{"id":1940,"date":"2011-09-30T12:01:18","date_gmt":"2011-09-30T16:01:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=1940"},"modified":"2011-08-18T22:30:00","modified_gmt":"2011-08-19T02:30:00","slug":"guarding-your-time","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/guarding-your-time.html","title":{"rendered":"Guarding Your Time"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>\u201cDo you have a few minutes for me to pick your brain?\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll be visiting NY and would like to meet you for a cup of coffee to ask you some questions.\u201d I hear this all the time from fans of my books; people who I barely know. And it seems everyone I know has someone they know in a band or who wants to break into the music industry. Since I write bestselling books on doing that for Billboard, they want me to give that person some advice.<\/p>\n

These kinds of requests can create negative emotions for me. Overall, they tell me those people don\u2019t value what I do enough to recognize I should get paid for my services, like any other person in business. My knowledge is worth a lot more than a cup of coffee, or even lunch. I do consulting as part of my business, but people seem to think it\u2019s okay to pick my brain for free since I\u2019m a nice person. Once I hired a publicist for a lot of money and she asked me to talk to her son as a favor. I paid her for her services but was supposed to give mine away!<\/p>\n

When you have skills or knowledge that can help people, some can act entitled to get help from you because you know what they don\u2019t. But that doesn\u2019t mean you have to give it.<\/p>\n

All of this can kill your time! And, it\u2019s uncomfortable to turn them down. Many of us get suckered into helping people with things we should get paid for or just shouldn\u2019t be called on to do because we don\u2019t know how to say no<\/strong>. When I was a DoorMat there was very little I wouldn\u2019t do for anyone. Most of the time I felt many negative emotions after, as do many people I speak with:<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Anger that people expect you to give your services away for free
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Frustration that you have less time for what you want to do
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Disappointment that they gave you little in return
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Resentment to be put in the situation
\n\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Annoyance at yourself for not being able to turn them down.<\/p>\n

None of those emotions feel good! I finally decided to set boundaries as I became more empowered.\u00a0 While I still HATE being put in the position of having to let someone know they\u2019re out of line in asking for my services for free, or just to say no to requests, I do it because I love me enough to want to guard my time. Sometimes they respond with annoyance or full blown anger when I turn down their request or say that I\u2019m wrong not to answer their questions since they read my book. I accept my right to choose what to give my time to and that people who ask for your services as a favor are the ones out of line.<\/p>\n

If you have a skill or knowledge or anything else people want from you, honor it, protect it and value it enough not to give it away to anyone who asks.<\/p>\n

There are people I like who never ask and I’ve offered to give them some suggestions, because I believe in them and want them to succeed. But then it\u2019s my choice to do it, not an obligation because I\u2019ve been put on the spot. So I\u2019ve made an effort to guard my time. When I get emails asking to meet for coffee to pick my brain or someone who wants to ask me some questions, I write back that what they\u2019re asking for falls under my consulting hat, and are they interested in my rates? If someone verbally asks, I ask back if they\u2019re interested in making an appointment with me as a consultant.<\/p>\n

Yes, I sometimes get nasty responses back, like I should feel privileged to share my knowledge with others, even if I don\u2019t know them. I no longer feel guilty. THE PEOPLE asking should! Asking for 5 minutes of time is guaranteed to take a half hour. And doing that for many people means I\u2019ll never be able to write another book as the number of requests would consume all my time. So I say I can\u2019t, and let them know I\u2019ll forward my rates if they\u2019d like.<\/p>\n

You need to pay attention to what people ask of you that makes you short on time for what you\u2019d like to do.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve had \u201cfriends\u201d who only called when they were having relationship problems. Otherwise I didn\u2019t hear from them. When I realized these people just wanted my advice and didn\u2019t even offer friendship to me, I asked if they want to hire me as their counselor since that\u2019s what I do as a profession. The were greatly taken aback but got the message. I do however, offer lots of support to friends who support me back.<\/p>\n

Decide what\u2019s most important to you<\/strong>: troubleshooting in someone\u2019s computer or spending the day hiking? Watching someone\u2019s kids or taking your own to the zoo? Listening to someone\u2019s drama, over and over, or reading a book? Doing someone\u2019s taxes or watching a game on TV? You decide. I guard my time carefully now that I\u2019m not a DoorMat as an act of self-love. And if people don\u2019t like it, oh well! I still hate being asked but now I\u2019m more prepared with answers to stop the demands of people who don\u2019t understand I should get paid for what they want from me. I use the positive emotions I feel from having more time for me as a shield against people\u2019s negative responses.<\/p>\n

You owe it to yourself to guard your time. Love yourself enough to make an effort to! Your time is yours to keep or give away.<\/strong> Make a point of setting boundaries on how you use it so you can enjoy life more!
\n*********************<\/p>\n

Take the self-love challenge<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a>. And you can post your loving acts HERE<\/a><\/strong> to reinforce your intention to love yourself. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cDo you have a few minutes for me to pick your brain?\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll be visiting NY and would like to meet you for a cup of coffee to ask you some questions.\u201d I hear this all the time from fans of my books; people who I barely know. And it seems everyone I know has…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,15],"tags":[27,137],"class_list":["post-1940","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-self-love","tag-time"],"yoast_head":"\nGuarding Your Time - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/09\/guarding-your-time.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Guarding Your Time - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"\u201cDo you have a few minutes for me to pick your brain?\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll be visiting NY and would like to meet you for a cup of coffee to ask you some questions.\u201d I hear this all the time from fans of my books; people who I barely know. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1940","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1940"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1940\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2022,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1940\/revisions\/2022"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1940"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1940"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1940"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}