{"id":8,"date":"2011-01-11T04:27:07","date_gmt":"2011-01-11T04:27:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/innercubicle\/2011\/01\/a-different-kind-of-love-for-singles-seeking-relationships.html"},"modified":"2011-01-11T04:27:07","modified_gmt":"2011-01-11T04:27:07","slug":"a-different-kind-of-love-for-singles-seeking-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/innercubicle\/2011\/01\/a-different-kind-of-love-for-singles-seeking-relationships.html","title":{"rendered":"A Different Kind of Love (for Singles seeking Relationships)"},"content":{"rendered":"

As a writer who writes about all the “big stuff” we face in our
\nlives, I have shied away from one topic for a long time–love between two
\nadults.  I’m single, and have been for a long time, so I fell into the
\ntrap of thinking that only married folks–more specifically, those who
\nare happily married, or have been married for a long time–should write
\nabout adult love.   So I blogged about family love instead–loving my
\ndaughter, my parents–and more recently, about self-love.<\/p>\n

But back in December, as I peered around the corner into the New
\nYear, I decided that I wanted to change my long-held stance on what I
\nshould and should not write.  I had to recover from too many years of
\nlistening to literary agents and editors tell me that writers ought to
\nhave demonstrated expertise–or an enormous marketing platform–to
\nlegitimately write on a topic.  And so I promised myself that in 2011, I
\nwould write from the heart, and as fearlessly as I could.  I also vowed
\nnot to self-censor–because finding to courage to write about the stuff
\nwe fear most is how we writers affirm our delicate souls.  <\/p>\n

So here is my story about love.  I met a handsome and delightful man
\nsometime last year.  And for the most part, I did what I do best.  I
\nopened to him and we had all sorts of wonderful adventures together. 
\nAnd then, satisfied with what I had learned and experienced with him, I
\nturned my attention to making him fit into one of the Love Boxes that
\nmight apply to a single man in a single woman’s life–boyfriend, husband,
\nbest friend, colleague, neighbor, drinking buddy.  But I couldn’t check
\none of the boxes.  None seemed to fit.  And the more I tried to squeeze
\nhim into one, the unhappier we became.  The magic disappeared.  If it
\nreappeared, it did so in small spurts, in ever decreasing quantities. 
\nIf we continued down this path, I knew we would destroy all of the
\ngoodness of “us.” <\/p>\n

“Happiness lost” is one the most painful experiences I’ve ever
\nknown.  Because deep down you know that you were solely or partly
\nresponsible for the loss.  You know that the alchemy of the relationship
\nchanged because you couldn’t let go of your need to control or re-shape
\nwhat it was.  You know you let your impatience or insecurities take the
\nwheel instead of gently forcing them into the backseat.<\/p>\n

I sat with my “happiness lost” during many meditation sessions before
\nI felt ready let go.  Not to pretend to let go and then find more
\nsubversive ways to get his attention but to really hand the matter over
\nto the universe and trust whatever transpired.  I was finally willing to
\naccept any range of outcomes–from not seeing him again to re-engaging
\nwith him. Then I let go, and waited for something, or nothing, to
\nhappen.<\/p>\n

Something did happen.  We started to email each other–short notes
\nbrimming with kindness and topped off with a hint of laughter.  I didn’t
\nexpect his messages–maybe that’s why they were so delightful.  I let
\nthe exchanges unfold naturally, without pushing to make plans or probe
\nhis emotional mindset.  And it felt really, really good.<\/p>\n

Then I bought him a Christmas gift.  It was a gift offered from the
\nheart, with no strings attached and no expectation of return.  He sent
\nme a note after Christmas saying that he loved the gift and then
\nsurprised me by making a donation to my nonprofit<\/a>.  I couldn’t have been happier.  The magic was beginning to return.  But this time, I stayed out of the way. <\/p>\n

And then, last weekend, he asked me to attend a small gathering he
\nhad planned.  I meditated on whether I should go–if I did, I wanted to
\nbe clear about my intentions.  The only good reason to go was to enjoy
\nmyself, not to test him or to see if our connection was still alive.  I
\nalso knew how much he loved hosting events, and I relished the idea of
\nseeing him happy, even if I wasn’t the sole cause.  So I went.<\/p>\n

We were mutually happy to see each other.  We chatted a little bit,
\nand then I talked to other friends in the room.  I was completely at
\nease–I dressed for comfort not sexual appeal and talked about what I
\ncared about, even if it didn’t make me the center of attention. When I
\nfelt like leaving, I left.  And as I prepared to leave, he sent me a
\nstrong beam of love–the kind that leaves you feeling warm and full, and
\nfloating a few inches off the ground. <\/p>\n

As I left the party, I realized that I could spend hours analyzing
\nthe meaning of his gesture or I could just accept the gift of love.  For
\nso many months, I had denied myself this gift with him.  My desire for
\ncontrol had left no space for love offered freely, without any
\nconditions.  This time I embraced the gift–and it stayed with me for
\ndays.<\/p>\n

There were so many important love lessons in this experience. 
\nLetting go is a powerful tool, so rarely practiced by seekers of love. 
\nWhen I got out of the way, I cleared the path for us to receive what we
\nreally needed from each other–companionship, kindness, love.  Many
\nspiritual writers describe the importance of letting go, but so little
\nis said about the joy of buckling oneself into the passenger seat.  It
\ntakes courage to let go but boy, does it ever feel good.<\/p>\n

I also began to practice, in small ways, the act of not giving myself
\naway in the name of love.  I’m a type-A personality–always impatiently
\npursuing the “end” and willing to trade off “the means” to get there. 
\nBut I’ve learned that love has different operating instructions from a
\ntoaster.  Unless I make it to the altar with myself intact, the love
\nwon’t survive or be worth committing to for a lifetime.   And I’m
\nlearning that when you love yourself, you don’t question whether you
\ndeserve to be loved.  The two pieces fit together perfectly.<\/p>\n

A year ago, I would have viewed this love story as a failure–that I
\nfailed to convert a perfectly good prospect into a husband.  Today, I
\nsee it differently.  Here’s how I describe it to myself: Love
\narrived unexpectedly and I embraced it; then it disappeared and I let it
\ngo. Then it returned, and I embraced it again, but much more loosely<\/em>.  And now I have a new box to add to my list: “Loving Friend.”  Check.   <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

To learn more about Taz Tagore, click on this link<\/a><\/p>\n

\"Lotus<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As a writer who writes about all the “big stuff” we face in our lives, I have shied away from one topic for a long time–love between two adults.  I’m single, and have been for a long time, so I fell into the trap of thinking that only married folks–more specifically, those who are happily…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":221,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,5,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-by-taz-tagore","category-full-potential","category-mindfulness"],"yoast_head":"\nA Different Kind of Love (for Singles seeking Relationships) - The Inner Cubicle<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/innercubicle\/2011\/01\/a-different-kind-of-love-for-singles-seeking-relationships.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A Different Kind of Love (for Singles seeking Relationships) - 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