{"id":111,"date":"2009-05-19T11:09:00","date_gmt":"2009-05-19T11:09:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2009\/05\/she-was-late-and-i-left.html"},"modified":"2009-05-19T11:09:00","modified_gmt":"2009-05-19T11:09:00","slug":"she-was-late-and-i-left","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat\/2009\/05\/she-was-late-and-i-left.html","title":{"rendered":"She Was Late and I Left!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>I was just thinking about my trip upstate to do an event this weekend and felt a little pang of guilt over something I did that seemed small compared to the rest of my activities that lovely day. Liz, a woman I know lives near the location of my talk. When I told her I\u2019d be coming up there, we made plans to have lunch before my talk. My talk was at 2 PM. I told her I\u2019d get there close to noon and would call when I was at the exit so she could head out to meet me.<\/p>\n

I called when I was about 5 miles from the exit to give her some warning. Liz suggested a nice restaurant. I asked if I should meet her in the shopping center by my event or was there somewhere more convenient. She directed me to a spot along the road into town with some dirt parking. She said she\u2019d be there in 10 minutes, adding she\u2019d just had a shower and had to get ready. Hmm, I said I\u2019d be there around noon and she wasn\u2019t ready. She assured me it wouldn\u2019t take long <\/span>when I said I didn\u2019t have a lot to time.<\/p>\n

But it did!<\/span> But the time we hung up, I was at the exit and the place to meet at was right there. It was a parking area with rocks and mud. I was dying to get out of the car after my long ride but it was unappealing. I sat there for 20 minutes, on the side of the road, surrounded by overgrown weeds, big puddles and dirt. I didn\u2019t get up early and allow time to drive up to have a relaxing lunch to sit in this ugly place, bored. I tried to call Liz at home but no answer. Her cell phone wasn\u2019t on.<\/p>\n

So I did what I teach other Nice Girls on Top to do\u2014I left, drove to the shopping center and went to a restaurant solo.<\/span> I felt empowered!<\/p>\n

Liz called twenty minutes later. She yelled at me. \u201cWhere are you? I was there! At 12:20.\u201d But she wasn\u2019t since I was there past 12:30. I told her she should have been ready and I couldn\u2019t reach her by phone. I didn\u2019t want to waste more time in that awful spot. She denied being so late and scolded me for not leaving her a message at home since she\u2019d forgotten to bring my cell number with her. I told her, calmly, that none of it was my fault and refused to apologize for any of it.<\/p>\n

Then I said I had to hang up as I wanted to enjoy my lunch. She blustered but said goodbye.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ten minutes later Liz called back. She\u2019d calmed down, must have accepted she was wrong, and asked if she could join me for lunch. I nicely agreed and she came over. This time she apologized, acknowledged she tends to be late for everything and that she shouldn\u2019t have told me to meet her in that desolate spot. I agreed with her but said no more and was friendly. There was no point in being mad or scolding her. She knew.<\/p>\n

Never once did I say I was sorry since I wasn\u2019t!<\/span><\/p>\n

The rest of our time together was pleasant. My nice demeanor seemed to feed her guilt. She hung around when I did my event and occasionally brought up what she did with apologies. Yelling at someone who does something wrong puts them on the defensive. Annoyance at your tone can supercede them from taking responsibility for what they did wrong. It\u2019s important to keep your cool when addressing inappropriate behavior so your point gets across without emotion.<\/p>\n

Addressing the issue in a calm, amicable way gives the person who did wrong the most guilt<\/span> and the most chance for them to take more responsibility for their behavior. Scolding makes them turn on you.<\/span><\/p>\n

I found it funny when I felt a little guilt about leaving on Saturday. But it passed very fast. A little of my old DoorMat tendencies came out but I saw and conquered them! It\u2019s important not to hurt others but even more important not to hurt yourself. I gave Liz over 20 minutes. I had no reason to feel guilty. So the feeling passed quickly! I didn\u2019t go up there for her and I was entitled to have the relaxing lunch I came for.<\/p>\n

Many of us were brought up thinking that it\u2019s polite to wait for people who keep us waiting. It\u2019s not. They\u2019re the rude ones! <\/span><\/p>\n

Now I understand it\u2019s my choice to wait or do what I have to do and leave the person who\u2019s late in the dust. I understand that things happen that are beyond someone\u2019s control. But Liz just wasn\u2019t ready when I said I\u2019d be there. Not my problem and I wasn\u2019t waiting longer. I took responsibility for agreeing to meet her in that spot instead of going directly to the restaurant. But I had to leave when I realized she wasn\u2019t respecting my limited time.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t feel obligated to buy into other people\u2019s bad habits.<\/span> If waiting doesn\u2019t inconvenience you too much, wait a while. But we don\u2019t have to wait indefinitely for someone who doesn\u2019t call and does what they please. It\u2019s your time so why waste it?? When you deal with people\u2019s lateness, they often learn. Otherwise, it\u2019s your choice to make plans with them.<\/p>\n

I have NO regrets for leaving, except that I didn\u2019t leave sooner. ?<\/span><\/p>\n

If you enjoyed my post, please leave a comment and\/or click on the bookmark and write a short review at some of the sites, especially Stumbleupon and Digg. Thanks!

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I was just thinking about my trip upstate to do an event this weekend and felt a little pang of guilt over something I did that seemed small compared to the rest of my activities that lovely day. Liz, a woman I know lives near the location of my talk. 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