{"id":1483,"date":"2011-10-06T09:06:22","date_gmt":"2011-10-06T13:06:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/godonomics\/?p=1483"},"modified":"2011-10-06T09:06:22","modified_gmt":"2011-10-06T13:06:22","slug":"gps-gods-parenting-system-u-turn-appealing-and-surrendering-well-pt-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/2011\/10\/gps-gods-parenting-system-u-turn-appealing-and-surrendering-well-pt-2.html","title":{"rendered":"GPS (God’s Parenting System): U-Turn…Appealing and Surrendering Well (pt. 2)"},"content":{"rendered":"

2) What Happens When We Don\u2019t Obey First.<\/strong><\/p>\n

In the Bible is a true story of parents who \u201ctrained\u201d their son to obey last. They trained him to be selfish, demanding, and self-centered. His name was Samson. You may remember him from Bible stories as the man who tore open a bear, had long hair, etc. \u00a0\u00a0But long before that, he was a young man, and in our story, we pick up the relationship between he and his parents when he was in his \u201cdating\u201d years.<\/p>\n

1 Now Samson went down to Timnah, and saw a woman in Timnah of the daughters of the Philistines. 2 So he went up and told his father and mother, saying, \u201cI have seen a woman in Timnah of the daughters of the Philistines; now therefore, get her for me as a wife.\u201d\u00a0 3 Then his father and mother said to him, \u201cIs there no woman among the daughters of your brethren, or among all my people, that you must go and get a wife from the uncircumcised Philistines?\u201d And Samson said to his father, \u201cGet her for me, for she pleases me well.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Notice the phrase Samson uses twice, \u201cGet her for me.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0His parents try to reason with him, give ideas of other women with a similar faith who are not at war with their people… And Samson\u2019s muscle memory is \u201cGET HER FOR ME.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0He has been trained to talk to his parents in a demanding, demeaning way. They have not called him on it when he was young, and surprise, they aren\u2019t calling him on it now. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Samson has been trained to \u201cObey Last, Demand First.\u201d \u00a0His parents (good people, faithful people, Godly people) have not trained Samson to APPEAL. \u00a0Instead they trained him to think he can \u201cdemand\u201d and after instructions are given, \u201cDEMAND LOUDER!\u201d<\/p>\n

We must train our children early and diligently because they need this skill to have good relationships and good work careers later. \u00a0\u00a0We catch up with Samson a few months later. He got angry at his finance and stormed off for a few… months. He is returning and speaking to her father.<\/p>\n

1 After a while, in the time of wheat harvest, it happened that Samson visited his wife with a young goat. And he said, \u201cLet me go in to my wife, into her room.\u201d But her father would not permit him to go in. 2 Her father said, \u201cI really thought that you thoroughly hated her; \u201d \u00a03 And Samson said to them, \u201cThis time I shall be blameless regarding the Philistines if I harm them!\u201d \u00a0Then Samson went and caught three hundred foxes; and he took torches, turned the foxes tail to tail, and put a torch between each pair of tails.<\/em><\/p>\n

So, now, Samson has a father-in-law (or potential one), he comes to him in the same demanding way and says, \u201cLet me go in…\u201d \u00a0or \u201cGive her to me…\u201d \u00a0This father says, \u201cYou stormed off, I assume you hated her.\u201d \u00a0How does Samson respond? \u00a0\u201cWow, sorry, I was out of line… \u00a0You are right, I need to apologize?\u201d No, he has never been taught how to respond when he doesn\u2019t like someone\u2019s decision in a Godly and healthy way. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Instead he feels justified, \u201cI will be harmless if I go harm people…\u201d \u00a0Hmmmm? \u00a0That\u2019s disturbing. This young man, is now cruel to animals, kills people, and destroys property and feels justified. \u00a0Why? \u00a0He wasn\u2019t trained to Obey first, AND he doesn\u2019t know how to APPEAL properly when he disagrees.<\/p>\n

This is why, many of us as adults, may or may not have kids. Our inability to obey, or obsession with our needs, or our demanding spirit is crushing our relationships. We don\u2019t date someone longer than 2 months, we move from job to job, we refuse to hear our 360 review, show patterns we need to work on. \u00a0We are not humble or teachable because we\u2019ve trained ourselves to TAKE FIRST, rather than Obey first.<\/p>\n

