{"id":19,"date":"2010-03-26T16:18:00","date_gmt":"2010-03-26T16:18:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2010\/03\/kindness-vs-doormat.html"},"modified":"2010-03-26T16:18:00","modified_gmt":"2010-03-26T16:18:00","slug":"kindness-vs-doormat","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2010\/03\/kindness-vs-doormat.html","title":{"rendered":"Kindness vs. DoorMat"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>This week Anonymous asked a question in the comments on my first post of this blog, Recovering from DoorMat Syndrome<\/a>. The answer wasn\u2019t simple and there are lessons in this situation that can help many of you so I\u2019m addressing it here. Anon (who I\u2019ll identify as \u201cshe\u201d though I have no idea about who this person is) explained that for years she\u2019s cared for her neighbor’s pets when they go away\u2014several times a month. The husband travels for work and his wife usually accompanies him. Anon has compassion for the animals since if she doesn\u2019t care for them, nobody does. But it\u2019s taking its toll on her as it\u2019s a bit of work and time. But Anon has her own dog to look after.<\/p>\n

Anon works from home sometimes, like I do, and people often think that means we\u2019re on call for their needs since we\u2019re home.<\/span><\/p>\n

When the wife had surgery and was on crutches, Anon was asked to look in on her. She wrote that she had the flu but felt obligated to check up on the wife. Anon had a lot of work to do and felt worse than the wife on crutches, who was able to travel with her husband on them but needed Anon to help when she was home. Anon feels obligated to keep helping and has compassion for the pets. Kind people can get a stronger sense of obligation to pick up other people\u2019s pieces when compassion is strong. There are lessons in this:<\/p>\n

Lesson 1: Being home DOES NOT mean available to others for favors!<\/span><\/p>\n

Anon is concerned that if she says no, they can see she\u2019s \u201chome and available.\u201d You’re entitled to take care of your own needs, including enjoying free time if you have some. Since I work at home, people think I can listen to their problems at any time or get together for lunch or keep them company when they have free time. It used to drive me crazy until I learned the truth. You have a right to be busy when you\u2019re home, even if you\u2019re busy reading a book.<\/p>\n

Lesson 2: You do NOT have to give your time away just because you have some or others think you can rearrange your schedule for them<\/span>.<\/p>\n

Your time is YOUR time. YOURS! To share or use for what YOU like. I\u2019ve had to set some strong boundaries with people who thought it was okay to call or stop by any time. Unless I say otherwise, I\u2019m off-limits during the week from 9-6. My boss is tough about this. I\u2019M the boss and make rules to take care of ME. It\u2019s important to do have them with people who feel they can infringe on your time.<\/p>\n

Lesson 3: Instead of saying no each time, let people know what restriction you have for giving time to others.<\/span><\/p>\n

Of course you should help when you can. But in the case of Anon, she wasn\u2019t asked for favors. Her neighbors assumed it as a given when they \u201casked.\u201d Anon calls it asking. I don\u2019t. It was basically telling her when they\u2019d be away and thanks for helping out. Asking offers a choice. It was never Anon\u2019s choice. It was her permanent job, on a frequent basis.<\/p>\n

Lesson 4: DoorMats delude themselves about calling obligation favors. But it\u2019s not a favor if was not your choice or desire to do it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Being a DoorMat stirs obligations. Recovering from it give you choices. It\u2019s better to avoid any favors that can become habits by always saying yes. Then people expect you too, as in Anon\u2019s case. She got herself into a rut she feels stuck in. And you can\u2019t blame people who take advantage if YOU let them! It\u2019s your responsibility to set boundaries and help people break the habit of always expecting you to help out with something. You can learn the Power of Saying No!<\/a><\/p>\n

Lesson 5: Someone else\u2019s situation isn\u2019t your responsibility.<\/span><\/p>\n

The glue that keeps Anon stuck is compassion for her neighbor\u2019s pets. Anon says that nobody will care for them if she doesn\u2019t. Somehow I think the neighbors will have to find another solution, or the neighbors should be reported for abuse. THEIR animals aren\u2019t her responsibility. The neighbors enjoy traveling together several times a month while Anon plays the martyr at home, for the sake of the pets. When I was a DoorMat I\u2019d have done the same thing! Today I\u2019d tell them they must make other arrangements, and they will. Or they can get rid of their pets since they\u2019re gone so much.<\/p>\n

Lesson 6: No one can take advantage of you unless you say yes!<\/span><\/p>\n

You can turn people down and set boundaries. It\u2019s your choice to acquiesce to a request. Think before you say yes. You can say no without saying no<\/a>. The neighbors give Anon gifts for her services. She doesn\u2019t need them. Some people think they can buy someone\u2019s favors. But they don\u2019t make up for what she loses. This situation makes Anon unhappy. That\u2019s a good reason to tell them that it\u2019s become too much for her and she can\u2019t do it anymore. Maybe once in a while. But not several times a month for days.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s no need to explain too much. You don\u2019t owe the recipient of your favors a lengthy excuse since you\u2019re doing nothing wrong by bowing out. Explain that it\u2019s interfering with other things you have to do or that it wears you out too much or whatever comes to mind. Don\u2019t apologize profusely. I\u2019d preface it with \u201cI\u2019ve been doing____ for years and hope that you appreciate what it took for me to do it but I can\u2019t continue for many reasons.\u201d You don\u2019t have to tell the reasons. It\u2019s your RIGHT to choose how you spend your time. Suggest they find a teen in the neighborhood that they can pay to do it. Continue to be friendly.<\/p>\n

Lesson 7: Being a good person (neighbor, friend, co-worker etc.) does not mean sacrificing your time, pleasure, sanity, health.<\/span><\/p>\n

Anon also said that the neighbors do other annoying things but she tries to be a good neighbor despite this. Redefine good neighbor. Wave hello. Bring their trashcan to the curb if it rolls away. Loan some sugar. But being a permanent pet caretaker is above and beyond, unless you love them so much you look forward to spending time with them. Of course it\u2019s fine to do favors when you don\u2019t mind or want to help someone you care about.<\/p>\n

But when you find yourself complaining about it or resenting the person, it\u2019s time to stop!<\/span><\/p>\n

Years ago I had a friend who traveled for work a month at a time occasionally. I offered to get her mail and water her few plants once a week. I knew how much it meant to her to know her place was in safe hands and was happy to do it. It was no big deal to walk to her place once a week. Watering took about 10 minutes. I love taking a walk and there was no schedule to contend with like caring for pets. If I was a day or 2 early or late it didn\u2019t matter. She always brought me over the top gifts, which were unnecessary, and took me out for a nice dinner when she returned. But I just did it to give a friend peace of mind while traveling.<\/p>\n

Anon\u2019s neighbors aren\u2019t her friends. They\u2019re her burden. I advise her to take steps to end this obligation. If it\u2019s uncomfortable, slowly back out. Make excuse
\ns request by request until you break their habit of asking. DoorMats jump to do favors at their own expense, which is NOT NICE. Nice people on top set boundaries.<\/p>\n

Kindness doesn\u2019t mean always helping out. It means doing what you can when you can.<\/span> Be kind to yourself and set boundaries with others! You\u2019ll be happy you did!<\/p>\n

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and\/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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