{"id":2344,"date":"2016-07-14T12:54:41","date_gmt":"2016-07-14T12:54:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/?p=2344"},"modified":"2020-06-25T00:38:36","modified_gmt":"2020-06-25T00:38:36","slug":"society-doesnt-understand-divorcing-narcissist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/2016\/07\/society-doesnt-understand-divorcing-narcissist.html","title":{"rendered":"Why Society Doesn’t Understand Divorcing a Narcissist"},"content":{"rendered":"

Divorce a cheater and society will tell you they hate them.<\/p>\n

Divorce an addict and society will wonder how you stayed so long.<\/p>\n

Divorce an abuser and society will tell you that you should have left long ago.<\/p>\n

Divorce a narcissist and society will tell you that you are crazy.
\n<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\"beach-black-leather-jacket-blond-2379179\"<\/a>One of the greatest angsts of leaving a narcissist is they present well to the world.<\/em><\/p>\n

Friends and strangers alike will see the overtly bad behavior of a cheater, a liar, an abuser or an addict. There will be a public outcry. A demand that one must be treated better.<\/p>\n

There will be an obvious enabler and a more obvious individual who is behaving badly.<\/strong><\/p>\n

However, the individual who dares divorce a narcissist will meet quite a different societal response. There will be no public outcry. No demand that one must be treated better. There will be no clear vision that one spouse is actually an enabler and that the other is behaving badly.<\/p>\n

Why?<\/strong><\/p>\n

A narcissist is two people. <\/strong><\/p>\n

They are attractive, charming, and successful. <\/strong><\/p>\n

They are also cold, cruel, and ruthless.
\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

The inherent lack of empathy, something which is a development trait learned in childhood – results in a Jekyll to a Hyde personality.<\/em><\/p>\n

Society will attempt to understand what you are saying and going through. However, they will still question it.\u00a0 Because logic will tell them if there were truly a Jekyll and Hyde why haven’t they met them both?<\/p>\n

Most people won’t meet the flip side of a narcissist.<\/strong><\/p>\n

That persona is reserved for those closest to them and periodically, a few people who work too closely with them.<\/em><\/p>\n

Why?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Narcissists do not tend to form deep attachments and therefore have an improved ability to remain ‘surface’ charming. In addition, it is because a narcissist lives in their own world.<\/p>\n

As long as you do not complicate or injure their world they will remain charming.<\/strong><\/p>\n

However, if in the narcissist’s perception one dares to anger, offend, hurt them, or interfere with their world – they will stop at almost nothing to punish this person.<\/em><\/p>\n

This is just another reason divorcing a narcissist is impossible.<\/strong><\/p>\n

They aren’t interested in a divorce. They are interested in control, retribution, and punishment.<\/p>\n

Society will continue to view this seemingly light-hearted and charming person. <\/em><\/p>\n

How could this affable personality inflict bullying, emotional abuse, financial abuse, and more on their spouse and possibly their children?<\/p>\n

Society will convince themselves that they are missing something.<\/p>\n

This is a successful, charming individual after all.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Perhaps the other spouse is exaggerating? Perhaps there is more to the relationship story? Perhaps the spouse is just more uptight than this charming person and bringing it on themselves? Perhaps there are two sides to this story?<\/p>\n

There are not two sides but rather two people in the relationship.<\/strong><\/p>\n

An overly caring enabler and an abusive personality.<\/em><\/p>\n

In truth, there are technically three people in the relationship. Or what could be called a ‘Third Party.’<\/p>\n

The enabler, the charming narcissist, and their abusive counterpart.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

In society, there exists an overwhelming acceptance and confusion regarding this troubling mental health disorder.<\/p>\n

Primarily because narcissists are typically attractive, charming, and successful.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Therefore, society accepts these bullies as mainstream.<\/p>\n

There is no outcry. <\/em><\/p>\n

There is no true ability for the courts to help those leaving narcissists.<\/em><\/p>\n

On the contrary, there is profound disbelief that a more cold and ruthless individual devoid of empathy exists.<\/strong><\/p>\n

It is troubling.<\/p>\n

Yet, even those who divorce these narcissists understand society’s confusion.<\/em><\/p>\n

Because it’s what keeps the overly caring enabler in the relationship so long. This contradictory combination of one person who seems so wonderful and another capable of unexplainable abuse and cruelty.<\/p>\n

The narcissist will show the enabler who they are over and over again but an enabler will refuse to give up on them.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Choosing to see the perceived ‘good’ in the narcissist and brushing away the bad. <\/em><\/p>\n

The enabler continually making excuses for such behavior.<\/p>\n

Society needs to understand the ruthlessness of a narcissist and the lack of support systems in place to divorce them.<\/p>\n

Success and charm are no excuse for abuse.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I’m contributing pieces on Family Today and Medium. Follow me below. #WomanResurrected<\/strong><\/p>\n

On Medium @ColleenOrme<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

Follow me on Instagram @colleenorme\u00a0<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

Facebook @Colleen Orme National Columnist<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

#WomanResurrected<\/strong><\/p>\n

E-mail: Colleen.Sheehy.Orme@gmail.com<\/p>\n

(Photo courtesy of Pexels)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Divorce a cheater and society will tell you they hate them. Divorce an addict and society will wonder how you stayed so long. Divorce an abuser and society will tell you that you should have left long ago. Divorce a narcissist and society will tell you that you are crazy. One of the greatest angsts…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":575,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,176],"tags":[384,2,229,213,274,4],"class_list":["post-2344","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-divorce-2","category-relationships","tag-abuse","tag-divorce","tag-marriage","tag-narcissism","tag-narcissist","tag-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy Society Doesn't Understand Divorcing a Narcissist - How Great Thou Part<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/2016\/07\/society-doesnt-understand-divorcing-narcissist.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Why Society Doesn't Understand Divorcing a Narcissist - How Great Thou Part\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Divorce a cheater and society will tell you they hate them. Divorce an addict and society will wonder how you stayed so long. Divorce an abuser and society will tell you that you should have left long ago. Divorce a narcissist and society will tell you that you are crazy. 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That is the core from which I begin most stories. I find myself drawn to dig for the moments in the story that are the passion that drive the message. It may be the love of what originally started a business or an authentically motivated personal profile, or simply the love of a subject being investigated which compels me to write. My forever favorite form of writing is the human interest essay or what I call, \u201cAn Interview With Life.\u201d The average day that is explored and somehow once again instills in us a joie de vivre\u2026..a joy of life. These human moments are the Hope Virus that spreads amongst us and can\u2019t help but propel us into better human beings with a larger sense of the world.","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/author\/corme"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2344","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/575"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2344"}],"version-history":[{"count":16,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2344\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7254,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2344\/revisions\/7254"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2344"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2344"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/howgreatthoupart\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2344"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}