{"id":1466,"date":"2011-05-26T12:01:52","date_gmt":"2011-05-26T16:01:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/?p=1466"},"modified":"2011-04-13T19:14:03","modified_gmt":"2011-04-13T23:14:03","slug":"interview-with-kelly-white","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2011\/05\/interview-with-kelly-white.html","title":{"rendered":"Interview with Kelly White"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>I\u2019m delighted to have Kelly White<\/strong> as my guest today. As a non-profit executive, Kelly has spent over 25 years leading and growing community-based, non-profit corporations; including a decade as the executive director of SafePlace, the domestic violence and sexual assault services program for Austin and Travis County and, more recently, as the executive director of Chicago Foundation for Women. She also worked to develop a national violence prevention and intervention program for people with disabilities.<\/p>\n

Kelly has received numerous awards, including the United Way\/Capital Area Non-Profit Executive of the Year, the ROSE Foundation\u2019s National Award for formerly battered women and in 2003 the SafePlace Shelter was renamed the Kelly White Family Shelter in honor of her \u201cDecade of Dedication.\u201d This was a particularly memorable distinction since Kelly readily acknowledges that she was once a battered woman who had to seek shelter for herself and her children from an abusive ex-husband. She\u2019s also the author of A Safe Place for Women<\/strong><\/a>: How to Survive Domestic Abuse and Create a Successful Future <\/strong>Here\u2019s what she had to say.<\/p>\n

What was your first impression of your husband before you married?<\/strong> My very first impression was he was extraordinarily good looking. But I felt something about him that gave off little warming signs. I broke our first date.\u00a0 There was definitely a red flag that said there was something that was not good but I didn\u2019t pay attention to that warning. He wore me down, which was pretty much the story of our marriage. He wore me down to get me to do what he wanted me to do. It was about power and control\u2014\u201cHow do I get her to be what I want her to be.\u201d<\/p>\n

How did you feel the first time you were abused?<\/strong> It built over time. I don\u2019t know if I realized I was being abused. He said what I had done had made him do it. The first time it was truly directed at me was when he turned the couch upside down on top of me. And then he convinced me he wouldn\u2019t have done it if I hadn\u2019t stopped by my ex-boyfriend\u2019s house to pick up a plant. I thought he\u2019d help me get the plant out of the car and instead he turned the couch upside down. So I got to the point that I blamed myself. I thought I made him do it. It was a cold anger; then he was appropriately sorry. I want to be clear. I hadn\u2019t caused that. I know that now.<\/p>\n

Why didn\u2019t you leave sooner?<\/strong> I left a lot of times. We\u2019d go into counseling. The counselor said things like, \u201dIf you could do this, it would be better.\u201d I tried to change jobs, dress right, talk right. In the end, I finally got divorced and the abuse escalated. I had 2 children and a good job. He threatened to kill me. He was extraordinarily scary. I stayed in the community I lived in. I had 2 tiny children, a house and friends. I shouldn\u2019t have to be the one to run away. I should be protected. Then my three year old son got hurt trying to protect me from his father. It wasn\u2019t fair but I needed to run. I gave my house back to the bank, quit my job, moved to another state and built a new life for us. \"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

What gave you the courage to leave the life you\u2019d built?<\/strong> The fact that my child was being hurt. Not badly hurt. He got in the way and was thrown across the room. I left for my children. But I still hadn\u2019t left for myself. It took me years to recognize that I deserved better. Often battered wives don\u2019t recognize they deserve better. You have every right to live a happy and fulfilled life. We are taught as women to be pleasing and to ingratiate ourselves. We\u2019re supposed to be pretty. We\u2019re not supposed to have our own power. Boys are supposed to be in charge. We teach our boys that they\u2019re always supposed to be in control\u2014be powerful and competitive. These messages are still out there.<\/p>\n

How did you get back on your feet?<\/strong> When I ran away I was the executive director of a non-profit. So I knew how to do it. I had to have a job. I responded to a blind ad in the Denver newspaper. They didn\u2019t say what it was in the ad and I sent in my resume. When they called me for an interview it was a for a battered women shelter.\u00a0 They hired me. They did ask me if I had ever known anyone who\u2019d been abused. I just responded yes. It took years before I talked to the board that hired me. I helped stabilize and grow that organization.<\/strong><\/p>\n

How did you recover?<\/strong> The huge piece of growing beyond abuse to lead an empowered positive life. A large part was the work I did with other women. We shared our stories and our lives, listening and growing and knowing how alike we all were. An important piece was recognizing how incredibly lucky I was. My job to level the playing field by giving back. It was important that I wasn\u2019t alone. I built a community and worked with other battered women and learned about myself. I\u2019m an executive director, not a counselor. I run the [business end of the] program. That\u2019s what I know how to do. But in my book, A Safe Place for Women<\/strong><\/a>, I told their stories and in telling theirs I told mine, and learned about myself.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s the main message you try to get across to people who many be abused?<\/strong> It\u2019s okay to have a good life and you deserve a good life. Do safety planning. You can call for help. I always give the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline–800.799.7233\u00a0 www.ndvh.org<\/p>\n

How do you define yourself now?<\/strong> I define myself through my family, community and my work. I married that man because I was a fixer and I still try to fix things but I learned not to try to fix a man. I\u2019m more discriminating at what I fix. I have a wonderful husband and children. I\u2019m very blessed!<\/p>\n

What would you like to tell someone who is being abused and is scared to leave?<\/strong> You can get through this. There can be great things on the other side.\u00a0 When I first met women in the shelter in Denver, I had so much compared to the other women. Many were abused their whole lives. They didn\u2019t have my education. How could they make it? But I was wrong. They did make it. If we can give people the hope and spirit, they cannot only survive, they can thrive. In my book I tell stories of many of these people. You will see look at what this person has been able to accomplish. On the other end it\u2019s about healing\u2014moving forward and living an empowered life.<\/p>\n

Why did you write this book?<\/strong> I found myself waking up in the middle of the night thinking about it and thought if I was writing chapters in the middle of the night I had to write it. In the world of causes, everyone cares about it and it goes away. The reality is there are too few shelters and not enough money or enough resources that address these kinds of problems. I wanted to tell the stories of so many people I met along the way. They\u2019re my heroes. I want people to know about them<\/p>\n

Yeah, my story is in the book and I also talk about the programs and agencies. I think the battered women\u2019s movement is an important story. It also talks about the history of violence against women. Just turn on the news and you\u2019ll hear about domestic violence homicides. We\u2019re so focused on violence overseas but what about here?
\n**************<\/p>\n

Check out Kelly White<\/strong>\u2019s book, A Safe Place for Women<\/strong><\/a>. If you are being abused, or think someone you care about is being abused, use the resources in Kelly’s book and get help. That’s self-love!
\n*****************<\/p>\n

Take the self-love challenge<\/strong><\/a> and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways<\/a><\/strong> for free at http:\/\/howdoiloveme.com<\/a>. And you can post your loving acts HERE<\/a><\/strong> to reinforce your intention to love yourself. Read my 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Please leave comments under my posts so we can stay connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m delighted to have Kelly White as my guest today. 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Daylle's books have been translated into over 10 languages and are popular around the world. She speaks for colleges, organizations and corporations. Through her company, Project Self-Empowerment, Daylle creates programs and materials to help people empower themselves. One goal is to raise the money to self-publish her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways and give it away for free in colleges and through organizations, to give thanks for all her blessings. 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