{"id":1500,"date":"2011-04-25T12:01:50","date_gmt":"2011-04-25T16:01:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=1500"},"modified":"2011-04-16T22:28:46","modified_gmt":"2011-04-17T02:28:46","slug":"question-why-do-i-have-such-a-hard-time-asking-for-help","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/04\/question-why-do-i-have-such-a-hard-time-asking-for-help.html","title":{"rendered":"Question: Why do I have such a hard time asking for help?"},"content":{"rendered":"

I hear this question all the time. It\u2019s tough for many of us to ask for favors or help or anything else we need.<\/strong> I hear it from both men and women, and people of all ages. You don\u2019t have to be a DoorMat to have trouble asking. Even empowered people often are very hesitant to ask for anything. For many of us, it\u2019s so much easier to give than to receive.<\/p>\n

As a DoorMat, I never asked for much and surprise, I didn\u2019t get much. When I did ask, it was so uncomfortable if I didn\u2019t receive that I got used to doing everything for myself, rather than risk being turned down. I think it\u2019s hard for many people to ask. Recently I was asked about how to ask for help by a very successful woman. She said she always does everything herself and has a problem asking for help. This is a real problem for most of us, female and male! We create something in our heads that makes the idea of asking for help so unpleasant that we don\u2019t bother.<\/p>\n

So why don\u2019t we ask? There are many factors that can make us hesitant or prevent us from asking. Some of the more common ones are:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 DoorMat tendencies<\/strong>: Part of people pleasing is not wanting to bother anyone. It might seem as if people will like you more if you ask nothing of them. You don\u2019t have to be a DoorMat to have DoorMat tendencies. I still have them as a residual from my DoorMat days. People pleasing means giving, not receiving in DoorMat thoughts.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Unpleasant memories of being turned down in the past<\/strong>: You may be gun shy about asking if you\u2019ve been turned down more than once and it becomes automatic to just do everything yourself. Any unpleasant response to your request can make you not want to try again.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Unconscious discomfort with receiving<\/strong>: You may want to do the giving and have a hard time receiving. Better not to ask, or so you think! You may think you\u2019ll owe someone if they give you what you want. Even when you become self-empowered, it can stay with you as a habit unless you consciously change it.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Feeling undeserving<\/strong>: Often you don\u2019t feel worthy of help. \u201cWhy would anyone want to help me?\u201d Years ago I didn\u2019t feel slim enough to get favors. This leaves you on a lonely road to nowhere, or at least to not getting your needs met. If you try to do right by others and help when you can, you also deserve support!<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Wanting control over everything<\/strong>: Many of us need to feel in control of everything so we do it all ourselves. I was one of them. Years ago I had a business and hired someone to assist me but never gave him anything to do. He was perfectly capable but I thought I could do it better, or just didn\u2019t trust anyone to get it as right as I could. It was a powerful time for me when I finally began to ask him for help with specific things.<\/p>\n

While asking can be hard, it finally dawned on me that not asking makes life even harder, or at least less satisfying. If you ask, you may get turned down but you may get what you ask for. If you don\u2019t ask, you\u2019ll never get what you want!<\/strong> Begin by wrapping our head around the belief that asking makes you stronger and helps enrich your life.<\/p>\n

When you\u2019re scared to ask, ASK yourself, \u201cWhat\u2019s the worst thing that could happen?\u201d<\/p>\n

Usually the worst outcome is that the person says \u201cno.\u201d If you don\u2019t ask, you\u2019re saying \u201cno\u201d to yourself for them.<\/strong> Is that what you really want? Not asking guarantees you don\u2019t get help or what you need. This week my posts will all be about asking. On Friday I\u2019ll give specific pointers on how to ask most effectively. Asking for what you need says, \u201cI love me!\u201d <\/strong>
\n*****************<\/p>\n

Take the self-love challenge<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a>. And you can post your loving acts HERE<\/a><\/strong> to reinforce your intention to love yourself. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I hear this question all the time. It\u2019s tough for many of us to ask for favors or help or anything else we need. I hear it from both men and women, and people of all ages. You don\u2019t have to be a DoorMat to have trouble asking. Even empowered people often are very hesitant…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":83,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,15],"tags":[54,55],"class_list":["post-1500","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-self-empowerment-confidence","category-self-love-acceptance","tag-asking","tag-receiving"],"yoast_head":"\nQuestion: Why do I have such a hard time asking for help? - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/04\/question-why-do-i-have-such-a-hard-time-asking-for-help.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Question: Why do I have such a hard time asking for help? - Lessons from a Recovering Doormat\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I hear this question all the time. It\u2019s tough for many of us to ask for favors or help or anything else we need. I hear it from both men and women, and people of all ages. You don\u2019t have to be a DoorMat to have trouble asking. 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