivolous expense? Sit down together and review the budget. Maybe you forgot to factor in spending money for each of you. Maybe what to you is frivolous is a necessity to him. Talk about it, don\u2019t fight about it. Seek to understand where your mate is coming from rather than bashing him over the head with your supposed superiority. When you come from a place of understanding, or seeking to understand, good things always happen.<\/p>\n

She gobbled the OJ, loads the dishwasher differently than you do, forgets to write in appointments? Same drill. Sit down and talk together about how these things impact your together life and brainstorm solutions. Maybe some of it doesn\u2019t really matter. Like the dishwashing issue. Maybe as long as dishes are clean, you can live with it. But more importantly, seek to understand your differences, not kill each other with them. When you feel a blame-fit coming on, ask yourself: What\u2019s important here? Winning this particular battle? Or keeping our love alive and thriving? The choice is yours.
\n————<\/p>\n

For more, on Dr. Nelson, visit her website<\/a> and check out her blog, http:\/\/www.yourmaniswonderful.com\/blog.
\n<\/a>————<\/p>\n

Take the self-love challenge<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a>. And you can post your loving acts HERE<\/a><\/strong> to reinforce your intention to love yourself. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Often we fight with someone and get our way but it damages the relationship. I’ve always lived by “Choose your battles.” Sometimes it can be hard to determine which battles aren’t worth it. That’s why I\u2019m delighted to have Noelle C. Nelson, Ph.D. as my guest today. She is a relationship expert, popular speaker in…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[127,126,128],"class_list":["post-1951","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-self-empowerment-confidence","tag-choose-your-battles","tag-noelle-c-nelson","tag-relationship-problems"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Price of Personal Battles - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/the-price-of-personal-battles.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Price of Personal Battles - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Often we fight with someone and get our way but it damages the relationship. I’ve always lived by “Choose your battles.” Sometimes it can be hard to determine which battles aren’t worth it. That’s why I\u2019m delighted to have Noelle C. Nelson, Ph.D. as my guest today. 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