{"id":186,"date":"2008-09-11T11:52:00","date_gmt":"2008-09-11T11:52:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/09\/how-to-be-irresistible-to-your-mate.html"},"modified":"2008-09-11T11:52:00","modified_gmt":"2008-09-11T11:52:00","slug":"how-to-be-irresistible-to-your-mate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2008\/09\/how-to-be-irresistible-to-your-mate.html","title":{"rendered":"How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>
I’m delighted to have Tina Tessina, Ph.D. back as my guest. Tina is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in California. She\u2019s the author of many books, including the best selling, The 10 Smartest Decisions A Woman Can Make Before 40 Money<\/span><\/a>, and her newest, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage<\/span><\/a> (Adams Media, 2008). Tina also writes the “Dr. Romance” column on Yahoo! Personals and MUCH more! Here she has suggestions for being a more enticing romantic partner.<\/p>\n

How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate<\/span>
(adapted from Money, Sex and Kids: \u00a9 Tina B.Tessina, 2006)
By Tina Tessina, Ph.D.<\/p>\n

Once upon a time, In high school, I memorized a poem that has been a constant source of help and direction in my life and relationships. It\u2019s simple and much more sentimental than today\u2019s cynical age can handle, but the very simplicity of it made it a great navigational tool for me in relationships.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe drew a circle that shut me out;
Heretic, Rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the Wit to Win.
We drew a circle that took him in\u201d
\u2013 Edwin Markham<\/p>\n

So many couples I see in my office are in trouble because they have a knee-jerk oppositional response to each other\u2014they\u2019re defensive and critical, rather than welcoming and understanding. They don\u2019t seem to realize that listening and understanding your partner doesn\u2019t necessarily mean you agree with everything that partner wants or thinks<\/span>. Being pleasant doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re a patsy, and it\u2019s more effective to be loving than to be right.<\/p>\n

Guidelines for Being Irresistible to Your Mate<\/span><\/p>\n

1. Don\u2019t resist, listen.<\/span> We often have a knee-jerk negative response to what a mate tells us, or wants to do. Instead of replying negatively \u201cThat won\u2019t work…\u201d \u201cWe can\u2019t do that…\u201d Try listening and thinking for a few seconds more. You may find out your initial response changes, and at any rate, listening and understanding is not the same as agreeing.<\/p>\n

2. Look your mate in the eyes and smile<\/span>. Unless your partner is talking about something really sad (job loss, death, etc.) where a smile would be inappropriate, look him or her in the eyes and smile while you\u2019re listening. Your companion will automatically feel more understood and cared about, which will change the feeling level of the discussion.<\/p>\n

3. Touch each other<\/span>. Sit near your significant other, and gently place your hand on his or her shoulder, leg, or arm. If you\u2019re in the car, lightly touch his or her shoulder or arm. You\u2019ll find your conversation becomes warmer and more caring.<\/p>\n

4. Try laughter<\/span>. If something frustrating is happening, try easing the tension with a bit of humor. After a difficult interaction in a store, on the way out, you could say \u201cThat went well.\u201d with a touch of irony. Or, when someone drops something and makes a mess, you could say \u201cthe gremlins are here again.\u201d Or use comedienne Gilda Radner\u2019s line \u201cIt\u2019s always something\u201d Or Judy Tenuta\u2019s \u201cIt could happen\u201d to change stress to silliness. Don\u2019t poke fun at your mate, but use shared humor as a way to say \u201cI know this is tough, but we\u2019ll get through it.\u201d Your mate will think of you as someone soothing and helpful to have around when problems happen.<\/p>\n

5. Use pleasant surprises<\/span>. Try a love note in your spouse\u2019s briefcase, a post-it with a smiley face on the underside of the toilet seat, a flower, plant, card or balloon for no reason, or an unexpected gentle pat on the rear, a hug or a kiss to say \u201cI\u2019m thinking good thoughts about you, and I love you.\u201d<\/p>\n

6. Ramp up the sweetness<\/span>. Married life has its unavoidable stresses and strains. To keep things in balance, we need to put a bit of energy into increasing the sweetness between us. Thoughtfulness, \u201cthank you\u2019s\u201d and gestures of politeness and affection are the WD-40 of your marriage. Keep things running smoothly by remembering to add a spritz of sweetness frequently.<\/p>\n

7. Devote time to your marriage.<\/span> No matter how crazed you are with work, kids and bills, it\u2019s essential to put aside regular time each week for the marriage. Have a \u201cdate night\u201d which includes a \u201cstate of the union\u201d discussion (include the positive things going on) or take a pleasant walk or drive. Keeping connected means things don\u2019t build up to fighting status, and you\u2019ll remember how good you are together. Don\u2019t forget to celebrate and appreciate each other. Motivation comes from celebration and appreciation.<\/p>\n

8. Focus on Partnership<\/span>. Remember that first and foremost, before anything else, you\u2019re partners. Keep that in mind and check frequently to make sure you\u2019re acting like partners, and not competitors or avoiders. You\u2019re in this thing together, and partnership is what it\u2019s all about.<\/p>\n

9. Reminisce about Good Times<\/span>. \u201cRemember when….\u201d is a great start to a loving conversation. It creates so much good feeling to remember how you were when you were dating, when you got married, when you first bought your house, when you had your first child, when you got that promotion. Reminding yourselves of your solid history together is a way to increase your bond.<\/p>\n

10. Brag to friends in your mate\u2019s hearing<\/span>. Of course, tell your mate to his or her face how much you care, but also be sure to tell your friends, while your mate is around, what a great guy or gal you married. \u201cHarold is so thoughtful. Today he helped me around the house.\u201d Or \u201cSue is such a great mom. She really gives the kids a sense that they\u2019re loved and she still keeps them toeing the mark.\u201d Or, \u201cDid you hear? Fred got a big promotion. I\u2019m so proud of him.\u201d Or, \u201cI don\u2019t know what I\u2019d do without Judy. She\u2019s so great with money.\u201d Or \u201cDoesn\u2019t my sweetie look great today? I\u2019m so lucky.\u201d Don\u2019t worry if your partner looks embarrassed. He or she will also be pleased, and remember your brag for a long time.
————————-<\/p>\n

Check out Tina Tessina’s book, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage<\/span><\/a> (Adams Media, 2008). You can subscribe to her free <\/span>newsletter: “Happiness Tips from Tina<\/span>” on her site, http:\/\/www.tinatessina.com<\/a><\/p>\n

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and\/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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I’m delighted to have Tina Tessina, Ph.D. back as my guest. Tina is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in California. 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