{"id":1325,"date":"2011-08-26T05:30:37","date_gmt":"2011-08-26T09:30:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/godonomics\/?p=1325"},"modified":"2011-09-27T09:19:06","modified_gmt":"2011-09-27T13:19:06","slug":"gps-gods-parenting-system-why-we-must-explain-the-why-behind-the-what-of-our-parenting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/2011\/08\/gps-gods-parenting-system-why-we-must-explain-the-why-behind-the-what-of-our-parenting.html","title":{"rendered":"GPS: God’s Parenting System: Why We Must Explain the “Why” behind the “What” of our Parenting?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/div>\n
If a child is to have his heart trained, he needs to know “why” a principle or virtue is true. \u00a0A child needs to know why saving, working, and generous giving is critical. A child needs to learn to cherish the truth and the author of that truth. \u00a0 We need to give our children moral maps and explain the reasons behind them.<\/div>\n
\u00a0Explain the Map to Everyone<\/strong>It\u2019s not enough to teach our children how to act morally, we must teach them to think morally. To value morality. To love the map. \u00a0\u00a0How will we do that? \u00a0Kids often don\u2019t internalize values because the instruction lacks moral reason. Moms and dads tell kids what to do, but not why they should do it. Why it\u2019s true? Why it\u2019s wise. \u00a0\u00a0Church, School, and Grandma teach them what to do, but a parent wanting DESTINATION IMPARTATION, explains the WHY. \u00a0They why-for teaching instills the moral principle into the child. \u00a0The first three years, the answer, \u201cCause mom and dad said so…\u201d is fine, but from three years old on, we must start training our kids on why the map is true. Why they can trust us, trust God, and trust the map.Ryan\u2019s dad saw him riding his bike on the church patio after church. He pulled his son (a third grader) aside and told him not to ride his bike on the patio after church. His son could have obeyed and the parenting moment was a success. But his dad went further. He explained that riding on the patio was inappropriate for many reasons, babies in strollers coming out the door, senior citizens coming through the walkway, \u00a0folks chatting with hot coffee, etc. \u00a0Next time, Ryan can think about the moral principle behind the action.<\/p>\n

I talked to a mom recently who was talking to her kids (in their late teens) about why to wait to have sex. She had just finished reading a book on brain chemistry. She explained that when you have sex, Dophamine is released into the brain. It is the reward signal. \u00a0It creates the need\/desire to repeat the behavior. she told them that sexual intimacy is one of the greatest generators of dopamine causing the person to get hooked. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0All of a sudden you feel more in love with a person who has obvious character faults because you\u2019ve brainwashed your brain in dophamine. She noted that girls get hooked and often end up becoming either clingy to a boy, or \u201ccutting\u201d when a boy breaks up with them because they bonded to them. \u00a0She noted that waiting for intimacy is so important as the Bible says, \u201cDo not awaken love until it\u2019s time\u201d because once you awaken the physical aspect of a relationship, it bonds you to that person and makes it harder to bond to the next person, or the person you will one day marry.<\/p>\n

Another father I know told his daughter they could not date until they were at least 16. But he went on to explain the why. He told them that the research shows that girls who \u201cawaken\u201d romantic love earlier than 16 end up in a sexual relationship much much earlier because of the same reasons as above. It only takes 20 seconds of any kind of touch to release Oxytocin into the female blood stream. \u00a0This leads to long term bonding. \u00a0A 20 sec hug or kiss with a guy physically reprograms your brain to think this person is someone worthy of long term bonding. This is why we all know girls who stay with guys who are jerks. Tell you daughters, explain to them, why God says not to bond too early. Why to save physical intimacy for marriage. You end up not thinking straight. \u00a0\ud83d\ude42 \u00a0And all our teen daughters can see this truth in their friends.<\/p>\n

When we teach our children WHY, they have a map they can trust for NOW and later. \u00a0\u00a0A good GPS needs two things: One, A Good map. \u00a0Two, Signal Strength.<\/p>\n

Signal Strength: TRUST<\/p>\n

A GPS with the right maps is not helpful if you lose signal. I have been driving around with my iphone and lost the signal, and I couldn\u2019t get access to the map I needed. \u00a0The signal strength needed in everyone and in parent\/child relationships at every stage is TRUST! \u00a0Trust is the Signal Strength that makes GPS work.<\/p>\n

that you may fear<\/span> the Lord your God, to keep<\/span> all His statutes and His commandments which I command you, you and your son and your grandson, all the days of your life, and that your days may be prolonged.<\/span><\/p>\n

Notice that God gives us the order. When we \u201cfear the Lord\u201d… We will then \u201ckeep his commandments.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0The word Fear is not the word \u201cscared\u201d that we think of. The Hebrews used this word, Yaw_Ray, to mean awe, respect, and honor. They were to YAW_RAY\u00a0 YAHWEH. \u00a0They were to so trust, respect, and have awe for their God, they would know that whatever he told or taught them to do would be good. Would be true. Would be for their good. When you trust someone, you obey them. When you disobey, it\u2019s because you didn\u2019t trust.\u00a0 The goal of parenting is to increase signal strength to our trust. We want out kids to trust us. We want to show ourselves trustworthy. When we blow it and make mistakes, we apologize genuinely to reestablish TRUST. \u00a0\u00a0Trust is more important than anything. That\u2019s how we win their hearts.<\/p>\n

