{"id":1911,"date":"2012-01-27T12:02:09","date_gmt":"2012-01-27T17:02:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/godonomics\/?p=1911"},"modified":"2012-01-27T12:02:09","modified_gmt":"2012-01-27T17:02:09","slug":"how-to-use-anger-constructively","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/2012\/01\/how-to-use-anger-constructively.html","title":{"rendered":"How to Use Anger Constructively"},"content":{"rendered":"

Every leader can handle anger constructively by following three steps:<\/strong><\/p>\n

1.\u00a0 Look Under<\/span> Your Anger<\/strong><\/p>\n

6 So the LORD said to Cain,”Why<\/span> are you angry? And why<\/span> has your countenance fallen?<\/p>\n

God says to Cain… Look under your anger. Ask yourself Why you are angry. \u00a0God says to Cain, can you pause before you react to even ponder the question, \u201cWhy are you angry?\u201d \u00a0\u00a0God tries to slow Cain down to think… to ponder…to identify.<\/p>\n

If you are like me, you not only don\u2019t take time to look under your anger, but if I could answer the question why, the reply would be… \u201cBecause someone or something MADE ME angry.\u201d \u00a0We answer the question, \u201cWhy am I angry?\u201d by focusing on others\u2019 behavior or surrounding circumstances. \u00a0We blame or trace our anger to others not conforming to what we want.<\/p>\n

God says we need to look deeper…under our anger. He even hints at the way to do it it. By saying “why has your countenance fallen…your countenance is your face. \u00a0But notice that when your face falls, that is often an expression associated with sadness, rather than anger. God says, look under<\/span> your anger to find your sadness. \u00a0Cain, \u201cYou were sad before you were mad.\u201d<\/p>\n

I had a couple share with me a few years ago their inability to grasp the psycho-babble of a marriage counselor who told them to use I statements, rather than you statements. \u00a0I asked what they meant? She said, \u201cI used to say, \u201cYou\u2019re a jerk.\u201d Then I changed to an I statement, \u201cI think you are a jerk!\u201d \u00a0I laughed, that didn\u2019t seem to help huh? Of course not, its still focused on the other person\u2019s bad behavior which inflames your anger and generated anger in your spouse. What if instead, you said, \u201cI really wish we\u2019d spend more time together, rather than \u201cYou\u2019re never home.\u201d \u00a0What if you said, \u201cI was really hurt when you walked away\u201d rather than \u201cYou\u2019re such a jerk for never talking this through.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0She said, \u201cOh, that\u2019s different.\u201d<\/p>\n

One inflames your anger and it becomes more destructive, the other looks under your anger to what\u2019s really going on, and defuses it constructively.<\/p>\n

<\/strong>Under our anger is some hurt from an unmet need. Notice that the Bible Account shows us that UNDER Cain\u2019s anger was a feeling of being disrespected.<\/p>\n

And the LORD respected <\/strong>Abel and his offering, 5 but He did not respect<\/strong> Cain and his offering. And Cain was very angry,<\/span> and his countenance fell.<\/p>\n

Until we look under our anger<\/span>, like God told Cain to, we will never be able to see step 2…<\/p>\n

2. Look Ahead<\/span> of Your Anger<\/strong><\/p>\n

(NKJV) Gen 4:7 If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door<\/span>. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it.”<\/p>\n

(NASB) \u00a0Gen 4:7 sin is crouching at the door<\/span>; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.”<\/p>\n

God warns Cain that his anger will lead him up ahead to danger. \u00a0In fact the word DANGER has the word ANGER<\/strong> right in it. \u00a0God says, look ahead, sin lies at your door. \u00a0Your feelings are leading you to say or do something you are going to regret.\u00a0 The Hebrew word, lies is r???? is used here in the figure of a crouching animal. \u00a0\u00a0God is saying, if you don\u2019t look ahead of your anger, you won\u2019t see that pain, regret, doing something you don\u2019t want to do… is crouching… is preparing… to ambush you.<\/p>\n

God is telling Cain that when you are angry, you need to look \u201cahead of your anger\u201d Look ahead as if you are about to be pounced on. Slow down. Speak slowly. Be careful. Anger dulls our senses to not see the next trap. The awaiting danger ready to pounce on us. \u00a0\u00a0Anger is not wrong. \u00a0Not bad. Even here God distinguishes between Anger and Sin (doing something wrong).<\/p>\n

6 So the LORD said to Cain,”Why are you angry<\/span>?<\/strong>… 7 And if you do not do well, sin<\/span><\/strong> lies at the door.<\/p>\n

Later in the New Testament, the part of the Bible written after Jesus was born in the A.D. timeframe, Paul makes the same distinction:<\/p>\n

Ephesians. 4:26 Be angry<\/strong>, and do not sin<\/p>\n

Do you see that Anger is an emotion? Anger is normal, natural and healthy at times.\u00a0 <\/strong>BUT it can lead us to do bad things, say bad thing -if we don\u2019t look AHEAD of our Anger.<\/p>\n

3. Look Over<\/span> Your Anger<\/strong><\/p>\n

(NKJV) Gen 4:7 If you do well<\/strong>, will you not be accepted<\/strong>? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over<\/span><\/strong> it.”<\/p>\n

God tells Cain to \u201cdo well\u201d and he will be accepted. He tells him that he must \u201crule over\u201d his anger. \u00a0\u00a0How do you “do well”? \u00a0And “rule over it?” \u00a0\u00a0God is showing us something profound about anger. \u00a0Anger always shows you that you are \u201cunder\u201d the rule of something<\/span>. \u00a0\u00a0God says you need to get \u201cover\u201d this. \u00a0Because right now you are \u201cunder\u201d the rule of something besides me.<\/p>\n

I might be under the rule of:<\/p>\n