{"id":3149,"date":"2010-07-22T15:23:21","date_gmt":"2010-07-22T21:23:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jesusneedsnewpr.net\/?p=3149"},"modified":"2011-05-03T16:24:19","modified_gmt":"2011-05-03T16:24:19","slug":"a-conversation-between-jesus-his-horse-as-they-travel-to-armageddon","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/jesusneedsnewpr\/2010\/07\/a-conversation-between-jesus-his-horse-as-they-travel-to-armageddon.html","title":{"rendered":"A conversation between Jesus & his horse as they travel to Armageddon…"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Jesus:<\/strong> Giddy up, Horse!<\/p>\n

Horse:<\/strong> Jesus, I can’t giddy up without knowing where we’re going first. Besides, “giddy up” doesn’t make sense for flying horses.<\/p>\n

Jesus:<\/strong> Should I say something like “On Dasher” instead?<\/p>\n

Horse: <\/strong>No. You shouldn’t. I hate reindeer. As far as I’m concerned, they robbed flying horses of any chance at being famous.<\/p>\n

Jesus: <\/strong>She-Ra had a flying horse. It’s not Santa Claus. But hey, it’s something.<\/p>\n

Horse: <\/strong>So where are we going?<\/p>\n

Jesus: <\/strong>Oh, we’re going to Israel.<\/p>\n

Horse: <\/strong>Israel? I hate when we go to Israel-they have the worst air space on earth. Why are we going to Israel?<\/p>\n

Jesus: <\/strong>Because it’s Armageddon time!<\/p>\n

Horse:<\/strong> Armageddon time?! Are you frickin’ kidding me? Out of all of the horses in Heaven’s stable you had to choose me for Armageddon?<\/p>\n

Jesus: <\/strong>I didn’t have a choice. You’re the only white one. It’s biblical. And you know how Dad is about his biblical<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Horse:<\/strong> Unbelievable! I have the worst luck. I suppose me being the only Arabic horse in the herd is also biblical<\/em>…<\/p>\n

Jesus: <\/strong>Oh MY NAME! You’re Arabic?! Yikes. Don’t tell anybody. We don’t want anybody thinking we’re on the wrong side.<\/p>\n

Horse: <\/strong>I’m not planning on saying a word. With you on my back, either side is apt to turn on me…<\/p>\n

(Two minutes later.)<\/p>\n

Horse:<\/strong> Jesus, can I tell you something? This is going to sound a little Gaybriel, <\/em>but I promise I don’t mean it that way at all.<\/p>\n

Jesus:<\/strong> Okay, what is it?<\/p>\n

Horse:<\/strong> I gotta say, you look really nice today. Seriously, you should wear red more often. It fits you.<\/p>\n

Jesus:<\/strong> Why thank you, Horse. I thought I looked pretty good today, too.<\/p>\n

Horse:<\/strong> Just being honest; red really brings out your brown skin. And it accentuates my whiteness.<\/p>\n

Jesus:<\/strong> Okay, now you’re sounding Gaybriel<\/em>. But I do think we’re gonna really standout nicely today. We’ll be difficult to miss.<\/p>\n

Horse:<\/strong> And by the way, your sword does have magic powers, right? I mean, I hope you’re not thinking about going into battle against billions of people with a non magical sword. I hear the Chinese are tough. And the Iranians! Whew!<\/p>\n

Jesus:<\/strong> Nah, the sword is just for show. I’ll be using my miraculous powers to fight off the enemies today. Actually, this is King Arthur’s old sword.<\/p>\n

Horse<\/strong>: Really?! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dreamed about being King Arthur’s horse. Did you know that his horse had its own pasture!<\/p>\n

Jesus:<\/strong> Really? I didn’t know that. To be honest, it sort of sounds rather extravagant. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were a Pentecostal, Horse.<\/p>\n

(Five minutes later)<\/p>\n

Horse:<\/strong> So what’s that in your other hand? Whatever it is, it looks like something had to die in order for it to be created.<\/p>\n

Jesus: <\/strong>It’s my horn! Ain’t it sweet? And you’re right, something did have to die! A ram! How did you know?<\/p>\n

Horse:<\/strong> Its shape gives it away.<\/p>\n

Jesus:<\/strong> Yeah, Dad gave me this. Apparently, he saved it from the blood sacrifice that he provided to Abraham to replace Isaac.<\/p>\n

Horse: <\/strong>Really?! Your father likes his keepsakes, huh? It’s a shame he don’t scrapbook. Oh, and speaking of Isaac, how is that little man doing?<\/p>\n

Jesus:<\/strong> I think he’s doing better. You never can tell with Isaac. He’s got some serious daddy issues.<\/p>\n

Horse:<\/strong> Poor thing. That whole sacrifice event had to be traumatic! And to think, he’s part of the reason why we’re hanging out today. By the way, we’re almost there.<\/p>\n

Jesus:<\/strong> Awesome!! Zion here we come!<\/p>\n

Horse:<\/strong> Jesus, is there any chance that mercy and grace will show up today?<\/p>\n

Jesus:<\/strong> What are you saying, Horse?! This IS mercy and grace!! Sheesh.<\/p>\n

Horse:<\/strong> I had no idea, Jesus. So John Calvin was right all along! Good for him. I like John.<\/p>\n

Jesus:<\/strong> Yeah, he really helped put the Presbyterians on good path! I mean, other than the whole “post-trib” concept and baby baptisms, the Presbyterians are all right.<\/p>\n

Horse:<\/strong> You know, I gotta say, I’ve always sort of liked the Episcopalians myself…<\/p>\n

Jesus:<\/strong> [Laughing] You really are Arabic.<\/p>\n

Horse:<\/strong> Yeah, I guess I am… Hey, whatever happened to the Episcopalians?<\/p>\n

Jesus:<\/strong> Horse, my friend, you are getting ready to find out… BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL<\/span> HEAVEN!!!!!<\/p>\n

**The above conversation is not meant to be taken seriously unless you’re a Lutheran.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jesus: Giddy up, Horse! Horse: Jesus, I can’t giddy up without knowing where we’re going first. Besides, “giddy up” doesn’t make sense for flying horses. Jesus: Should I say something like “On Dasher” instead? Horse: No. You shouldn’t. I hate reindeer. As far as I’m concerned, they robbed flying horses of any chance at being…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":412,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[84],"tags":[95],"class_list":["post-3149","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-random","tag-pointless-2"],"yoast_head":"\nA conversation between Jesus & his horse as they travel to Armageddon... - Jesus Needs New PR<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/jesusneedsnewpr\/2010\/07\/a-conversation-between-jesus-his-horse-as-they-travel-to-armageddon.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A conversation between Jesus & his horse as they travel to Armageddon... - Jesus Needs New PR\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Jesus: Giddy up, Horse! Horse: Jesus, I can’t giddy up without knowing where we’re going first. Besides, “giddy up” doesn’t make sense for flying horses. Jesus: Should I say something like “On Dasher” instead? Horse: No. You shouldn’t. I hate reindeer. 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