{"id":3837,"date":"2017-03-28T11:59:27","date_gmt":"2017-03-28T11:59:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/?p=3837"},"modified":"2017-03-28T11:59:27","modified_gmt":"2017-03-28T11:59:27","slug":"3-signature-words-enabler","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/2017\/03\/3-signature-words-enabler.html","title":{"rendered":"The 3 Signature Words of an Enabler"},"content":{"rendered":"

I remember sitting in my marriage counselor’s office one day.<\/em><\/p>\n

It is was one of the days I had what I refer to as a ‘shifting moment.’<\/strong><\/p>\n

It’s hard not to talk a lot during marital problems and divorce because the inability to leave a person who is this meaningful in your life overwhelms you. A ridiculous sort of conundrum since your emotional bond keeps you from realizing the idiocracy of hanging onto someone who is not fighting to hold onto you.<\/p>\n

\"pexels-photo-87293\"<\/a><\/p>\n

“Colleen, your husband has been showing you who he is for a long time, only you do not want to believe him,” said my counselor.<\/em><\/p>\n

And just like that, the world shifted.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

It takes a tremendous amount of counseling to overcome life-long\u00a0behaviors. That is why there do seem to be (thankfully) the ‘shifting moments’ when something is said either so eloquently it finally gets your attention or at just the right time.<\/em><\/p>\n

I knew my counselor was correct.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I have tremendous insight so I knew what I was doing every time I made an excuse for my husband’s behavior. I also have great respect for my marriage counselor and therefore, I was always listening to his words. In fact, when someone I love got frustrated that I was still having difficulty after this much counseling I replied by saying this:<\/p>\n

“It’s not how long you are going to a counselor – a counselor can’t change you. They can only counsel you. They can only teach you about yourself in order to help empower you to have healthier relationships. I sat and listened each time I went. And then I opened the door and left the same Colleen I had been my entire life. I was there because I wanted to learn and to grow and to repair my relationship. I was not only attempting to change engrained enabling behaviors, I was stubbornly attempting to learn while still gaining the outcome I wished for – my marriage to be saved. In other words, I was tenaciously believing in my own determination as a ‘fixer’ while being counseled that I was indeed a ‘fixer’ and while professionally that can be a great strength – personally for relationships it is not.”<\/em><\/p>\n

So back to what my counselor said that day.<\/strong><\/p>\n

It was a shifting moment because not only were his words direct and eloquent – Yes, you guessed it…<\/em><\/p>\n

I was finally ready to hear them.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Because before that day I was still holding onto the ‘3 Signature Words of an Enabler.’<\/em><\/p>\n

“I know, but.”<\/strong><\/p>\n

I would sit and listen and then respond:<\/p>\n

“I know, but he’s really just a good person in a bad place and that’s why he’s acting this way.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“I know, but I think he’s really a lot like his dad who was super caring he’s just not acting that way now.’<\/em><\/p>\n

“I know, but he’s never really encountered any true difficulties in his life until now.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“I know, but he’s just really angry right now.”<\/em><\/p>\n

“I know, but he has had some things happen in his life recently that are upsetting him.”<\/em><\/p>\n

And there you have it.<\/strong><\/p>\n

A true enabler will always be loyal and determined enough to believe the best of those they love even when that person is hurting them.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

That’s why an enabler will remain in a relationship long enough to use themselves up.<\/p>\n

My marriage counselor had been trying to remove these three words from my vocabulary all along. I would not allow it. How could I? If I succumbed it would mean absolutely my marriage was over.<\/p>\n

And me, a ‘fixer’ and ‘rescuer’ no more.<\/strong><\/p>\n

How much heartache I could have avoided if only I had been willing to hear his words sooner.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I often like to quote my marriage counselor, “Kindness is forgiving bad behavior once or twice. Enabling is forgiving it over and over again.”<\/strong><\/p>\n

It’s difficult to let go of those ‘3 Signature Words’ which have ruled my life so I have found a new use for them.<\/em><\/p>\n

I now tell people who seek my advice…<\/em><\/p>\n

“I KNOW, BUT – there is zero excuse for bad behavior.” – Signed ‘A Reformed Enabler.’<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

(Photo courtesy of Pexels)<\/p>\n

Follow me on Facebook @Colleen Orme National Columnist on Twitter @colleenorme
\non Pinterest @colleensheehyorme
\nE-mail: Colleen.Sheehy.Orme@gmail.com
\nwww.colleensheehyorme.com<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I remember sitting in my marriage counselor’s office one day. It is was one of the days I had what I refer to as a ‘shifting moment.’ It’s hard not to talk a lot during marital problems and divorce because the inability to leave a person who is this meaningful in your life overwhelms you.…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":613,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,29],"tags":[324,28,229,4,234],"class_list":["post-3837","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-marriage","category-self-improvement","tag-enabler","tag-enabling","tag-marriage","tag-relationships","tag-self-improvement"],"yoast_head":"\nThe 3 Signature Words of an Enabler - How Great Thou Part<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/2017\/03\/3-signature-words-enabler.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The 3 Signature Words of an Enabler - How Great Thou Part\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I remember sitting in my marriage counselor’s office one day. It is was one of the days I had what I refer to as a ‘shifting moment.’ It’s hard not to talk a lot during marital problems and divorce because the inability to leave a person who is this meaningful in your life overwhelms you.…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/2017\/03\/3-signature-words-enabler.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"How Great Thou Part\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2017-03-28T11:59:27+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/files\/2017\/03\/pexels-photo-87293-300x160.jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Colleen Sheehy Orme\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"The 3 Signature Words of an Enabler - How Great Thou Part","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/2017\/03\/3-signature-words-enabler.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"The 3 Signature Words of an Enabler - How Great Thou Part","og_description":"I remember sitting in my marriage counselor’s office one day. It is was one of the days I had what I refer to as a ‘shifting moment.’ It’s hard not to talk a lot during marital problems and divorce because the inability to leave a person who is this meaningful in your life overwhelms you.…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/2017\/03\/3-signature-words-enabler.html","og_site_name":"How Great Thou Part","article_published_time":"2017-03-28T11:59:27+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/files\/2017\/03\/pexels-photo-87293-300x160.jpeg"}],"author":"Colleen Sheehy Orme","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/2017\/03\/3-signature-words-enabler.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/2017\/03\/3-signature-words-enabler.html","name":"The 3 Signature Words of an Enabler - How Great Thou Part","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/2017\/03\/3-signature-words-enabler.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/2017\/03\/3-signature-words-enabler.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/files\/2017\/03\/pexels-photo-87293-300x160.jpeg","datePublished":"2017-03-28T11:59:27+00:00","dateModified":"2017-03-28T11:59:27+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/#\/schema\/person\/ce03bf21bc57595556bf3da2edc8290c"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/2017\/03\/3-signature-words-enabler.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/2017\/03\/3-signature-words-enabler.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/2017\/03\/3-signature-words-enabler.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/files\/2017\/03\/pexels-photo-87293-300x160.jpeg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/files\/2017\/03\/pexels-photo-87293-300x160.jpeg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/2017\/03\/3-signature-words-enabler.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"The 3 Signature Words of an Enabler"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/","name":"How Great Thou Part","description":"Beliefnet Voices - Colleen Orme","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/#\/schema\/person\/ce03bf21bc57595556bf3da2edc8290c","name":"Colleen Sheehy Orme","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/author\/colleenorme"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3837","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/613"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3837"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3837\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3840,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3837\/revisions\/3840"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3837"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3837"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3837"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}