So, if we are going to teach our children to APPEAL, it comes down to this, OBEY FIRST, and ASK QUESTIONS LATER.<\/p>\n

III. What Happens When We Ask Questions Later.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Children need to know how to obey first and surrender to the boundaries and structure around them, but then they need too know how to appeal decisions they disagree with. \u00a0\u00a0What do I mean?<\/p>\n

If you have an employee who generally does what he or she is told right away without excessive argumentation, then one day they call you into the office and say, \u201cCan I ask you a question about this?\u201d \u00a0And they follow that up with, \u201cCan I share some concerns I have?\u201d \u00a0How will you respond? Emotionally you will -as their boss- feel like they are characterized by \u201cobeying first\u201d and have come to you, not rebelliously or to be ornery, but with a fair question? \u00a0If on the other hand, you have an employee that hears your strategic initiative and pushes back on every statement, is found gossiping and undermining you after meetings, and powers up… How open are you to their feedback?<\/p>\n

Recently a staff member called me and had concerns with another staff member. They had observed a behavior and were convinced that this staff member was not compassionate or caring. I am on the phone being triangulated rather than this person talking directly to the person they have a concern with… SO this became a \u201cteaching\u201d and parenting moment as the boss. \u00a0I instructed this person to 1) Call the person directly and share the concern. 2) I told them to presume the best, rather than the worst. \u00a03) I gave clear example of how to start the conversation with QUESTIONS. \u201cCan I talk to you about something?\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u201cDid you know that this happened yesterday?\u201d \u00a0\u00a0I got an email the next day from this staff member saying, \u201cWow! Was I wrong about what I thought happened…”\u00a0 The staff that was confronted was very pleased that I honored them by not gossiping and teaching staff how to \u201cAppeal and confront\u201d in a healthy way.<\/p>\n

When you confront someone…when your kids confront you or argue with you…teach them to USE QUESTIONS. \u00a0\u00a0When they launch into a \u201cI can\u2019t believe you won\u2019t do this…. \u201d Stop them, and say, \u201cLet\u2019s start over. Begin with a question… \u201cDad, Can I tell you why I don\u2019t like this?\u201d \u00a0\u201cMom, can I ask you a question?\u201d \u00a0Will they roll their eyes at you? Sure. \u00a0Probably. But you are training them to know how to appeal and talk about disagreements. You are building up their future marriage right now at 16.<\/p>\n

Dr. Cloud tells this story, \u201cI was counseling a couple who were having marriage problems. He asked them each about their behavior.\u201d “WHY DO YOU WITHDRAW FROM HIM?” he asked the wife.\u00a0 \u201cBecause he yells at me,\u201d she said. \u00a0 “Why do you yell?” he asked the husband.\u00a0 “Because she withdraws from me.\u201d \u00a0Dr. Cloud said, \u201cHow long do you think this can go on?\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0He used a question to help them see that they both saw themselves as victims. They can\u2019t control their own behaviors. They are victims of their impulses. \u00a0\u00a0Children need to learn \u201cI made me do it\u201d not \u201cShe or He made me do it.\u201d<\/p>\n

How can we help our kids?\u00a0 In his book BOUNDARIES, Cloud tells the story of Billy. \u00a0\u201cMom, I\u2019m going down to Joey\u2019s to play hockey. See ya later.\u201d \u201cNo Billy, you can\u2019t go. It\u2019s time to do your homework.\u201d \u201cCome on Mom! Everyone\u2019s going. I can do my homework later.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cBilly, I understand you want to go, but we agreed that if you went swimming, you would work on your homework.\u201d Billy says, \u201cYeah, but I could do it after dinner.\u201d Mom replies, \u201cAn agreement is an agreement. I don\u2019t want to talk about it anymore.\u201d Billy replies, \u201cYou\u2019re just stupid. You don\u2019t understand anything. You\u2019re a big, fat, stupid.\u201d<\/p>\n

Here is how Dr. Cloud recommends we respond as parents:<\/p>\n

\u201cBilly, I understand that you\u2019re really disappointed, but that\u2019s not the way to talk to me. Calling me \u2018stupid\u2019 is not okay. It hurts my feelings. It is okay to be sad or mad, but I won\u2019t allow name calling. I understand that you\u2019re upset. But when you call me stupid, how do you think that makes me feel?” (Wait for an answer so he has time to think about how another person feels.)<\/p>\n

