{"id":1478,"date":"2011-10-04T09:15:40","date_gmt":"2011-10-04T13:15:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/godonomics\/?p=1478"},"modified":"2011-10-04T09:15:40","modified_gmt":"2011-10-04T13:15:40","slug":"gps-gods-parenting-system-u-turn-appealing-and-surrendering-well-pt-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/2011\/10\/gps-gods-parenting-system-u-turn-appealing-and-surrendering-well-pt-1.html","title":{"rendered":"GPS (God&#8217;s Parenting System): U-Turn&#8230;Appealing and Surrendering Well (pt. 1)"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong><\/strong>There are two skills that every child MUST develop and be trained in. They must learn how to APPEAL and SURRENDER well.\u00a0 Last week, we talked about how to \u201cyield\u201d to authority, and how to teach our kids to respect authority. But our kids also need to be taught and modeled how to APPEAL authority. What is the proper way to disagree? Let\u2019s face it, they come with a built-in GPS on how to APPEAL in inappropriate ways.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Blaming<\/li>\n<li>Yelling<\/li>\n<li>Screaming<\/li>\n<li>Hitting<\/li>\n<li>Demanding<\/li>\n<li>Rebelling<\/li>\n<li>Self-Pity<\/li>\n<li>Victim<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>In his book BOUNDARIES FOR KIDS, <strong>Dr. Townsend<\/strong> talks about kids who do not learn to obey boundaries or properly talk through disagreements and how it hurts them later in life (In a marriage, in a job, with a boss, etc.).\u00a0 He tells a story of Wayne, a young boy known by his teachers as \u201ca problem child.\u201d Townsend knew Wayne and he always seemed out of control. He was disruptive, pushy, intrusive, and sassy with teachers. \u00a0One day, Townsend was visiting with his family on a Saturday. \u00a0Wayne\u2019s parents were nice, but they provided little structure for their son. For example, Wayne was bouncing basketballs in the living room for a long time before anyone came along and said anything. Mom said, \u201cWayne dear, I hate to interrupt the fun, but would it be too much trouble to ask you to play somewhere else?\u201d \u00a0He smarted off to her, and continued. \u00a0Dad entered the room, \u201cHey,\u201d he yelled, \u201cHow many times do I have to tell you to knock it off!!!\u201d \u00a0So Wayne went up to his bedroom and kept dribbling the ball. \u00a0\u00a0Wayne was learning that if people in authority give you a rule, you outwardly rebel, be a smart Alec, procrastinate, push their buttons, wait for dad to yell, and then keep doing what you want.<\/p>\n<p>Our children need to learn, be taught, how to OBEY first, and ask questions later. Let\u2019s look at three things today. \u00a01) What Happens When We Obey First? \u00a02) What Happens When We Don\u2019t Obey First?\u00a0 3) What Happens When We Ask Questions Later?<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"text-decoration: underline\">1) What Happens When We OBEY FIRST? \u00a0Earn the Right to Push Back<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Children come hard-wired to push back first. To say, \u201cNo&#8230;\u201d You\u2019re not my boss, I don\u2019t have to, I don\u2019t want to, etc. We must train our children to \u201cOBEY first.\u201d \u00a0We must show them that obeying first earns them the right to \u201cpush back\u201d and appeal later. \u00a0When they don\u2019t obey first, we talk about it. We give consequences to it. We place boundaries in their life to reinforce it. We teach them that they must first EARN the right to push back by being characterized by OBEYING FIRST.<\/p>\n<p><strong>ANDY STANLEY, <\/strong>a leader of one of the most influential nonprofit organizations in Atlanta, wrote a book called THE NEXT GENERATION LEADER. He notes that one of the greatest challenges of young leaders under 40 is thinking they know better than their bosses. \u00a0The instinct is to push back on a new objective. To share your idea first or wear out your boss by making him\/her justify their decision. One of the skills Andy says is crucial for the Next Generation Leader is COACHING and Character. \u00a0A person who learns to trust those in authority shows character and earns him\/herself the right to push back. \u00a0I had an employee that wore me out many years ago. \u00a0I&#8217;d share an initiative or idea I wanted them to implement and they\u2019d spend 30 minutes questioning, second guessing, critiquing my \u201csuggestion.\u201d \u00a0I was worn out trying to &#8220;talk them into doing their job.&#8221;\u00a0\u00a0I started unconsciously delegating less to them, deciding it was easier to do it myself, or work around the person. \u00a0I eventually eliminated the position. \u00a0Why? \u00a0It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t want other perspectives&#8230;it\u2019s not that I\u2019m some dictatorial boss\u2026it&#8217;s that this person questioned first, and then finally, reluctantly &#8220;obeyed&#8221; and did what I asked. \u00a0This pattern as an employee had been fine tuned since he was young. Children who do this turn into adults that do this.<\/p>\n<p>If we teach our children to Obey First: Earning the Right to Push Back, we are showing them that boundaries and structure, and respecting authority is how life works. We all answer to someone: Boss, Parents, Stockholders, Clients, Boss, Suppliers, etc. \u00a0That\u2019s how life works. \u00a0\u00a0Consistent boundaries help children learn that someone (boss, mom\/dad) know more, and have more life experience than they do.<\/p>\n<p>Barbi and her husband were working on financial responsibility with sons Rickey, 7, Benny, 5.\u00a0 Part of their allowance each week goes to tithing, saving, and some for spending. \u00a0Parents told them to \u201csave up\u201d and not spend it all at once, etc. \u00a0It went in one ear and out the other. Instead of Obeying mom and dad and hearing their advice, the boys spent all their money on a toy. A couple of days later, a comic book they wanted was on sale and they went to their spending pouches to find&#8230;no money. \u00a0They went to mom and dad with puppy dog eyes, then tears, and then demands about this comic book.\u00a0 These parents were not going to reward a \u201cdisobey first\u201d pattern. They said, \u201cNo loans, no gifts. Earn it at the regular weekly rate.\u201d \u00a0\u201cCan we do some chores?\u201d \u00a0They said, \u201cNo.\u201d They cried. Parents emphasized with the loss of the on sale deal, but the consequences were felt. \u00a0And their son learned the lesson. Benny said, \u201cI\u2019m gonna wait a long, long, long time next time to spend my money.