{"id":75,"date":"2011-07-26T13:20:07","date_gmt":"2011-07-26T17:20:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/gamingforgod\/?p=75"},"modified":"2011-07-26T15:57:18","modified_gmt":"2011-07-26T19:57:18","slug":"5-ways-samus-aran-is-like-the-proverbs-31-wife","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/gamingforgod\/2011\/07\/5-ways-samus-aran-is-like-the-proverbs-31-wife.html","title":{"rendered":"5 Ways Samus Aran is Like the Proverbs 31 Wife"},"content":{"rendered":"


\n\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

If you’re in your late twenties like me then you might remember watching your older brother beat Metroid (it was way too hard for you).\u00a0 You might also remember the shock of finding out that your awesome action hero had in fact – been a girl.\u00a0 It was shocking, and a little bit disgusting.\u00a0 You might also remember not thinking the game was as awesome anymore, while your older brother tried to figure out how to make the space heroine scour the planet surface without the suit on.\u00a0 Oh, 8-bit love.<\/p>\n

Little did we know that the space suit wearing sci-fi heroine would go on to become one of gaming’s greatest icons.\u00a0 The main reason was her rad suit and arsenal of gadgets\/weapons.\u00a0 But the other reasons are shockingly Biblical.\u00a0 That’s right, you heard me.\u00a0 King Solomon in Proverbs 31 talks about the perfect wife, and as you’ll come to find out, Solomon must have boarded a time machine and played Metroid on the NES.<\/p>\n

Let’s see why:<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

1. “She sees that her trading is profitable.”<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Samus does a lot of trading.\u00a0 She trades bullets for life pellets, and she trades missiles for… more missiles.\u00a0 Of course she normally kills something in the process, but hey, that’s life!<\/p>\n

2. “Her lamp does not go out at night.”<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

She doesn’t even need a lamp, because she’s got that sweet flashlight on her gun to reveal secret stuff.\u00a0 Amazing.\u00a0 This is one area where Samus own the Proverbs 31 wife hands down.<\/p>\n

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3. “She Does not eat the bread of idleness.”<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

So far as I can tell, Samus never eats anything, so she definitely wouldn’t eat this “bread of idleness.”\u00a0 You know what she would eat?\u00a0 Metroids.<\/p>\n

4. “She is clothed in fine linen and purple”<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

I am bit of a Biblical scholar, and I can tell you that the ancient Hebrew for “fine linen” translates easily into “Varia Suit.”\u00a0 You can bet your ten sheckles that Jesus wore one – it was super hot in Nazareth.\u00a0 And well purple, that one is just too obvious.<\/p>\n

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5. “Her arms are strong for her tasks”<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

No one can doubt this one.\u00a0 How many people have you seen use a grappling hook to fly across the surface of a plenet?\u00a0 And man, it must be heavy carrying 999 missiles by the end of the game, I mean mission.\u00a0 Trading and wearing linen gets mega heavy.<\/p>\n

I could keep going, but I am pretty sure you can see by now that this is air tight.\u00a0 It is quite clear that “Many women do noble things, but Samus surpasses them all.\u201d\u00a0 Too bad she is already in a committed relationship.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If you’re in your late twenties like me then you might remember watching your older brother beat Metroid (it was way too hard for you).\u00a0 You might also remember the shock of finding out that your awesome action hero had in fact – been a girl.\u00a0 It was shocking, and a little bit disgusting.\u00a0 You…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":95,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,3],"tags":[35,33,34,37,36,12,7],"class_list":["post-75","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-religion","category-video-games","tag-biblical-games","tag-metroid-humor","tag-proverbs-31-wife","tag-samus-aran","tag-samus-aran-metroid","tag-video-game-humor","tag-video-games-god"],"yoast_head":"\n5 Ways Samus Aran is Like the Proverbs 31 Wife - Gaming For God<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/gamingforgod\/2011\/07\/5-ways-samus-aran-is-like-the-proverbs-31-wife.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"5 Ways Samus Aran is Like the Proverbs 31 Wife - Gaming For God\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"If you’re in your late twenties like me then you might remember watching your older brother beat Metroid (it was way too hard for you).\u00a0 You might also remember the shock of finding out that your awesome action hero had in fact – been a girl.\u00a0 It was shocking, and a little bit disgusting.\u00a0 You…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/gamingforgod\/2011\/07\/5-ways-samus-aran-is-like-the-proverbs-31-wife.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Gaming For God\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2011-07-26T17:20:07+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2011-07-26T19:57:18+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/gamingforgod\/files\/2011\/07\/metrosu-6.gif\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"S. 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