{"id":1859,"date":"2011-07-29T12:01:09","date_gmt":"2011-07-29T16:01:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=1859"},"modified":"2011-07-07T09:44:41","modified_gmt":"2011-07-07T13:44:41","slug":"mustering-empathy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/07\/mustering-empathy.html","title":{"rendered":"Mustering Empathy"},"content":{"rendered":"

People can be annoying. NO doubt about it! But I do believe that even when someone does something you know they did purposely against you, there\u2019s a reason, and it\u2019s probably not you. Our behavior often reflects emotions that we\u2019ve experienced, or that are responses to situations in your life<\/strong>. Someone may snap at you for apparently no reason, or say something mean, or do something behind your back, or a number of other negative things. The common response to those things is anger, saying something mean back, keeping the negative emotions alive by complaining to everyone, etc.<\/p>\n

I used to do all f those things, especially when I was a DoorMat. When someone did something I felt was wrong, I\u2019d stew over it, long after the incident and complain to anyone who\u2019d listen. \u201cHow dare she say that to me?\u201d \u201cWhy didn\u2019t he keep his word?\u201d It often stayed with me for a long time. Back then I didn\u2019t realize I took what the person did, magnified it, and kept the negative emotions alive so it continued to hurt me long after it happened. Even when I become more empowered, I still responded to negative behavior the way I always had and felt angry a lot—until it hit me.<\/p>\n

People act the way they do from their own negative memories or situations and I needed to have more empathy.<\/p>\n

When that light bulb of awareness went on, it illuminated things I hadn\u2019t paid attention to and allowed me to forgive more easily. Years ago I had a friend (Laura) who moved to NY without knowing a soul but me. I did a lot for her during the first few months and she was very grateful. Then she began to do things that were very selfish. Laura hit on a guy who came to my birthday celebration for me, and left with him. While the guy was someone I\u2019d recently met so we weren\u2019t serious, we were just beginning something nice. But I refused to fight for him and ruin my celebration so I focused on fun with friends.<\/p>\n

I stopped speaking to Laura. She begged for forgiveness the next day. I told her I wanted no part of her selfishness. She kept calling. Eventually her mom called and said that Laura had made some poor moves because she was scared of being alone. She needed a man in her life so badly that she went after mine. I knew Laura was very lonely being new to NY and mustered some empathy for her. We renewed our friendship, though I was more on my guard.<\/p>\n

When someone does you wrong, try to put yourself into the other person\u2019s shoes<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

An illness may make them grouchy. A bad relationship can create defenses that are harsh or over the top responses. If you don \u2018t have 4 kids, you don\u2019t know the extent it can take on your nerves. If you\u2019re in a good r4elationship and have kids, you may not understand the pain some go through if they\u2019re single with a biological clock ticking. So many factors can create behavior that\u2019s negative. Your friend with 4 kids may resent your freedom and pick on you if you dare share something that you\u2019re worried about. Your single friend may try to cause trouble in your marriage out of jealousy.<\/p>\n

Often people don\u2019t even realize what they\u2019re doing. They\u2019re just responding to pain they feel.<\/p>\n

Understanding that can make it easier to deal with them without getting nasty, or worse. So next time someone is annoying or doing things you believe aren\u2019t right, try to put yourself in their shoes to understand what might be causing it. Temper your response. Explain how what they do makes you feel, without using unkind words. A kind response can go a long way to changing what the person does to you in the future. As I DoorMat I tolerated behavior until I\u2019d eventually explode, or get sick from carrying around anger. It\u2019s not worth it!<\/p>\n

Empathy also helps you understand that when people say or do negative things, it\u2019s usually not about you, so don\u2019t take it personally. Your friend who makes comments about your weight may have had her own painful weight issues and believe she\u2019s helping you. Your cousin who always tries to one-up you at family gatherings may be very insecure and need to do what he can to look good. If it\u2019s at our expense, oh well!<\/p>\n

What I\u2019m saying doesn\u2019t mean you should tolerate negative behavior on a regular basis. It\u2019s still wrong.<\/p>\n

Sometimes you can completely understand but still not want to deal with intolerable behavior. I made it clear to my friend Laura that I had limits, no matter how unhappy she was. Eventually I ended our friendship, even though there were some good parts to it. But having empathy allowed me to release her with kindness instead of feeling bitter. I wished her well instead of telling her off. Next time you\u2019re angry with someone, step into their shoes to see what might have caused their hurtful behavior<\/strong>. Whether you keep the person in your life or not, it allows you to respond in ways that feel better for you in the long run.
\n*********************<\/p>\n

Take the self-love challenge<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a>. And you can post your loving acts HERE<\/a><\/strong> to reinforce your intention to love yourself. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

People can be annoying. NO doubt about it! But I do believe that even when someone does something you know they did purposely against you, there\u2019s a reason, and it\u2019s probably not you. Our behavior often reflects emotions that we\u2019ve experienced, or that are responses to situations in your life. Someone may snap at you…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,15],"tags":[100],"class_list":["post-1859","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-empathy"],"yoast_head":"\nMustering Empathy - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/07\/mustering-empathy.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Mustering Empathy - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"People can be annoying. NO doubt about it! But I do believe that even when someone does something you know they did purposely against you, there\u2019s a reason, and it\u2019s probably not you. Our behavior often reflects emotions that we\u2019ve experienced, or that are responses to situations in your life. 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Let Me Count the Ways, a She's appeared on hundreds of TV and radio shows, including Oprah, Howard Stern, and Good Morning America and has been quoted in dozens of publications, including the New York Times, Chicago Sun-Times, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, and Men\u00b9s Health. After being a consummate People Pleaser who felt unworthy of getting her own needs met for many years, Daylle found a path of self-love that enabled her to build her self-esteem and reinvent herself into a dual career. She learned to get taken seriously without being overtly assertive when she became one of the first women to start an independent record label (on a dare!) and learned to play ball nicely and successfully in an industry dominated by men. To help independent musicians empower themselves, Daylle writes music business books for Billboard\/Random House, including the very popular Start & Run Your Own Record Labe and I Don't Need a Record Deal! Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. 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