I was chatting with a parent who had college age students a few years ago. His kids were in rebellion over many of the parameters and values put in place by his parents. As mom and dad were wrestling on whether to \u201cbring the hammer down\u201d or \u201clet it go\u201d, they husband challenged the wife to do neither. Not ignore it, nor crush him. But to go after his heart. To win his heart through this process. \u00a0To show their son their love. To remind them he could trust them. \u00a0To lovingly admonish him. \u00a0But he said, the secret to that season was \u201cWinning his heart\u201d<\/p>\n

I talked with a father of lunch who\u2019s heart was broke. His son was in flat-out rebellion. He pleaded, talked, begged his son to change his heart, to trust mom and dad. \u00a0His son was going off the deep end. \u00a0After months\/years of outward rebellion, lying, destructive behaviors impacting the entire family, the father sadly had to take his son out of the environment. He and his wife agreed to hire someone to come and \u201cget their son\u201d and take him out of the state for a month. He told me that he woke his son up in the middle of the night. \u00a0These men are here to take you to a place to get you help with you anger. His son yelled and screamed and protested. The husband and wife told their son, \u201cWe love you. This is killing us, but, we love you too much not to intervene.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0These parents knew that IMPARTING truth to their son was more important than his convenience, their reputation, or his self-image. They had to change his destination. \u00a0Fast forward, This father told me that he and his son have a much stronger relationship years later. He and his son have talked deeply about issues that led to that day. Talked about morals, values, and trust in one another.<\/p>\n

Sometimes the why\u2019s are practical. When my kids were young, I told them that if I tell \u201cSTOP\u201d you stop with no questions asked. There may be a car, a danger, etc., later I will tell you why. You need to trust me. That practice saved my kids from running in front of a car several times. \u00a0Other times they are less dire circumstances. \u00a0Sierra reminded me that two years ago I took the kids rafting down the Miami River, I turned a \u201cforcibly whispered\u201d BE QUIET! \u00a0In retelling the story, Sierra noted that it was the first time in a long time both she and Javan listened the first time, right away. I was able to reach out of the raft and grab this little \u201c1\/2 dollar\u201d sized turtle swimming next to us. Sierra retold the story of her love and fun with the turtle, but she had internalized, \u201cSometimes you trust dad, do what he says, and find out later why…\u201d<\/p>\n

So, if we as parents want to shape our kids. We need to have the same destination: Impartation. And we need to focus on BOTH MORAL MAPS and SIGNAL STRENGTH. \u00a0\u00a0And, if we are not parents, or out of the parenting phase, awaiting grandparenting, we need to use these principles in helping the community and shaping the lives of young lives. BUT these principles are the same ones God is using for you. God is about Destination Impartation. He wants to impart his law to your heart through grace. he wants you to know why he gives his commandments. He wants you to internalize and love his law. he wants you -above all- to trust him.<\/p>\n

RECALCULATING<\/p>\n

When you are a kid, it\u2019s funny to watch adults fight about trivial matters. Whether it was grandma and mom fighting over \u201cwho pays the bill,\u201d or a road trip I once took to Texas with my grandma and grandpa. I remember them fighting over directions. I had never seen them fight. \u00a0Grandma was navigating. Grandpa was irritated. I was 7 and thought it was all hilarious. \u00a0\u00a0Then I grew up. I realized how irritating a back seat, side seat, driver can be. Many a time I have been irritated at my wife during a road trip…but the GPS, offers something that can save any and every marriage. \u00a0A beautiful word: RECALCULATING! When you turn the wrong way, or miss an exit, or choose a different path, the GPS offers a new way to recalculate.<\/p>\n

God offers the same thing. \u00a0Whether your kids are 2, 10, or 20… Whether you\u2019ve done a good job or bad job so far… God offers a way to recalculate. To impart his love, grace, and law into your heart so you can instill it into those around you. And here\u2019s the beauty. \u00a0When Grace combines with God\u2019s law, you are more free, not less. You are more alive than ever.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

To all of these, to all of us, God says, no matter what road you\u2019ve been on, we can recalculate. I will help you be free. You can be free by increasing your signal strength of TRUST. By trusting my road map, and allowing me to take you to DESTINATION IMPARTATION. As my grace is imparted into your hearts. \u00a0Make Maps. \u00a0Increase Signal Strength.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=_wtuBaug1Tk<\/a><\/p>\n

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He graduated from Moody Bible College in Chicago, majoring in pastoral ministry and communication. His love for ministry and creativity can be seen in many forms: leading teams, expository teaching, acting, and video production. He has served as pastor at two high-impact churches in Georgia: Cumberland Community Church and New Community Church. Chad received an M.A. in Ministry from Moody Graduate School in 2008. He loves volleyball, movies, and hanging out with his wife Beth and their three children.","sameAs":["http:\/\/www.godonomics.com\/"],"url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/author\/chadhovind"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1325","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/353"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1325"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1325\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1327,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1325\/revisions\/1327"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1325"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1325"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/godonomics\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1325"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}