\u201cBilly, I hear that you\u2019re ticked, and when you talk to me more respectfully, I\u2019ll be glad to listen. If you are upset about something, tell me in a different way and start with ‘Mom, can I ask you something…'”<\/p>\n

“Billy, I\u2019d like for you to apologize for what you said and try again. Why don\u2019t you ask for forgiveness and help me with setting the table…\u201d<\/p>\n

When correction is followed by an apology, sufficient self-correction, and repentance, the child learn respect. If the child does not apologize, repent, and correct himself, or if this is a pattern, consequences should follow. \u00a0This parent didn\u2019t get all upset, let the child push her buttons, instead explained the problem, the solution, and gave a chance for Billy to learn to apologize, learn how to obey first, and how to ask questions later. \u00a0\u00a0This is SOOOO important. \u00a0\u00a0Kids will make mistakes. Small Ones and Big Ones. \u00a0\u00a0So, we must make U-Turns a part of life. \u00a0When kids don\u2019t obey first, we teach them how to make a U-Turn and start over. \u00a0\u00a0When kids don\u2019t ask questions later, but rather demand… We model how to make a U-Turn.<\/p>\n

CONCLUSION: We want to make forgiving, confronting, and saving face as easy as possible. \u00a0Rather than making\u00a0 admitting you are wrong, a battle of wills, we want to make it as pleasant as possible to surrender when a child doesn\u2019t agree. For small children that means after a confrontation, we go do something fun. \u00a0\u00a0We tell them how proud we are that they obeyed, even though they didn\u2019t agree. We try to make graciously admitting their fault as EASY AS POSSIBLE. \u00a0\u00a0We celebrate respect. We celebrate humility. We celebrate the surrender of our \u201cme focus\u201d approach to life.<\/p>\n

ADORATION: \u00a0\u00a0God is the perfect parent. \u00a0He parents us the same way. He teaches us to OBEY FIRST and ASK QUESTIONS HUMBLY LATER. \u00a0\u00a0He allows us to experience the consequences of our disobedience. When Samson\u2019s parents’ role faded out, God\u2019s role as parent took over. And God allowed Samson to lie, sleep around, be violent, and then feel the full weight of the consequences of his decisions, and those consequences were terrible. He was enslaved. He lost his strength. He was used like a mule to crush grain by his enemies, the Philistines. \u00a0\u00a0He felt the full and complete pain of living a life of disobedience. \u00a0\u00a0He lost relationships. He lost his health. His eyesight. Everything.\u00a0 God had not abandoned him through. God loved Samson so much, He had to teach him to Appeal and Surrender well. \u00a0\u00a0God had a plan for Samson to do great things for others. But Samson\u2019s whole life was so self-centered, he never thought of others. \u00a0\u00a0Until one day…one day, after years of pain, hurt, consequences… Samson\u2019s heart is softened toward God. On that day, he looks up to God humbly and says, \u201cI\u2019m ready to obey first.\u201d \u00a0I lost my eyes, but finally I see the plight of others in my life. I see my people who have been tortured and enslaved by the Philistines. God, if you can, and if you will, please use me. I am willing to die to help others.\u00a0 And God pulls Samson close. \u00a0God allows him to surrender well into the grace of a God of 100 chances. God uses Samson to free his people.\u00a0 Samson died free. Free from his addictions. Free from his rebellious spirit. Free from his pride. \u00a0\u00a0Because of God\u2019s forgiveness.\u00a0 God knew that one day he would come to earth in the person of Jesus, and he would teach people to obey first (but he also knew they wouldn\u2019t). He asked them to admit they had rebelled. To own it. To admit it. He taught us how to surrender well by asking him for forgiveness. To ask him to forgive us of our \u201cself-centric\u201d lives. To invite his son to change us and make us someone different. \u00a0God parents us the way He wants us to parent our kids.<\/p>\n

OBEY FIRST. \u00a0ASK QUESTIONS LATER. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

\n

For a free, first session of Godonomics:\u00a0 http:\/\/www.godonomics.com\/watch-session-1<\/a><\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=pC4QmLfILhI<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
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2) What Happens When We Don\u2019t Obey First. In the Bible is a true story of parents who \u201ctrained\u201d their son to obey last. They trained him to be selfish, demanding, and self-centered. His name was Samson. 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