\u201d \u00a0Benny was learning to Yield and Obey mom and dad and their wisdom.<\/p>\n<p>As parents, we need to have clear boundaries and be consistent. When a child gets mad at the boundary, we need to instruct them how to be characterized by \u201cOBEY FIRST.\u201d \u00a0We sit them down when they cry, yell, or are disrespectful and say, \u201cBecause you yelled first rather than obey,\u201d the consequences are worse. If you had obeyed first, even when you don\u2019t like it, I would be more willing to listen when you disagree. <strong>\u00a0Then Model and role play it, <\/strong>\u00a0\u201cIf you don\u2019t like the curfew, here\u2019s how you respond&#8230; \u201cRather than \u201cNo one else\u2019s parents give them curfews&#8230;.\u201d \u00a0you can say, \u201cOkay. \u00a0If I am consistent with keeping the curfew, can we talk about this in a few weeks?\u201d \u00a0\u00a0Tell your kids exactly what \u201cobeying\u201d looks like, sounds like, smells like.<\/p>\n<p>Recently Javan, my 12 year old, wanted to go to PLAY IT AGAIN SPORTS to \u201clook at games\u201d for his X-Box. \u00a0I said, \u201cI\u2019ll take you, but this will be frustrating for you. You have no money. \u00a0I WILL NOT buy any games for you. \u00a0So, we can go, but do not ask me to buy anything. I will not buy anything for you.&#8221;\u00a0 Well, you can guess that when we arrived, he found the \u201cperfect\u201d game and asked me to buy it. \u00a0\u00a0I told him no and he got upset. \u00a0So, I had to sit down with him and teach through the moment. \u00a0\u201cJavan, I know you are getting mad. I told you that if we came here tonight, you\u2019d be upset that I didn\u2019t buy this. I told you in advance. Now, here\u2019s what we can do. We can put your name on the Waiting list for the game so when a used version comes in, you can buy it for $20 less. Between now and then, you have several soccer games that you are refereeing, you can earn some of your own money. \u00a0\u00a0More importantly, here\u2019s how you should respond in this situation. There may be times I chip in some extra money because I like to be generous. \u00a0But, only when I see you \u201cobey first\u201d and even then I may not&#8230; But if you respond with Obey last, I will definitely NOT reward you. Obeying first earns you the right to push back and disagree with me.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>So, teach your children to obey first. Show them what happens when they Obey First. They Earn the Right to Push Back.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<table width=\"342\" border=\"0\" cellspacing=\"0\" cellpadding=\"0\">\n<col width=\"342\" \/>\n<tbody>\n<tr>\n<td width=\"342\" height=\"20\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=BPEWYekDC9k\" target=\"_blank\">http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=BPEWYekDC9k<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>For a free first session of Godonomics, visit:\u00a0 <a href=\"http:\/\/www.godonomics.com\/watch-session-1\" target=\"_blank\">http:\/\/www.godonomics.com\/watch-session-1<\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>There are two skills that every child MUST develop and be trained in. They must learn how to APPEAL and SURRENDER well.\u00a0 Last week, we talked about how to \u201cyield\u201d to authority, and how to teach our kids to respect authority. But our kids also need to be taught and modeled how to APPEAL authority.&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":353,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1478","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v23.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>GPS (God&#039;s Parenting System): U-Turn...Appealing and Surrendering Well (pt. 1) - Godonomics<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/2011\/10\/gps-gods-parenting-system-u-turn-appealing-and-surrendering-well-pt-1.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"GPS (God&#039;s Parenting System): U-Turn...Appealing and Surrendering Well (pt. 1) - Godonomics\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"There are two skills that every child MUST develop and be trained in. They must learn how to APPEAL and SURRENDER well.\u00a0 Last week, we talked about how to \u201cyield\u201d to authority, and how to teach our kids to respect authority. But our kids also need to be taught and modeled how to APPEAL authority.&hellip;\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/2011\/10\/gps-gods-parenting-system-u-turn-appealing-and-surrendering-well-pt-1.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Godonomics\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2011-10-04T13:15:40+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"chadhovind\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"GPS (God's Parenting System): U-Turn...Appealing and Surrendering Well (pt. 1) - Godonomics","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/2011\/10\/gps-gods-parenting-system-u-turn-appealing-and-surrendering-well-pt-1.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"GPS (God's Parenting System): U-Turn...Appealing and Surrendering Well (pt. 1) - Godonomics","og_description":"There are two skills that every child MUST develop and be trained in. 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He graduated from Moody Bible College in Chicago, majoring in pastoral ministry and communication. His love for ministry and creativity can be seen in many forms: leading teams, expository teaching, acting, and video production. He has served as pastor at two high-impact churches in Georgia: Cumberland Community Church and New Community Church. Chad received an M.A. in Ministry from Moody Graduate School in 2008. He loves volleyball, movies, and hanging out with his wife Beth and their three children.","sameAs":["http:\/\/www.godonomics.com\/"],"url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/author\/chadhovind"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1478","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/353"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1478"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1478\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1480,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1478\/revisions\/1480"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1478"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1478"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1478"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}