{"id":2566,"date":"2010-06-14T14:50:57","date_gmt":"2010-06-14T20:50:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jesusneedsnewpr.net\/?p=2566"},"modified":"2011-05-03T17:01:54","modified_gmt":"2011-05-03T17:01:54","slug":"do-you-know-jesus%c2%ae-as-your-personal-investor-i-mean-savior","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/jesusneedsnewpr\/2010\/06\/do-you-know-jesus%c2%ae-as-your-personal-investor-i-mean-savior.html","title":{"rendered":"Do you know JESUS\u00ae as your personal investor, I mean, savior?"},"content":{"rendered":"

The world needs to hear about JESUS\u00ae. They do. And you need to tell them all about him.<\/p>\n

Here are just a few things about JESUS\u00ae that you should know.<\/p>\n

JESUS\u00ae wants to live in your heart. At some point in the 1960s or 70s, JESUS\u00ae started living inside people’s hearts. Actually, JESUS\u00ae wants all of you–your heart, your mind, your body, your pocketbook, and in some cases, JESUS\u00ae wants to live on the empty wall space inside your college dorm room.<\/p>\n

Seriously, JESUS\u00ae does enjoy living on the wall space of dorm rooms.<\/p>\n

Back in my day, JESUS\u00ae talked me into hanging a poster on the wall space behind my bed. He LOVED seeing it there. And it made me feel pretty good having it there. JESUS\u00ae liked the poster because it was very colorful and it showcased many different fonts. But mostly, he liked it because the colors and fonts were used to list all of his various names and titles found in the Bible. And JESUS\u00ae totally blessed the creator of that poster with a HUGE house and a 1986 Delorean in perfect condition! Yeah, JESUS\u00ae rocks.<\/p>\n

PS: If you’re out of college and would like to dedicate your wall space to JESUS\u00ae, most of his sayings are licensed through Home Interior. Don’t thank me; praise JESUS\u00ae.<\/p>\n

Gosh, these days, JESUS\u00ae wants all of your personal ad space… from your dorm room wall to your car’s dented bumper to that prime little spot on your desk called “the paper weight.” JESUS\u00ae wants it.<\/p>\n

And now, if you live in Europe, JESUS\u00ae wants to live in your iPhone, iPad, or your iPod touch. JESUS\u00ae hasn’t made this “What Would Jesus Say” app available in the United States yet, but he will if a whole bunch of Europeans ask it into their iTunes library. JESUS\u00ae is smart, and he knows that, if the Europeans like it–Americans will like it! Well, except for soccer, Robbie Williams, and sodas without ice.<\/p>\n

But Europe LOVES JESUS\u00ae.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

And for a limited time, JESUS\u00ae has donated his eyeballs to create this little plastic reminder that he’s always watching out for you. Put it in your car if you want JESUS\u00ae to watch you drive. Put it in your kitchen if you want JESUS\u00ae to watch you eat. Put in your bedroom if you want JESUS\u00ae to watch you sleep and… well, you get the picture. JESUS\u00ae loves watching you.<\/p>\n

Of course, remember, that wherever you put this little plastic toy, in addition to JESUS\u00ae\u00a0 watching out for you, he will also be able to see you drink beer, engage in near-sexual intercourse, and enjoying Dances With the Stars. So be careful. Place JESUS\u00ae’s eyeballs carefully, so he’ll only see what you want him to see.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

JESUS\u00ae also LOVES Mark Driscoll. You’re surprised, right? Well, JESUS\u00ae is full of mercy. JESUS\u00ae loves the hell <\/em>(a little inside joke to Mark from JESUS\u00ae) out of Mark Driscoll. Why? Because Mark knows EVERYTHING there is to know about JESUS\u00ae. And he doesn’t mind telling everybody those things, so they will also know that Mark knows everything there is to know about JESUS\u00ae.<\/p>\n

JESUS\u00ae 100% endorses Mark’s new book Doctrine<\/em>. Because some of you need to know–as the subtitle suggests–what Christians SHOULD believe.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

And JESUS\u00ae loves how edgy Mark is, too. (He’s got tattoos.)<\/p>\n

And JESUS\u00ae believes in the Christian America! JESUS\u00ae knows that, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, <\/sup>promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, AMERICA NEEDS JESUS\u00ae!<\/p>\n

So JESUS\u00ae thinks you should purchase a reprinting of this painting. It’s currently on clearance wherever fine non-historically correct Christian art is sold for insanely high prices.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

This is JESUS\u00ae kneeling on a cross for you. And all around JESUS\u00ae are your sins. Except that tank in the background! It’s helping JESUS\u00ae win.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Are you a Star Wars fan? Well, guess what; JESUS\u00ae loves you too. And JESUS\u00ae proves that love in this following picture…<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

FYI: JESUS\u00ae does not endorse the following painting unless you happen to like it. Then JESUS\u00ae will happily endorse it for you on the side.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Until next time, remember JESUS\u00ae loves you. JESUS\u00ae wants your butt in church on Sunday mornings. And JESUS\u00ae thinks you should sing hymns unless you hate hymns. Then, JESUS\u00ae would love to hear you sing Chris Tomlin songs. JESUS\u00ae also digs The Fray. Because JESUS\u00ae is cool like 2006.<\/p>\n

More about JESUS\u00ae to come soon. Oh, and I almost forgot…<\/p>\n

JESUS\u00ae wants you to know that he’s busy working out a plan to take care of this for you…<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

(And you can be sure that the plan won’t include anything natural or expect you to live under conditions that would keep you from driving your SUVs. How would people see all of the JESUS\u00ae fishes without SUVs?)<\/p>\n

Go in PEACE\u00ae<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The world needs to hear about JESUS\u00ae. They do. And you need to tell them all about him. Here are just a few things about JESUS\u00ae that you should know. JESUS\u00ae wants to live in your heart. At some point in the 1960s or 70s, JESUS\u00ae started living inside people’s hearts. Actually, JESUS\u00ae wants all…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":412,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10,21,3,23],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2566","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-jesus","category-jesus-picture","category-jesus-pictures","category-pr"],"yoast_head":"\nDo you know JESUS\u00ae as your personal investor, I mean, savior? - Jesus Needs New PR<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/jesusneedsnewpr\/2010\/06\/do-you-know-jesus\u00ae-as-your-personal-investor-i-mean-savior.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Do you know JESUS\u00ae as your personal investor, I mean, savior? - Jesus Needs New PR\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The world needs to hear about JESUS\u00ae. They do. And you need to tell them all about him. Here are just a few things about JESUS\u00ae that you should know. JESUS\u00ae wants to live in your heart. At some point in the 1960s or 70s, JESUS\u00ae started living inside people’s hearts. 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