{"id":27,"date":"2010-07-16T12:02:58","date_gmt":"2010-07-16T12:02:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/flunkingsainthood\/2010\/07\/king-davids-impressive-resume-five-major-accomplishments-as-king-2-samuel-4-11.html"},"modified":"2010-07-16T12:02:58","modified_gmt":"2010-07-16T12:02:58","slug":"king-davids-impressive-resume-five-major-accomplishments-as-king-2-samuel-4-11","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/flunkingsainthood\/2010\/07\/king-davids-impressive-resume-five-major-accomplishments-as-king-2-samuel-4-11.html","title":{"rendered":"King David&#8217;s Impressive Resum\u00e9: Five Major Accomplishments as King (2 Samuel 4-10)"},"content":{"rendered":"<\/p>\n<p><span class=\"mt-enclosure mt-enclosure-image\"><img decoding=\"async\" alt=\"4330555084_30c340da1e.jpg\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-media.beliefnet.com\/sites\/83\/import\/4330555084_30c340da1e.jpg\" class=\"mt-image-left\" style=\"float: left;margin: 0pt 20px 20px 0pt\" height=\"349\" width=\"233\" \/><\/span><\/p>\n<p>You probably know that next week I&#8217;m going to rag on David for little things like adultery, murder, bad parenting and the like. I don&#8217;t want to be a Debbie Downer all the time, though, so I thought I&#8217;d devote this week&#8217;s <a href=\"http:\/\/twitter.com\/janariess\">Twible<\/a> to some of the highlights of David&#8217;s resum\u00e9 as king. David wrote this in the first person and asked me to pass it on to you, as he&#8217;s seeking a new executive position. (Salary negotiable, but housing allowance must include provisions for a large and growing family.) <\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\n<b>&#8220;Conquered the city of Jerusalem <\/b>(2 Samuel 5). Under my rule, we threw out the Philistines from Jerusalem and ushered in the city&#8217;s golden age as God&#8217;s very own pied-\u00e0-terre. Earned praise for this in trade journals of Samuel and Chronicles. <\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><b>Brought the ark to Jerusalem <\/b>(2 Samuel 6). Following instructions from HQ, I consolidated worship in Jerusalem and destroyed the &#8220;the high places&#8221; out in the burbs. Established HQ in Jerusalem and commenced realignment of corporate structure, with regrettable layoffs and headchopoffs.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><b>Set up dynasty through a covenant.<\/b> Improved corporate stability via well-executed strategic partnership with the Godcorp. Received protection and favorable trading status in exchange for unquestioning loyalty and regular animal sacrifice.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><b>Whipped enemies&#8217; tails.<\/b> Successfully eliminated the surrounding competition, including Amalekites, Philistines, Moabites, Syrians, and Ammonites. These acquisitions contributed to double-digit annual profits and increased market share. I shaved costs still further by using slave labor from former enemies.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><b>United the north and south into a single kingdom.<\/b> Highly successful merger made brand name &#8220;Israel&#8221; include both north and south for the first time.&#8221; <\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><\/p>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<p>Sat 7\/10<br \/>\n#Twible 2 Sam 4: Dav&#8217;s overzealous chiefs kill Saul&#8217;s son Ishbosheth &amp; bring Dav his head. Doesn&#8217;t end well for chiefs. New job opening? <\/p>\n<p>Sun 7\/11<br \/>\n#Twible 2 Sam 5: Coronation! Israel united, N&amp;S together! Dav king! Take lots of pix now, b\/c these happy days won&#8217;t last. Smile 4 camera.<\/p>\n<p>Mon 7\/12<br \/>\n#Twible 2 Sam 6: Dav&#8217;s contestant on &#8220;So You Think You Can Dance Before the Ark of the Lord?&#8221; Wife\/judge Mia Michal puts Dav in bottom 3.<\/p>\n<p>Tues 7\/13<br \/>\n#Twible 2 Sam 7: G hankers for a cedar home in Jerusalem, ranked as #1 city for deities to retire. Good son Dav promises to visit often.<\/p>\n<p>Wed 7\/14<br \/>\n#Twible 2 Sam 8: Dav crushes Amalekites, Philistines, Syrians &amp; others. Awesome spoils in slaves, gold, brass, &amp; chariots. Hail to the King!<\/p>\n<p>Thurs 7\/15<br \/>\n#Twible 2 Sam 9: Dav seeks out Jon&#8217;s lame son, all grown up now, for Jon&#8217;s sake. Dav still remembers his old BFF. Where&#8217;s m&#8217;hanky, Tiny Tim?<\/p>\n<p>Fri 7\/16<br \/>\n#Twible 2 Sam 10: Ammonites mock Dav&#8217;s envoys by shaving beards &amp; exposing butt cheeks. Outrage! &#8220;Go away or we will taunt you a 2nd time.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Tune in to <a href=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/flunkingsainthood\/\">Flunking Sainthood<\/a> every Friday for new <a href=\"http:\/\/twitter.com\/janariess\">Twible<\/a> installments. Next week, David screws it all up!  <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>You probably know that next week I&#8217;m going to rag on David for little things like adultery, murder, bad parenting and the like. I don&#8217;t want to be a Debbie Downer all the time, though, so I thought I&#8217;d devote this week&#8217;s Twible to some of the highlights of David&#8217;s resum\u00e9 as king. David wrote&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":226,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-27","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-bible","category-twible"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v23.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>King David&#039;s Impressive Resum\u00e9: Five Major Accomplishments as King (2 Samuel 4-10) - Flunking Sainthood<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/flunkingsainthood\/2010\/07\/king-davids-impressive-resume-five-major-accomplishments-as-king-2-samuel-4-11.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"King David&#039;s Impressive Resum\u00e9: Five Major Accomplishments as King (2 Samuel 4-10) - Flunking Sainthood\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"You probably know that next week I&#8217;m going to rag on David for little things like adultery, murder, bad parenting and the like. 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David wrote&hellip;\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/flunkingsainthood\/2010\/07\/king-davids-impressive-resume-five-major-accomplishments-as-king-2-samuel-4-11.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Flunking Sainthood\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2010-07-16T12:02:58+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/flunkingsainthood\/files\/import\/4330555084_30c340da1e.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Jana Riess\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"King David's Impressive Resum\u00e9: Five Major Accomplishments as King (2 Samuel 4-10) - Flunking Sainthood","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/flunkingsainthood\/2010\/07\/king-davids-impressive-resume-five-major-accomplishments-as-king-2-samuel-4-11.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"King David's Impressive Resum\u00e9: Five Major Accomplishments as King (2 Samuel 4-10) - Flunking Sainthood","og_description":"You probably know that next week I&#8217;m going to rag on David for little things like adultery, murder, bad parenting and the like. I don&#8217;t want to be a Debbie Downer all the time, though, so I thought I&#8217;d devote this week&#8217;s Twible to some of the highlights of David&#8217;s resum\u00e9 as king. 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