{"id":1911,"date":"2012-01-30T12:01:47","date_gmt":"2012-01-30T17:01:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=1911"},"modified":"2012-01-07T13:40:38","modified_gmt":"2012-01-07T18:40:38","slug":"the-self-loving-gift-of-autonomy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/01\/the-self-loving-gift-of-autonomy.html","title":{"rendered":"The Self-Loving Gift of Autonomy"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/em>Today is Day 30 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month<\/a><\/strong> with suggestions for jumpstarting your own self-love.<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/em>DoorMats go along with what others want. MANY people look to others for a life and get obsessed with finding a romantic partner. I did this even when I left DoorMatville. Old habits die hard. I was brought up to believe I needed a man to complete me, like many women do. Couples often melt into each other and become a \u201cwe\u201d instead of each being an \u201cI.\u201d As I said in my post, People Withdrawal<\/strong><\/a>, I spent a year on my own after blowing off most of my so-called friends who didn\u2019t treat me well. By doing so, I gave myself one of the greatest gifts:<\/p>\n

Autonomy!<\/strong> Being comfortable in your own company and making choices based on your own needs is the key to happiness.<\/p>\n

During the years that I searched for a man to complete me, I was stressed, Instead of focusing on the good in my life, I lived to find \u201cMr. Right.\u201d Men could smell my desperation and ran. When I\u2019d meet a potential boyfriend, all my people pleasing \u201cskills\u201d were dispensed to keep him happy. It took me a long time to realize I wasn\u2019t happy since I\u2019d made my needs unimportant.\u00a0 I was so scared of being alone that I went along with what anyone who might spend time with me wanted.<\/p>\n

During the year of self-isolation, I learned to enjoy my own company and pushed through my fear of loneliness. It was refreshing to learn that alone doesn\u2019t mean lonely<\/strong>. I loved choosing my activities and making my own decisions. I became most important in my life so what others wanted wasn\u2019t so important. I had little to lose by not being a people pleaser. I had me! And I now know that\u2019s all I need. So it wasn\u2019t surprising when I read that a report in the Journal of Personality\u00a0and Social Psychology that said of all the factors we see contributing to our happiness, there was one that rose to the top like cream\u2014having autonomy!<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yes, having a life based on YOUR choices and desires\u2014where YOU own your life and others don\u2019t dictate your path\u2014is the top contributor to happiness.<\/p>\n

As a recovering DoorMat I believe this completely as being autonomous keeps me happy every day. It allows me to relax when there\u2019s no guy in my life or my friends are too busy to make plans. It motivates me to pursue my passions and feel comfortable, and actually joyous when I\u2019m alone. Autonomy allows you to take control of your life. If you feel you don\u2019t have a sense of autonomy in your own life, take a step towards developing it.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Do an activity alone<\/strong>. Go to a restaurant with a book or magazine. I often take my laptop out to eat. Go at quiet times if it feels better. Try a coffee shop first if that\u2019s more comfortable. Get one ticket to a show you want to see. Do something you enjoy that you\u2019ve never done alone before. You can choose when to go, where to eat and relax by doing it on your own terms.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Plan a day on your own in advance<\/strong>. Decide what you\u2019re going to do for a whole day. In nice weather I plan a long walk, brunch, and shopping. Or a hike on my own. In the winter I may stay in bed for hours, guilt free watching movies or reading. It\u2019s YOUR day so do what you enjoy.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Take a class to learn a skill you\u2019ve wanted to learn or just for pleasure<\/strong>. Take a dance class, or whatever makes you smile. You might meet some new people with your interests and come home revved to continue doing what you learned.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Go out for a drink by yourself.<\/strong> When I was building my autonomy, I was still uncomfortable going to a bar alone. I\u2019m not a big drinker so it seemed like no big deal. Even when I was meeting a friend at one, I hated arriving first. So I had to get over it! One night I had no plans and felt in the mood for a drink at a bar I love. So I walked down to it, early in the evening and had one drink. I talked to people, sipped my beer and people watched. I was relaxed after a few minutes and enjoyed it. It increased my confidence!<\/p>\n

Doing these things showed me I could go anywhere, with or without a companion since I always have me. I\u2019m my true best friend. I enjoy my own company, which is amazing since I used to treat people to go places with me so I wouldn\u2019t have to go alone. Having autonomy does keep me happy all the time so the report is right. Build your autonomy and enjoy the rewards of owning your life.<\/strong>
\n*********************<\/p>\n

Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Challenge<\/strong><\/a>–a pledge to do something loving for yourself for the next 31 days–and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a><\/strong>. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts from 2011 <\/strong>HERE<\/a><\/strong><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Today is Day 30 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month with suggestions for jumpstarting your own self-love. DoorMats go along with what others want. MANY people look to others for a life and get obsessed with finding a romantic partner. I did this even when I left DoorMatville. Old habits…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,15],"tags":[118],"class_list":["post-1911","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-autonomy"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Self-Loving Gift of Autonomy - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2012\/01\/the-self-loving-gift-of-autonomy.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Self-Loving Gift of Autonomy - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Today is Day 30 of my 31 Days of Self-Love posts to celebrate Self-Love Month with suggestions for jumpstarting your own self-love. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. Daylle uses her writing and speaking to help others find the kind of contentment and empowerment that she has.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/author\/dschwartz"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1911","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/83"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1911"}],"version-history":[{"count":15,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1911\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2684,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1911\/revisions\/2684"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1911"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1911"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1911"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}