{"id":1194,"date":"2011-04-17T17:10:30","date_gmt":"2011-04-17T21:10:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/homeshuling\/?p=1194"},"modified":"2011-04-17T17:11:29","modified_gmt":"2011-04-17T21:11:29","slug":"an-interfaith-family-at-passover-what-matters-a-re-post-from-last-year","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/homeshuling\/2011\/04\/an-interfaith-family-at-passover-what-matters-a-re-post-from-last-year.html","title":{"rendered":"An interfaith family at Passover – what matters? (a re-post from last year)"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was scrolling through last year’s Passover posts and found this. We’re not going to my mom’s this year, but the issues we confront are the same every year. More about this year’s solution, and how we maintain a loving, respectful marriage despite our radically different feelings about Passover after the seders are over. Until then, I’ll be putting up a few oldies but goodies.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat matters?\u201d Zoe likes to ask, her arms held up in the universal child-asking-a-question gesture. She thinks it means \u201cwhat\u2019s the difference?\u201d \u00a0To me, she sounds just like Yenta in Fiddler on the Roof whenever she says it, most often after I correct her pronunciation of a word. ( \u201cShrimp, shrump,\u201d she shrugs. \u201cWhat matters?\u201d)<\/p>\n

In the weeks leading up to Passover, I\u2019ve been thinking a lot about what matters. Many years ago, I lived a life bound quite closely by\u00a0halacha<\/em>, Jewish law. While there were still decisions to make, many choices were cut and dry, and didn\u2019t involve much weighing of personal priorities. I did things they way they were supposed to be done, and the way so many other Jews around me were doing. This life worked well for me when I lived on the Upper West Side, in a vibrant community of \u00a0really thoughtful and relatively diverse observant Jews. But when I moved to a small Jewish community with very few observant Jews, I began to feel a need to balance my need for community with my love of (many parts of) traditional Judiasm. (What did it mean to keep shabbat all alone? What level of kashrut did I want when I no longer had to worry about who would and wouldn\u2019t eat in my house?) When I married and started a family with a non-Jewish man, and essentially cast my lot outside of the traditional community forever, the questions became both more complicated and more urgent.<\/p>\n

Passover has always been one of the more challenging times of \u00a0year for my husband and me as an interfaith couple, as I wrote about\u00a0here<\/a>, for interfaithfamily.com. It\u2019s not\u00a0just<\/em> the 8 days of no beer in the house, although it is some of that. More accurately, it\u2019s the many layers of metaphor tucked away in those forbidden beers. As much as I love my husband, and though there are probably hundreds of mitzvot I do not manage to observe, I can\u2019t seem to let go of, or even ease up on, my strict observance \u00a0of Passover.<\/p>\n

So this year, I decided to make thing easy for all of us. I\u2019m working full time, teaching at a day school, which means I have the whole holiday off, as does my older daughter. So, I thought, let\u2019s go to Bubbe\u2019s for Passover. A great plan \u2013 no kashering the kitchen, no Passover shopping, and lots of quality family time. But, no Papa for the whole holiday??? That didn\u2019t seem right to me. So, I re-thought, let\u2019s do seders here and then go to Baltimore. \u00a0But, well, my brothers were going to be at my mom\u2019s and I wanted them to see the girls too. So, I re-re-thought, let\u2019s have one seder here and\u00a0then<\/em> go to Bubbe\u2019s.<\/p>\n

Our\u00a0final version of the Passover plan has left me having to make what feels like a million big and small decisions. Should I travel on Yom Tov so that we can be with both my husband and my family of origin? (yes.) Do we accept the invitation to a first seder with friends I really want to be with, but don\u2019t keep Kosher for Passover as strictly as I do (yes, but I\u2019m bringing some of the required foods and a main dish double wrapped in foil.) Do I change over and kasher our kitchen for one day of Passover? (yes, but only the bare minimum of things I will be using. One day of paper and plastic seems only a wee bit environmentally sinful.)
\nAs the one and only partner who really cares about how Judaism is practiced in our home, every decision is in my hands. And because I don\u2019t feel obligated to halacha above and beyond all other values, each decision, each glass, each mug and each crumb, and what I do with them, is complicated. And fraught with a lot of hand wringing. And, somewhat inexplicably, guilt. It was so much easier when I was a \u201cgood Jew.\u201d But I am learning a lot about\u2026.what matters. To me, anyhow.
\nps, Here we are, one big happy family, searching for chametz. For the first time, at their request, the girls hid four of the pieces Keith and I to find. They loved helping us try to find theirs, but hadn\u2019t quite reconciled their divergent definitions of \u201chot\u201d and \u201ccold.\u201d Most often, we were both. At the same time.
\n\"\"<\/a>
\n<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was scrolling through last year’s Passover posts and found this. We’re not going to my mom’s this year, but the issues we confront are the same every year. More about this year’s solution, and how we maintain a loving, respectful marriage despite our radically different feelings about Passover after the seders are over. Until…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":86,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,3,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1194","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-jewish","category-judaism","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nAn interfaith family at Passover - what matters? 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